Walking Alone

I've come to a decision. I've made a choice. I don't intend to look back. I'm a different person now. Things are different now. Things will work out some how. And I'm filled with an overwhelming sense of optimism. I know me, and I love me. There are different kinds of joy. Some make you smile on the outside and clap your hands, sing and feel like dancing. This is not that. Its more like the solemn joy Suja talked about so long ago. The one that has no place in the outside world. It is wholly and completely mine.

And as I grow up. I learn that there are somethings that just belong to me, alone. And no matter how good they are, and no matter how much I try to share them, its not something that can be translated into words or emotions.

Happy birthday Us

This has to be said: PORCH MUNKEY 4 LIFE.

i guess my posts are delibrately long to deter people from reading. haha. Its another year, another birthday, another time i wish i had the same shirt different day shirt. I cant decide if i want to put out my written bday post. I think my best posts are the ones i dont put here.

I think the next step is looking for a difficult goal acomplishing it and feeling proud of me. I think its one of those things severely lacking in my life. Apart from things like personal identity. I dont think i ever had one. Just the me in the moments, sometimes i love me more than other times, sometimes its really alot more. Oh well life is shit but we live it because we are taught that suicide is wrong. Its my catholic past that keeps me thinking that suicide will send me to hell, though i dont believe in dante's visions of hell. I think being aware of God's (even mildest) displeasure is hell enough.

I'm doing pretty good on the no drinking thing, quite a shock, my mantra is the liver is not evil and need not be punished. Though i think the brain took abit more of a beating than the liver ever did. Liver heals, brain doesn't and if this is how i will end up living my life in some semi charmed mildly delirious state... well i dont know if i can.

I was thinking about semi-charmed life today, i really like that song. Its odd that puff the magic dragon got banned and semi-charmed didnt. Crystal Meth will lift you up until you break baby. It seems Meth is the new in thing, all over the TV i've seen Oprah and some other womens talk show thing do a special on meth and how people recover from it. Its never things like pot or heroine, well pot for obvious reasons, mamybe there are some on the other drugs. Things like suburban moms taking their kids Rit so they can do their momsy things. Its kinda sad that society forces its impression of perfection on us so much that people resort to such means to be the perfect person. Life is all about its little ironies eh.

The other song thats getting me is Life on Mars? by Ziggy Stardust. Blue THICK eye shadow can only be justified by two words. GLAM ROCK. I sent the video to a friend and the first thing he said was Blue Eye shadow? Thou shalt not judge the glam rock... The irony in this is bowie felt so caught up in his Ziggy Stardust personality that he stopped being for some part, him. I havent named my alter ego, this me i've become. Maybe its still seython, just a more overt form.

Seython needs nothing wants nothing, but will have everything on a whim. He is weighted by the other part of me, that needs everything and wants everything but wont take anything unless its forced on him. East meets west, north meets south, its all about opposites, and in my case it just goes abit more extreme.

It has occured to me that i'm not as messed up as i think i am, and its the influence of other people who used to think i was that made me feel this way. need to give up, let go, and let somebody new into my life. Problem is i havent met anyone right, and everytime i attempt to the other is less conscious of the other in me. I need someone who can see the better part of me and believe in that.

As always i'm happier being the fool, having something to believe in, having a tomorrow with goals to look forward to. Right now none of them seem really relevant. I do because. Not because i anything. As for the question how little can i live with. As has been my answer many years ago, i can live with nothing. I can live on an island on my own. Z for Zachariah. Sometimes i wonder if i was the last guy on earth, and you were the last girl, what would i do, would i feel that instinctive need to propogate the human race. Probably not, humanity is shit, i think i'd look for a condom.

