Friday, May 04, 2007

For everything that has happened

Maybe it wasn't the mood. Maybe it was the music. Maybe it was the time. Whatever it was, here am i again. Every time i come back to this square its different. Same square, different me. It probably doesn't matter how many steps forward or backwards that i take. It matters that I'm moving. That I dare to move, that I dare to try out something new. That I'm hot keeping myself holed up.

Yes, it makes a difference, those of you who were there, who watched, and shook your heads, who poured me glass after glass, who stood by even when i didn't. You make a difference. I don't expect anything, not anymore, not after what you've been through with me. I'm grateful to you, and i can wish you happiness even when your happiness is not in my best interests. I have learned enough to let you go, to do the things that need to be done. And you know you will always find me here, waiting, should you need a place to rest your hardening heart.

We weren't always these people, yet somehow i should forget. Forget the happiness that I've ever had. Everyday is a new day, and as time brings us farther down, we find our happiness and sadness in fewer and fewer places. We learn to live with less, and learn to choose more shrewdly. We are only young once, only a minor once, only allowed to break most laws once. And get away with a slap on the wrist, a stern warning, or a life threatening beating. I'm glad i was able to make these life defining mistakes with you.

Of all of us, I feel like i'm the biggest under achiever of them all. My vested interests in so many things faded into nothing as i gave up all my hopes and dreams one night in a pub not too long ago. My father would call me weak, he would say i'm not enough of a fighter. I wouldn't say he was wrong, because i know one time in my life when I should have stayed and fought, but I couldn't find it in myself to. We life to fight another day, and i've resolved to not making that mistake again.

This is starting to sound like a suicide note, however its all a lump of silent introspection. I've been looking at myself for the longest time, trying to find something i'm good at. I don't find myself to be particularly extraordinary. I guess uniqueness and a sense of excellence is not something so easily quantifiable. I see all of you, with some tinge of jealousy bound for the great things you were all meant for, be it pursuits of wealth, intellect, or social standing.

I miss you all, because you fill up my life. And I dare to say this to you, because I know and trust the person you are, and I know neither of us of afraid of the truth. This is what i believe differentiates and defines us. And this is what empowers a sense of value in ourselves. And this is why we are willing to give the most impossible most daunting things a chance.

I'm proud of you, and i hope one day i can make you proud of me.

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