Mothers Mercy
I awoke from a dream. I thought i'd finally been able to get some sleep but my mind plays tricks on me. 3 hours again. Its been awhile since i've dreamt and this is the first time i talk about it. As usual its haunting. Asusual there is no obvious to be haunting, atleast in the exterme of leaving a bitter taste on my tongue when i awake. Or could it be the cigerettes and sleep.
It was a sunday, as easter ought to be, but i dont think it was easter. I was to meet my family at a lavish hotel for dinner, for a 5 star dinner. Buffet-like, with marvellous foods spread all around. Only i think my mother cooked it all. Somehow, but this is normal. It is in the language of dreams.
Before dinner, I met John and Pei, And Bear and we were talking about nothing in paticular.I think we were all hungry. So i ran along to find the food, getting something for myself to eat. John was his usual silent self. Pei talked to my mother. Bear got his own food, and quietly sat down in a corner and watched, expressionless, as if he knew what was about to happen.
We talked a little, Pei was warm to others cold to me, John was overall indiferent. I dont know how but i was people other than myself in this dream. I could see thought their hearts. The fish was good, which is unusual because i usually hate fish. and we ate little. Though it was a buffet, there was little to eat.
My cousins husband called me over, he was working for starhub, which he doesn't, Mel works for starhub, and has been pulling the hard sell on me for days. He said, remember the starhub fair i told you about, well you were right, it didnt happen. I had no idea what fair he was telling me about, but somehow i played along, I said yeah, they're just like the government they like to waste your time by making you wait for things that aren't going to happen.
I had no idea why that was funny or what it meant, because i find the truth to be in the opposite direction. There were some members from my church, and they seemed amused by it.
And i flit between tables. After that strange exchange, i felt a stabbing pain in my heart. Not a physcal one mind you, i'm pretty tolerant of physical discomfort. I looked for John all over and realised he was gone. Left without a goodbye, as if leaving was inconsequential.
I searched frantically because no goodbyes meant i would have to be indifferent towards what was happening and i wouldn't care if some part of me died. The part of me that cares abiut John that is, its hard to explain.
Then i saw Bear behind glass walls, having desert with my cousins. "Hey cousin" they called, "Where have you been?"
My mother found me trying to get behind the glass wall. Took me in, as suggested we have cake. As if she understood. Well maybe she did, if i were her maybe she was me too. And there was a glorious selection of gourmet chocolate cakes, the kind with an 18K gold flake on top.
I dont usually like chocolate, i dont know why it looked so good this time. And i awoke with an acute sense of loss. Dont think i can go back to sleep so here am i writing.
I hate the dreams. I wish i had sleeping pills again so i could fall into false sleep, rest without hope, or a restless hope. Sometimes i think dreams are just all the parts in you that you repress come back to not let you ignore it. Well whatever it is the dreams are back now, and i still have no idea what to do. Not sleping is not an option i'd hazzard.
I dont understand how a scene so qaint can leave me so empty. The scene and the feeling barely has to match up. I think i prefer sleeping on a full stomach because atleast i'm full some way. Damm shouldn't have been lazy and gone to grab some food.
I wrote this down because i want to know if tomorrows dream will continue from this. I have such a lousy sense of reality, and when i dream the lines fade even more. From feeling to people i know, I dont have any idea whats real or not anymore. I dont know if i know the people i think i do, or if i feel a certain way about a person i think i do.
Atleast i can see the uncertainty and lack of clarity now. Its so much worse when it all makes sense but it doesn't. My heart has gotten used to this now, the extreme lows. I need to fix my head. When i'm whole it all goes away. So all i have to do is love myself. If only i haven't given myself every reason not to. No shortcuts, fight or die.
I dont think however that i can go back to waiting for live to deliver its coup de grâce. As sure as i hope to be whole again, i'm afraid it will never come.
It was a sunday, as easter ought to be, but i dont think it was easter. I was to meet my family at a lavish hotel for dinner, for a 5 star dinner. Buffet-like, with marvellous foods spread all around. Only i think my mother cooked it all. Somehow, but this is normal. It is in the language of dreams.
Before dinner, I met John and Pei, And Bear and we were talking about nothing in paticular.I think we were all hungry. So i ran along to find the food, getting something for myself to eat. John was his usual silent self. Pei talked to my mother. Bear got his own food, and quietly sat down in a corner and watched, expressionless, as if he knew what was about to happen.
We talked a little, Pei was warm to others cold to me, John was overall indiferent. I dont know how but i was people other than myself in this dream. I could see thought their hearts. The fish was good, which is unusual because i usually hate fish. and we ate little. Though it was a buffet, there was little to eat.
My cousins husband called me over, he was working for starhub, which he doesn't, Mel works for starhub, and has been pulling the hard sell on me for days. He said, remember the starhub fair i told you about, well you were right, it didnt happen. I had no idea what fair he was telling me about, but somehow i played along, I said yeah, they're just like the government they like to waste your time by making you wait for things that aren't going to happen.
I had no idea why that was funny or what it meant, because i find the truth to be in the opposite direction. There were some members from my church, and they seemed amused by it.
And i flit between tables. After that strange exchange, i felt a stabbing pain in my heart. Not a physcal one mind you, i'm pretty tolerant of physical discomfort. I looked for John all over and realised he was gone. Left without a goodbye, as if leaving was inconsequential.
I searched frantically because no goodbyes meant i would have to be indifferent towards what was happening and i wouldn't care if some part of me died. The part of me that cares abiut John that is, its hard to explain.
Then i saw Bear behind glass walls, having desert with my cousins. "Hey cousin" they called, "Where have you been?"
My mother found me trying to get behind the glass wall. Took me in, as suggested we have cake. As if she understood. Well maybe she did, if i were her maybe she was me too. And there was a glorious selection of gourmet chocolate cakes, the kind with an 18K gold flake on top.
I dont usually like chocolate, i dont know why it looked so good this time. And i awoke with an acute sense of loss. Dont think i can go back to sleep so here am i writing.
I hate the dreams. I wish i had sleeping pills again so i could fall into false sleep, rest without hope, or a restless hope. Sometimes i think dreams are just all the parts in you that you repress come back to not let you ignore it. Well whatever it is the dreams are back now, and i still have no idea what to do. Not sleping is not an option i'd hazzard.
I dont understand how a scene so qaint can leave me so empty. The scene and the feeling barely has to match up. I think i prefer sleeping on a full stomach because atleast i'm full some way. Damm shouldn't have been lazy and gone to grab some food.
I wrote this down because i want to know if tomorrows dream will continue from this. I have such a lousy sense of reality, and when i dream the lines fade even more. From feeling to people i know, I dont have any idea whats real or not anymore. I dont know if i know the people i think i do, or if i feel a certain way about a person i think i do.
Atleast i can see the uncertainty and lack of clarity now. Its so much worse when it all makes sense but it doesn't. My heart has gotten used to this now, the extreme lows. I need to fix my head. When i'm whole it all goes away. So all i have to do is love myself. If only i haven't given myself every reason not to. No shortcuts, fight or die.
I dont think however that i can go back to waiting for live to deliver its coup de grâce. As sure as i hope to be whole again, i'm afraid it will never come.
posted by Seython at 3:10 am
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