Its funny how i'm so not bothered by vday. It passed as planned, just another day, nothing really important. oh yes this too has to be said. I dont like drugs, more so after reading Brave new world, and that last episode of boston legal. They're really subversive, imposing culture upon you, robbing you of identity. Maybe that why almost everybody i know on anti-depressants never really recover. They make you reliant, they promise alot but take away things you take for granted. Sanity, peace of mind, the ability to love, yourself or another, because you're seldom really there, just some numb shell. Why dream of hell when this world is more than enough. We can lose our souls here why bother about the longest term.

Therefore I propose. Save your soul. Be a Porch Munkey 4 Life.

Happiness is to know

Today is great. Like the greatest. I feel like a million bucks, on top of the world and completely whole. If only everyday was like today. I would be a happy person. It was a jump up in the air and click your heels kind of happy. The kind where nothing could go wrong.

As i was walking home i thought. There was so much that i wanted to say, that i still want to say to people now that i can be so positive. But i dont. There are time when i should have keep quiet instead of rambling on, but i didnt. I felt like Freddy singing "cant stop me now"!!

When i'm good i'm really really good. And when i'm bad, its like angels, when they go bad they go really really bad. I feel like i can take over the world, like i can make sense of anything and as soon as a question pops into my head its nearly answered.

Somethings i should say, the things i really want to say. But i guess i know nothing really matters. if i met someone who was could suddenly understand for just a moment me i would like to ideally spend that moment in complete knowing silence. The words dont really matter, the mutual understanding does.

Right now i have to disagree witha few things. I'm not needy and i dont really need anything. second was I do make effort to take care of myself. I stopped the self destruction. I'm building my life anew, and i'm making a ton of effort to not go completely whack-o like jack-o. I found things that make me happy, and i've cut out everything and everyone in my life who doesn't. And this is a huge step for me because i usually dont care and believe in second and thrid and 77 chances.

The higher you aspire to the farther you have to fall. The longer and more frightening it is, the longer it remains in your memory. I'm happy now. Still swingy, but happieR.

Because it is a brave new world

I asked for it. I got it. Something i never forget. I hope you understand this is not one of those things you say thank you to. I hope you realise this is one of those things that is enough for me. It will never be enough.

I will be better. I will be stronger. And on days when its not so painful to be alive, on those days when i'm not so desperately fighting myself. I will be glad to be alive. Of the things i have i have in abundance. Of the things I own, i have nothing. Theres nothing left behind but a mutilated corpse where my soul was. But i think even that is enough.

I dont know if i have, maybe i will one day ask you to let me heal. To allow me to be happy. Maybe one day when i can really mean it, when i know that i can still be driven while happy. Alot of things have changed, alot has come and gone. Mostly gone. And as everyday passes i learn to live with less. I know enough to know that i dont know if this makes me a stronger person. Or even if stronger is better.

I want to know, when you look inside me. I want to know if you can see the cuts, if you can see the scars. If you can see all the hurt and pain. I want to know why. Sometimes. Most times i think they're completely irrelevant. Like grazed knees.

You know me, love me and accept me. You've been there since the beginning, and been there at the end. In an ideal world, i would love you always, constantly, keep you at the top of my mind. It would be passionate, it would be intense, and i would willingly give up everything until it hurts. And when it hurts, i would not blame you, i would not turn around and curse everything. But this is not an ideal world. We both know this. I try, but I cant say i try my best. Because theres always something more, because i am never satisfied.

At the end of this all there are only us. The rest of the world are details. At the end of it all. You know how much i want to be with you. I hope i will not be disapointed in this, and even if i am it really wouldn't matter. It would be nice if i could stop asking you for anything more. But i am not like that. But things will be better, one day there will be peace, and one day this world really wouldn't matter. I've been asking for 6 years now, and i'm fully prepared to ask for 40 more. I know what i wanted then and i know what I want now.

One lover, one life. I will come back to you no matter how long it takes. When i do please dont let me go. Because i am human and i make mistakes. Its not that i'm sorry for them, its just that this would be so much easier without the mistakes.

