Finding me, no?

After a long time of soul searching i have arrived at the spot i began. which is good i guess in a way. I'm still the same person going to make the same mistakes in life.

I am what i am, and no matter how much a situation comes and breaks me down to the minimum, i'm still fixable, and i'm still me. In my quest for answers i've done many things, most of which only one person knows, usually they are different people. Not much mood swings lately which is good, i dont think i'm really depressed and in any insane state of mind. So i guess the last stage of this whole episode is upon me. The conclusion. I guess i still have to decide if i want to live or die.

Make a choice, stick to it. Stick to it beyond the point of stupidity. Even if you know its senseless, painful, and completely unnecessary, follow through. Even when you might be wrong, and there are people telling you theres another way, or give things another chance, follow through. I guess thats what comes out of the choice. I guess every stubborn person has it. The ability to block out everyones opinions, even your own and stick to the choices that they've made.

Its odd to feel me again, to feel the parts of my brain reconnect, like something went right, like your thinking starts to click properly, your personality comes together nicely, and you're you, and maybe you can rely on yourself to do something right.

Well alot has happened lately, i'd like to write it all down, but i cant seem to find the time. Now that i have the time, i dont think i can remmeber them all. I found out what happened to someone i used to love. Someone who really broke my heart when i was younger. Left me for some other guy, and now that guys in my company. I wish she didnt have to go through all that. Its odd that though i havent seen her for years, she still remembers what i look like.

I have experienced waking in the middle of the night badly in need of screaming from fear, but my throat was too parched and sore. all that came out was some weird gargling noise. Too frightened to sleep, too paranoid to open my eyes, i lay in mute silence, the world black, my mouth closed, my body still as corpse, and listened to the endless chirping of crickets, and the vast silence of the night. Yes, i think that silence is a sound, on the grounds that nothing is something.

I was told that i have a strong heart from a doctor i barely knew. She also said i will find no lover for awhile. She said the women in my life will use me and leave me when they've had what they want. This is my life i guess, the ups are insanely high, fantastically magical and beautiful, and the lows are slightly better than being on Saint Catherine's wheel. I think Catherine is a nice name for a girl.

Someones have also chosen to walk out of my life over a game. Like seriously, i'd rather not have to deal with that shit. I am me, and i walk, i dont want to look back, and i give as many chances as it takes for you to convince me that you're not worth it. To convince me that i've done my part in trying to fix things. I am human and i know its in our nature to fuck up time and time again. But to not want to talk things out and fix things, indicates bothering is pointless. And that sound plays in my head, loving the sound of you walking away, and i walk too, it feels like walking the plank a little, at first difficult, then theres this wonderful feeling of freedom. If the wise restraints make men free, then the only reason i know people, is because i'm a pretty restraint person.

I guess the crux of all this is i dont think i'll love another because i dont see the point of building up relationships on that level that wont last. The MO said, dont kill yourself over a girl, that stupid. Wise words but not helpful at all. I dont understand why all he sees is the gender, when its the person i love. Its not just a girl i wanted to tell him, its a person i let into my life, opened my heart to, and shared my dreams, hopes and desires with. A person i took faith with, a person i love who understood me better than i understood myself, who i trusted with my life. I wanted to tell him that nothing can hurt me, nothing ever does. I dont get affected by things that easily, maybe on the outside, i try to show that i'm still human, but on the inside, i'm as steady as a rock. Even more so now, because i know that theres a vast ocean of nothingness within me. I wanted to tell him off and ask him where he got the stupid notion that a girl did this to me. She was more than a girl, she was my best friend, my closest confidant, the better half of my being, the balance in my life, the dark side of the moon that you dont really see, but if you look closely enough completes you. She was the hope of eight years of waiting, she was the faith that i put in god. My life is not pointless because of her, its pointless because my patience is almost at its end. Because as much as i can tell myself to sit and wait for something better, i'm sick and tired of waiting for something that is as unfufilling as bad sex, as empty as a glass of water in a desert and a hole in your mouth where the water just leeks out.

I'm better than this i said once, "jeremy," someone replied, "you're human, of course you think you are". I cant remember if she said you think you are or you are, but i think its better to err on the side of caution. We're all better, we're all cut out for better things, its just sometimes, you wonder, why do anything if theres no reason to do it. Would you rather live a life in fear, in total paranoia and panic, or die while yu're perfectly content with life, i guess i've got two years to decide, and no, its not two years because my NS ends in two years.

What do i want now, nothing, what do i need now, nothing. I'd be alright if i lived or died. Though i cant see life the way i used to anymore, i dont really think i care anymore.

I guess i'm still divided, because the other half wants somebody i love to come, and tell me its alright, and everything can be fixed, and not to brood because it does not become me. Soft reassuring words that fill up the emptiness in my heart, it doesn't matter what they are, as long as they're sincere. Someone who says please trust me, i dont want you to go, we can fix this together, you dont have to be alone anymore. Someone who knows me well, and when i say say "but", she says "i know", and once in awhile, even when i think the buts, she'll know and tell me its alright, you're life is different now.

I guess i'm divided, and i want to be complete. And i'm suffering waiting, waiting for something thats a million miles away. The empty half wants to be whole, warm and full. The full half wants to be empty. I see emptiness is dying because i think the empty part is dead.