Easter Wednesday
Ironic how i return to the subject of easter. Easter Sunday is a day, as implied by the sun for celebrating life. However for me, I found a glimmer of hope for life anew on wednesday instead. Since i spent friday through sunday sick as a dog hoping as i lay me down to sleep, that the Lord my soul would keep.
I still remember that one night at phuture when they played rock. Little did i know the only two songs i'd remember came with themes i'd become aquainted with intimately. Namely Mr Brightside, and Changes by Sabbath. All in all it was a fantastic night.
Those songs i enjoyed dancing to, would have me dancing to them till i was sick. Sick in the stomach, sick in the head, sick in the heart, generally, sick.
John said change is unavoidable. In a sense its like saying "I didn't make this world, I only try to live in it." But change after all is unavoidable, and cruel. So i've changed since 2005, a year with too much pain and suffering to forget entirely. And when i thought i was done, content with indifference towards the world, which i figured out less than a week ago.
The rational for indifference is such. I fiugred i crossed lines within myself. And done some things i still cannot forgive myself for. And i turned my back on anything beautiful. And i have developed an acute fear of happiness, and anything that makes me smile, like that perfect day with Sammy. Since i wanted to not bother about myself, because of the way it was affecting people around me, since i felt i was so far gone from my ideal to be happy forever, i might as well give up on everything and strive towards indifference.
It all made a certian amount of sense.If i was indifferent nothing would bother me and i wont have to feel sad. I wont bother people. I wont let the way i feel about something cause me to make mistakes in my judgement (which is something i can not tolerate within myself). Only the price for indifference is letting go of happiness. Weighed against all my internal conflicts, and against my external conflicts, it was the better option.
The exchanges of the previous day helped steel my heart for the operation. Then very rudely you walked into the theatre, grabbed my heart who was being so brave and shoved it back into my chest. I dont even write the same anymore. I'll republish the entire blog so you can compare.
The only thing about you that infuriates me, is the way you make me come alive. Its the way you make me smile, not with the teeth, but with other organs that pump bodily fluids, the way it really matters.
It unnerves me the way you make everything alright. You understand so well. You say all the right things. I say all the right things. We all scream for ice cream. And when i talk to you everything becomes clear, and that vision of a perfect future doesn't seem so impossible. And i've got the heart to go on another day.
This is the slowest i've ever written, its so hard to get the words to flow, because i'm struggling so hard to not care, and i want to care so badly all over again. I dont write for anyone to say pity me, or for people to understand me. Whevever i write theres a mood and a theme and i love the sound of the keyboard going tap tap tap. And i write my heart out and how i feel at the moment. And its only in moments that i write. And its only moments that i live for. And when i read what i write its like looking at my moments through the eyes of someone else, and i can let it go.
I still remember that one night at phuture when they played rock. Little did i know the only two songs i'd remember came with themes i'd become aquainted with intimately. Namely Mr Brightside, and Changes by Sabbath. All in all it was a fantastic night.
Those songs i enjoyed dancing to, would have me dancing to them till i was sick. Sick in the stomach, sick in the head, sick in the heart, generally, sick.
John said change is unavoidable. In a sense its like saying "I didn't make this world, I only try to live in it." But change after all is unavoidable, and cruel. So i've changed since 2005, a year with too much pain and suffering to forget entirely. And when i thought i was done, content with indifference towards the world, which i figured out less than a week ago.
The rational for indifference is such. I fiugred i crossed lines within myself. And done some things i still cannot forgive myself for. And i turned my back on anything beautiful. And i have developed an acute fear of happiness, and anything that makes me smile, like that perfect day with Sammy. Since i wanted to not bother about myself, because of the way it was affecting people around me, since i felt i was so far gone from my ideal to be happy forever, i might as well give up on everything and strive towards indifference.
It all made a certian amount of sense.If i was indifferent nothing would bother me and i wont have to feel sad. I wont bother people. I wont let the way i feel about something cause me to make mistakes in my judgement (which is something i can not tolerate within myself). Only the price for indifference is letting go of happiness. Weighed against all my internal conflicts, and against my external conflicts, it was the better option.
The exchanges of the previous day helped steel my heart for the operation. Then very rudely you walked into the theatre, grabbed my heart who was being so brave and shoved it back into my chest. I dont even write the same anymore. I'll republish the entire blog so you can compare.
The only thing about you that infuriates me, is the way you make me come alive. Its the way you make me smile, not with the teeth, but with other organs that pump bodily fluids, the way it really matters.
It unnerves me the way you make everything alright. You understand so well. You say all the right things. I say all the right things. We all scream for ice cream. And when i talk to you everything becomes clear, and that vision of a perfect future doesn't seem so impossible. And i've got the heart to go on another day.
This is the slowest i've ever written, its so hard to get the words to flow, because i'm struggling so hard to not care, and i want to care so badly all over again. I dont write for anyone to say pity me, or for people to understand me. Whevever i write theres a mood and a theme and i love the sound of the keyboard going tap tap tap. And i write my heart out and how i feel at the moment. And its only in moments that i write. And its only moments that i live for. And when i read what i write its like looking at my moments through the eyes of someone else, and i can let it go.
posted by Seython at 2:48 am
1 Comments:
aiyah i changed the title of my blog and i lost where each part began and ended.
I've lost count of how many changes i went through how many times i said this is the last time and NO MORE. Sigh.
Please take heart to those i've wronged, even if you forgive me i doubt i can forgive myself. Don't weigh yourself with the burden of a grudge. I always pay my debts.
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