I never stop loving when i start, and at its very core, the how doesn't change. I want to be good enough for you. And i will do everything in my power to be. I probably will not succeed, but i will try.

I should have, but i didnt. So i'm fucked.

Its better when i dont realise how much i've changed. When i dont see that glimmer of me in the past. When i give up all hope to the point of forgetting the meaning of hope. When i feel indifferent to all the dead i feel inside. I hate feeling happy. I hate the hormones. I hate it so much when i find something in me that gives me a reason to hope that i will feel tomorrow like i felt all those years ago. I hate you all trying to cure me and make me feel better. I hate your patronage and your holier than thou "get over it", "snap out of its" etc. I hate. I think that is the last emotion i am capable of before a timely demise. I hate how demise so closely resembles another word. I hate that i'm not able to shut the fuck up and die quietly. I hate the slurring pleas, the pathetic wanting something i cant have. I hate your ampathy. I cant do this, not right now. I dont ever want to be happy. I dont want to have a soul. I dont want to understand the normal human standards of care and concern. I want to be perpetually dead and incapable of care. I want to listen to sad songs and not feel anything. I want to want these things that i am going to have. And i want to hate all these things that i love the most. There is nothing in this world for me. And all this doing is because of nothing. This trail of ugly that follows behind me has to stop.

Expectations

Life is short, and shitty, and a real pain. Having, not having, wanting and needing. Of the things that define us, that make us human. The one thing that really means the most, that really shows, that really shines. Its the things that inspire us, to do better, to achive greater. We all want to be great, we want to believe that in this short shitty meaningless life, we will eventually amount to something. Something to show for all the strife, all the pain, all the heartache, that we inflict on ourselves and the othr that we so dearly love. Something to show for all the What Ifs, the could have beens, and the regret that we will never admit that we have. Something to show to ourselves, that it worked out for the better, and we an stop dwelling on the could haves. So we will never have to deal with the agony of going back, the ordeal of attempting the impossible.

I want something to believe in again. Because i've tried so hard, because i'd like to be inspired. I'd like to be whole, defined, and human. I'd like to beieve in something, have faith in something. Like I used to have faith in all of you. I hope to be able to hope for the better, instead of expect the worst. I'll be able to fight and suffer for what i believed in once again. Maybe thats love, the willingnes to undetake suffering for what we believe in. Because it completes us so well, we never want to let it go. And sometimes, we end up loving ghosts, phantoms of the past, who dont exist anymore. I guess thats the delusional i was dubbed with. But I needed to believe in something. It used to be you.

Finding me, no?

After a long time of soul searching i have arrived at the spot i began. which is good i guess in a way. I'm still the same person going to make the same mistakes in life.

I am what i am, and no matter how much a situation comes and breaks me down to the minimum, i'm still fixable, and i'm still me. In my quest for answers i've done many things, most of which only one person knows, usually they are different people. Not much mood swings lately which is good, i dont think i'm really depressed and in any insane state of mind. So i guess the last stage of this whole episode is upon me. The conclusion. I guess i still have to decide if i want to live or die.

Make a choice, stick to it. Stick to it beyond the point of stupidity. Even if you know its senseless, painful, and completely unnecessary, follow through. Even when you might be wrong, and there are people telling you theres another way, or give things another chance, follow through. I guess thats what comes out of the choice. I guess every stubborn person has it. The ability to block out everyones opinions, even your own and stick to the choices that they've made.

Its odd to feel me again, to feel the parts of my brain reconnect, like something went right, like your thinking starts to click properly, your personality comes together nicely, and you're you, and maybe you can rely on yourself to do something right.

Well alot has happened lately, i'd like to write it all down, but i cant seem to find the time. Now that i have the time, i dont think i can remmeber them all. I found out what happened to someone i used to love. Someone who really broke my heart when i was younger. Left me for some other guy, and now that guys in my company. I wish she didnt have to go through all that. Its odd that though i havent seen her for years, she still remembers what i look like.

