Puppy

Nothing quite tears my heart apart like the first 73 pages of American Gods. And now my heart is torn and rended to its very being.

How Laura calls him Puppy, and now its all so irrelevant. How three years of waiting to be with her ends so tragic: her death. How he still loves her after he's been betrayed, How she still loves him even though she is dead. How all he wanted was to love her one last time, and he never even got the chance. Shadow is a character i love, so cold, so unemotional.

Reminds me of the every time i've been told, no matter how much it hurts, how much its not fair, how much yo think you cant go on any longer, you do. Because the world still uncaring and unmoved goes on. It doesn't really matter, anyone can see.

I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.
-American Gods

I feel empty in the pit of my stomache. I want to throw up, i want so much more to sleep, or keep smoking and never have to stop. God will you take me back when i'm done with my self inflicted purgatory? I want to be cold as ice, sharp as steel. I want to see with my heart, and stop looking back. And i'm looking back at so many things now.

The memories flash like they say in the movies before you die. And i ask myself again, am I dying? Some part of me hopes i am, another part says there will be something better. But I'm so sick of hoping for something better. I want to laugh and smile because i dont care if theres something better out there. Because what i have, here and now is good enough, i want to be. Just happy, not for any reason, other than not wanting a better tomorrow than today.

And he calls into the empty night. He says i'm still your puppy in the still of his heart. Despite everything that going on, thats the only thing that matters. Really matters. I would have fought tooth and nail, clawed, begged and pleaded, if only you had cared enough to fight for me, i would have wanted nothing more than to die in your arms, even if it means nothing to anyone.

Everybodys dying or going mad, my back is starting to ache, i either have bad posture or as the doctor says, blocked nerves. Maybe i'm dying and i just dont know it, that thought brings a genuine smile to my bitter lips.

I'm not done writing because i still feel empty. That inconsolable ache still lingers at the core of my heart, and the words that i cant ever bear to utter are still stuck at the back of my throat. Is it wicked to pretend that you dont care when you actually do? I sometimes hope you rot in hell, then i can spend eternity with you, i think my soul is already dead.

Since i cant go on anymore, i'll leave you with quotes.

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
-Swedish Proverb

“Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.”
-Dr. Joyce Brothers quotes

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”

“God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players, (ie everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”
-Good Omens

Why cant i stop loving you sweetheart? Even if you went away, the longing empty ache still remains, like that stale taste in my mouth after a night of hard drinking. No matter how much i think i've forgotten i still remember when you remind me. And i think on that day when i've truly forgotten, i'll be sadder than all the hurt i've put myself through since december.