People don't cry enough

So close, yet so far away. So old, yet not grown. So tired, yet not asleep. So broken, yet undeniable alive.

Its the contradiction of existence. The bits and pieces in the fabric of us that strive for dominion. The bits and pieces of us that make up the lies of our truth. The wool over our eyes, the shadows in the sunlight, the possibility in stark contrast to the reality. We all want to escape.

Yet again, the numbers trail on, spiraling into the universe, infinity. What a brilliant concept. To imagine the unimaginable, such is the genius of man.

I have grown older. I know this not by the boy who calls me Uncle at the lift. Age is just a number, my daddy told me long ago. Slowly i begin to realise. Our oldness or youngness is not measured in the beats of our almost reliable heart, but in the beats that it skips.

As I lie in bed most nights, I put my hand to my chest, to feel my heart beat. To be sure that I'm still alive, and life's obligations still have a hold on me. When I whispered that I loved you, my heart skipped a beat. That instant time stopped forever. Life changed forever, and I will never know what was down that other road.

Human beings are creatures of time. We live within, and around time. It defines our existence. Who we are, (a 22 year old; too old or too young) and how we live, (between the hours of 7 a.m. and 12 p.m.; too long or too short). We speed time up, and years past in the instant of a memory, and we slow time down, embracing the surge of emotion in the moment that washes over us.

People measure time is measured by the light of the sun, the waxing and waning of the moon. However, we live in heartbeats, in moments, in the spaces between the seconds. We feel alive when our hearts race, and we die when our hearts crash into an unsteady gait.

Sometimes I never want to feel happy again, because the disappointment and impending doom is far too much to bear. I never asked for very much. Only to be treated the way you enjoy being treated. And then I die. Alone, unloved, unwanted, too broken to sit upright, too proud to stop killing myself trying. I only want what is best, even if a part of me has to die in the process.

Flowers

to make up for that crappy attempt to write, here's lyrics.

i want to buy you flowers
it's such a shame you're a boy
but when you are not a girl
nobody buys you flowers

i want to buy you flowers
and now i'm standing in the shop
i must confess i wonder
if you will like my flowers

you are so sweet and i'm so alone
oh darling please
tell me you're the one
i'll buy you flowers
i'll buy you flowers
like not other girl did before

you were so sweet and i was in love
oh darling don't tell me
you found another girl
forget the flowers
because the flowers
never last for ever
never last for ever
never last for ever
my love

Believe... in something

Close, though hardly touching.
Quiet, yet somehow deafening.

Somehow things turn this way. Different from what we have been conditioned to believe. We look for the truth through tainted eyes, that expect what to see before it sees it.

Loved, over and above all alone.
Born, still not truly living.

Over life and death lies the mystery. Beyond the wall, across the vast spaces between what is and what should be. Across vast meadows, vast oceans, vast skies, vast space, the vastness of the mind, infinite in possibilities and as endless as peering into the eyes of your true love.

Because time stops, and nothing exists anymore, because it doesn't have a need to.

White Powder

I wish you'd stop lying to me.

I may not make a big deal out of it. I may not look like I care, but I'm sick of it. Sick and tired of breathing in your lies. Of breathing you into my lungs, the scent on your hair, the light in your eyes.

I'm trying to be a decent human being. I'm trying to keep some part of me alive, so maybe one day, i can trust somebody. So I can make a life.

Is it too much to ask . . .

Just tell me, and I'll walk, and tug and pull and tear my heart away from the promise of what i believed to be perfect.

Dealing

I never knew, how to deal. Never ever. Few things make me dwell on them for more than a day. This day finally came like I expected. And I find myself colder, more numb, tired, and unable to give a fitting emotional response. I'm dying, or already dead inside. Maybe this is for the best. I'm so tired.

Grow up.

I found this on someone's facebook.

Remember when getting high meant swinging at the playground. the worst thing you could get from boys was cooties. your worst enemies were your siblings. race issues were who ran the fastest. war was a card game. the only drug you knew of was cough medicine & wearing skirts didn't mean you were a slut. The only thing you smoked was the tires on your bike. the only thing that hurt was skinned knees & the only things that can get broken were your toys. life was simple and care free, but what i remember the most was wanting to grow up.

Yeah, i remember wanting to grow up.