I have experienced waking in the middle of the night badly in need of screaming from fear, but my throat was too parched and sore. all that came out was some weird gargling noise. Too frightened to sleep, too paranoid to open my eyes, i lay in mute silence, the world black, my mouth closed, my body still as corpse, and listened to the endless chirping of crickets, and the vast silence of the night. Yes, i think that silence is a sound, on the grounds that nothing is something.

I was told that i have a strong heart from a doctor i barely knew. She also said i will find no lover for awhile. She said the women in my life will use me and leave me when they've had what they want. This is my life i guess, the ups are insanely high, fantastically magical and beautiful, and the lows are slightly better than being on Saint Catherine's wheel. I think Catherine is a nice name for a girl.

Someones have also chosen to walk out of my life over a game. Like seriously, i'd rather not have to deal with that shit. I am me, and i walk, i dont want to look back, and i give as many chances as it takes for you to convince me that you're not worth it. To convince me that i've done my part in trying to fix things. I am human and i know its in our nature to fuck up time and time again. But to not want to talk things out and fix things, indicates bothering is pointless. And that sound plays in my head, loving the sound of you walking away, and i walk too, it feels like walking the plank a little, at first difficult, then theres this wonderful feeling of freedom. If the wise restraints make men free, then the only reason i know people, is because i'm a pretty restraint person.

I guess the crux of all this is i dont think i'll love another because i dont see the point of building up relationships on that level that wont last. The MO said, dont kill yourself over a girl, that stupid. Wise words but not helpful at all. I dont understand why all he sees is the gender, when its the person i love. Its not just a girl i wanted to tell him, its a person i let into my life, opened my heart to, and shared my dreams, hopes and desires with. A person i took faith with, a person i love who understood me better than i understood myself, who i trusted with my life. I wanted to tell him that nothing can hurt me, nothing ever does. I dont get affected by things that easily, maybe on the outside, i try to show that i'm still human, but on the inside, i'm as steady as a rock. Even more so now, because i know that theres a vast ocean of nothingness within me. I wanted to tell him off and ask him where he got the stupid notion that a girl did this to me. She was more than a girl, she was my best friend, my closest confidant, the better half of my being, the balance in my life, the dark side of the moon that you dont really see, but if you look closely enough completes you. She was the hope of eight years of waiting, she was the faith that i put in god. My life is not pointless because of her, its pointless because my patience is almost at its end. Because as much as i can tell myself to sit and wait for something better, i'm sick and tired of waiting for something that is as unfufilling as bad sex, as empty as a glass of water in a desert and a hole in your mouth where the water just leeks out.

I'm better than this i said once, "jeremy," someone replied, "you're human, of course you think you are". I cant remember if she said you think you are or you are, but i think its better to err on the side of caution. We're all better, we're all cut out for better things, its just sometimes, you wonder, why do anything if theres no reason to do it. Would you rather live a life in fear, in total paranoia and panic, or die while yu're perfectly content with life, i guess i've got two years to decide, and no, its not two years because my NS ends in two years.

What do i want now, nothing, what do i need now, nothing. I'd be alright if i lived or died. Though i cant see life the way i used to anymore, i dont really think i care anymore.

I guess i'm still divided, because the other half wants somebody i love to come, and tell me its alright, and everything can be fixed, and not to brood because it does not become me. Soft reassuring words that fill up the emptiness in my heart, it doesn't matter what they are, as long as they're sincere. Someone who says please trust me, i dont want you to go, we can fix this together, you dont have to be alone anymore. Someone who knows me well, and when i say say "but", she says "i know", and once in awhile, even when i think the buts, she'll know and tell me its alright, you're life is different now.

I guess i'm divided, and i want to be complete. And i'm suffering waiting, waiting for something thats a million miles away. The empty half wants to be whole, warm and full. The full half wants to be empty. I see emptiness is dying because i think the empty part is dead.