5 stages of grief

I watch someone die as i once did. I i tell them as a friend i will help them do whatever they require. And shortly after i recgonise what a lie it is. He asks, "will you help me die", he tells me "I really believed this time".

I met him before all this. And he seemed alright i guess. Now i'm upset because i find it in me to care. Because i remember all those sleepless nights aeons ago, i remember hoping someone will come along and murder me. I remember the mood swings, i remember the madness, the complete and utter loss of my sense of self, the senseless mutterings, the most earnest and selfish prayer.

The lines from songs that held me together, like on my knees i think clearer, like please listen to me while i tell you the truth, like wait, they dont love you like i love you, like i have 30 days to decide, like are you happy with yourself.

I remember the lines so isolated, he wrote this for me, do bad things, be angry, its not your fault, i love you. I remember going through everyone of the 5 stages of grief, each slowly, painfully, until i understood them perfectly, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, in such exquisite detail.

This is growing up. This is what it means to die. This is what it means to have your entire identity wiped from you, the price for carrying on living. Recgonising how worthless you are, i'm sure the army is somehow similar.