Settle for dust

I don't know what I'd do without cigarettes. I wouldn't know what to do with the time. I wouldn't know how to deal with my breaking heart. I just wouldn't know. I'd probably curl up and wish i was dead.

It's easy to say, its not your fault. Its difficult to mean it. Like facing the past. Acknowledging all that has happened, and carry on. Believe tomorrow will be better. Believe in something again, despite knowing believing is what got you in this mess in the first place.

I believe that we all like to dance, to sing, to love and be loved. We all want to go to heaven, to be better and be in a better place. I believe we are all human beings. Capable of thought, emotion, and values that are higher. Sometimes I don't see it, an understanding for the similarity and difference in mankind. We are expected to act and behave a certain way, that falls under the category of common sense.

How do you live when you have no idea of what is common sense. How do you live when you've come to the conclusion that you have very little in common with everyone else. That you care much more than is necessary, when its common sense to you that as human beings we are all victims of life. That life and its mis-communications, due to the imperfection of language, are the source of most of the problems in the world. Because we think in an imperfect language. How do you live with the notion that people are selfish when you have not allowed yourself to become cynical, jaded, and capable of discarding the idea of a greater good. How do you live with the idea that we are not infinite, that we were not made by a god, that, crudely put, life's a bitch and then you die.

It is common sense that if something bothers you, erase it from your life. Forget it, him, her, move on, fill the spaces, and continue living. What do you do when life is the enemy, people are people, and they are the way they are because life made them so. I say this because children do not know better. How do you blame people when everyone is essentially a misguided child. Misguided because thee are no absolute wrongs and rights in this world. How do you live, when your existence is a paradox. Once again, I am forced to face this crossroad even though I tried to run from it and be happy. Because I believe in you. And I refuse to accept that you are just another face in a past that I have faced, paid my dues, and eventually leave in the settling dust.

My mouth is a gape with horror!

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

Damm you bastard diploma!

Who knew a missing diploma could cause so much heartache. Fuck this i should just go kill myself. Why did i read that letter, why did i smell it, why. It started out with my older writings. It moved on to things people had written to me. And my heart is breaking because those people are so far away. Its a damm conspiracy. Right down to the music my i tunes chooses to play when there are 8000 songs to pick and shuffle from. Shuffle karma, incurred for stopping the shuffled songs to hear something you want to.

The price of being a garbage collector is you have to face your entire past if you want to find something from a moment in time.

God damm it, I have no idea why I'm still alive.

What happens when the heart just stops

And this song is called what happens when the heart just stops this song is about ehm, ehm waking, ehm, waking up, under a bush, in your ex-girlfriend's garden. Uhm, Yeah. This is a song about getting drunk, and forgetting that you don't go out with her anymore. Forgetting that she doesn't love you anymore. So, this is about, needing, being, this is about wanting too much, wanting to be close to someone too much wanting to know where they are all the time, and when they're going out, you're like where're you going or what time will you be back, or, I'll come with you. And its about trying to do the right thing, trying to withdraw, so that you don't love so much, trying to go okay, and in doing so, something inside you just dies, and you turn off, and like all things in life, then she falls in love with you, and you don't care. And its a song of hope...

Its all about that, times and places in your life. Coming up on shuffle on my itunes. I couldn't resist the urge to transcribe it, again (maybe) i forgot. Its ok, I can lie to myself, I can believe something is not true even though i believe it down to the very fiber of my being. I have some hope, I can carry on, even though I don't see the point of it right now. I am strong, I can pretend I don't feel anything even though I am breaking down inside, even when I'm scared, and I'm tired, hurting, crying and don't see the point to anything. I can look you in the eye and tell you that I'm fine.

I know you wont go back, but if you don't go back, I'll never be able to go back as well. The thought of that makes me sad. There is a price to everything, I only wish I knew what your's is.

So what happens when the heart just stops
Stops caring for anyone
The hollow in your chest dries up
And you stop believing

So what happens when the heart gives up
But the body goes on living
The blood crawls to a slow and stops
And flows away

Well we got no-one to meet
No love we would beseech
We only have ourselves to blame for everything
The was no answer in the dust
And I'm missing you so much
And now you're sleeping
And I'm leaving

Empty-handed waiting
Time it will subside and we'll agree
It was a given
Well there was no standard we could set
And the world it does regret
To have to leave you in this state of bereavement

You see I'm feeling everything
Nothing gets by

There is a hollow in my chest
The time I won't forget
There is no comfort in the eyes
They put us always to the test
I can't prepare myself for that
But I work it out in time
There is a love that flows between us
Ever-changing everyday
I worked myself up to a crawl
But I'm not fearing it at all
We have no reason left to stay
And that's why we're leaving
And there was no answer in the dust
And the one I feared to trust
There is a lie that drags us
Beating and pulling into disappointment

I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed

It's so late, till you're gone

While I still can

I've come to realize music is not an outlet. Much rather, its an inlet. You let it in, let it infuse itself into your heart. Soak into your soul. Vibrate with the very molecules that comprise you. Love it, buzzing away humming in synchrony with the universe and you.

Once Loved, twice Shunned.
Three times Broken, Four times Charmed.

Sometime when i write, I don't know what I'm writing. Reading it i realize it makes a lot of sense. Writing like this is a medium between my conscious and sub-conscious. One day it'll all add up. One day I'll understand the sum of my actions, and the value of my reactions. The couplet above made more sense in the shower than when i wrote it. After putting it through some deconstructive thinking. Somethings are happening that i'm not too happy about. At least now I have the confidence to do what must be done.

Most people don't know this, about me. That I live like I dance.

Command And Conquer the Aftermath

Sometimes I wonder why its called the aftermath. Why After the math. The sense in my brain says its after all the mathematics. After all the calculated choices, carefully weighed and chosen. After all of that, things still go horribly wrong.

How do you live right in a world that was doomed from the start. Sometimes I even wonder if i should try, or even bother for that matter. Burnt, and worn out. Tired, and indifferent. Our choices determine our life. The most valuable lesson I've received in the recent week is life happens. It happens whether you're ready, whether you're prepared, and whether you stand a chance. The opportunities that are available to us, are the same as everybody else. We start, at more or less the same point, and we branch into a set of infinite possibilities.

The Probability of those choices working out, depend on our development as a person. Because life is not a sprint, its a never ending marathon. We rise to greatness, we speed down the road, but we keep ourselves aware that if we fall, we will have a lot to do just to keep in the race. Everybody falls. Not everybody gets back up. Some take a long time but eventually do. Some lie there, get kicked, trip others up, and never move again.

Sometimes I wonder what I am. It seems obvious, but its not. After all, time travels. It moves, it changes, faster than the speed of light, because light travels in time. Time opens possibilities, possibilities we cannot even dream of, because dreams and thought move at the speed of light.
We are creatures of time, a concept so abstract we may never fathom its true nature. We are after all just three dimensional creatures living in a reality of infinite dimensions.

The question is, did any butterfly ever release havoc in a continent half the world away. Nobody will ever really know, or truly understand the mechanics of that possibility. Down to the individual particle, atom, molecule of air that flows. The possibility makes it alright and respectable to be a butterfly, and in turn, to grow and develop our psyche.

I don't feel like writing

But I will pray for her
I will call her name out loud
I would bleed for her
I only I could see her now

Its lyrics like this that shine. Ok I'm at the point where I will listen. I know they're not good for me, they're not worth a speck of me. Yet I tried. There is no failure if there are no expectations. There is no love if there is no connections. Just like there is no heart if there is no soul. Thanks for the advice.

I have three organs to think with, maybe four. A brain, a penis, a heart, and the intangible soul. Like everything in my life, I like to keep them separated. Because there's not enough blood in my body, and there would be too much confusion.

Going back to I wants, after talking to Nat, Liz and lastly but most importantly Ms Breakfast of Champions. I've reworked what I want, yet again, but as with every time its closer to the truth. I get more real, I feel more certain. Truth. Sometimes i know, there is no truth I'm willing to accept but the undeniable truth of the smile on your lips.

too late to turn back now, i'm running out of sound
and i am changing, changing
and if we died right now, this fool you love somehow
is here with you
i won't deny the pain
i won't deny the change
and should i fall from grace here with you
would you leave me too?

I know you would, but thats just a part of you I've grown to love. I'd rather die, than live without purpose. I'd rather do nothing, than do without direction. I'd rather put the whole world on hold, than carry on without a purpose. I'd rather have nothing, than have almost everything. Its who I am. I exist for the blackest Black, and the whitest White. There is little room or want or need for something that is not defined. An extremist, a purist, and a romantic. I will either flourish or die, and I'm prepared to die. You will never understand me, if you do not come to terms with the fragility of your existence. You will not understand me, because I want nothing but my lover or the ledge. I will be fine if I die in the gutter, old and alone. After all, my mind has been there for as long as I can remember. Though on occasion, it has been with the stars.

After all, is it not natural? For they are the same thing. What are we, if not stardust.

No prizes.

Your Girl Parts Are Named:

Breakfast of Champions

Girl Parts Name Generator

I was bored too much to say too little time or inspiration. This is Hilarious.

Still an ENTP after all these years

You Are An ENTP

The Visionary You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression. You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything. Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off. You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments. In love, you see everything as a grand adventure. You enjoy taking risks for love. And if things don't work out, you're usually not too much worse for the wear! You would make a great entrepreneur, marketing executive, or actor. At work, you need a lot of freedom to pursue your own path and vision. How you see yourself: Analytical, creative, and peaceful When other people don't get you, they see you as: Detached, wishy-washy, and superficial

What's Your Personality Type?

Who Really Gets Away With One?

Your Birthdate: February 18

For you, love is a feeling that lingers for really long time - even after a relationship is totally over. In fact, you still make have strong feelings for the first person you fell in love with. You usually are reluctant to end relationships. And sometimes you're the last to know that things are ending! Number of True Loves You'll Have: 4 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 1 You are most compatible with people born on the 9th, 18th, and 27th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

The Beast

Been busy, hanging out with old friends. Been tired, and severely hung over. And i am, Colder and Harder. Stronger? I'm not sure. Something wicked this way comes, jingles in each step, clang, like the clock tower hitting high noon with two lone gunmen backs to each other. In the middle of chaos is order, and in the middle of order, is chaos. Such is the way of the universe. A chaotic paradox, within a simple repeated pattern.

Please don't test my patience, making me feel guilty, or bad, appealing to my "humanity", or asking me what I really think. I am short tempered, oversensitive, and not very good company. Stop! You don't get to judge me, only I do. I made this, not you. When the other half of me asked for you to help it stop, nobody replied. I think i know who won. Mr Hyde.

Only a well weathered sense of restraint stops me from telling you what I think of you. And how un-forgiven you are. And how much I would like you to suffer, because I think you need it, because you deserve it. How much your fear disgusts me. I know I'm free, because I can see your chains. I know I'm free because instead of thinking I should help, I cant help but manage a sadistic smile while watching you squirm under the weight of it all.

When I was kinder, i once tried to make someone feel better. He turned and told me not to; because he wouldn't feel sorry for me if I were in his shoes. I never understood why somebody would feel destructive around me, now I do. When you die, remember me. Think about how futile it is when you do, because the last thing my mind would be on is you.

It's not Us and Them anymore, it's I and Nothing else. How to be dead? Hurt until you cannot feel anything anymore, run a rasp across your nerves until you don't have any. Torture yourself, torture your mind, destroy it.

A Quizzicle? Then what's a Test?

SeYthoN took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "His need to feel more causative and to have a wide..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

The price

Somebody; because it always starts with somebody, coined the term - Ladies of Negotiable Affection. I've come to realise this applies through the board. For simply put, all affection is up for negotiation. I see that some affection is affordable and some is not. Some affection has a clear price tag, and some has unseen hidden costs. Everybody wants something, not everybody says clearly what they want. I believe this is due to the simple human nature that people want more. People want everything - eventually.

Some come to realise that we can't have everything. Some learn to settle. Some learn to give more. Some, never learn. These some, expect the world on a silver platter. Eventually, because things always change, these people learn to adapt, to the situation they're in.

To a certain extent, i think its all about the situation we're in and if we learn to adapt to it. If we do, we move on to the next thing, if we don't, we're stuck in purgatory.

Everything is for sale, if you can afford the price. I cant afford much, though its some sort of consolation most people can't afford me.

Boys Don't Cry

The Cure is coming. If Boys don't cry, what do they do? After all, aren't we human. I do that thing that's like smiling. I used to be pretty good at it. Now I'm not. Sometimes when I feel like it, I remember that I promised myself, I would not cry for anyone anymore. Besides, boys don't cry, we're stone cold and hard inside, we don't feel, we don't regret, we never ask why, and most of all, we'd never take you back.

I'll always be a Boy, and we don't cry.