I'm jeremy, and this is my heart

I wanted to call this post what the snowman learnt from love. Sort of like an alternate beginning to an alternate end. That line is the wonderful beginning to the album. It starts with "Hi i'm evan and this is my heart", so simple yet so expressive. The words "This is my heart" sends shivers down my spine everytime i hear it. Mostly when you choose to be with someone these are the silent words that play in the still of your mind.

"i am evan and this is my heart, i am amy and this is my heart, i am chris this is my heart, i am touque
this is my heart."

This is my heart, take it, break it, make it, love it, hate it, becareful with it, be reckless with it, let it engulf you, engulf it with you, make it soar and fly, chain it to you, this is my heart, it was once mine, now its yours, I'll break it for you, because i think you're worth it.

how the heart bends, and summer she sends a sky that refuses to die
with weeds of the sea that wrap round our knees and a sun too hot to go down

Somehow you bend it more and more, harder and harder, the heart is a muscle, its made for abuse. Its resiliant, it keeps going, it keeps caring, more and more, even when its past the time to stop. The heart is a huge paradox, it needs to hurt to be happy, to suffer to be pleasured, to belong, to be free.

you come around, you come around, you come around, you come around, you come around, you come around,
you come around

The first thing you come around to is accepting your happiness. You've been used to running away from everythign that makes you feel happy, because you're not one of those people happy things happen to. At some moment you stop and convince yourself this is actually happening. You finally stop running from the things that keep you too broken to hope for something better. And you start hoping for something better.

how the heart bends, and summer she sends a sky that refuses to die
with weeds of the sea that wrap round our knees, and a sun too hot to go down

Then you bend to your lover, allowing yourself to be loved completely, and everything is in bloom, the skies are endless, and your heart knows no boundries. The endlessness of possibilities washes over you, and the day is bright and you never even consider that its going to end. Ignorance, bliss, everything, comepletely eternal.

you come around, you come around, you come around, you come around, you come around, you come around,
you come around

And then you come around to reality. That nothing is forever, nothing is really perfect, nothing really means anything. That reality you live in, that special world safe from everything, everything harsh, and cruel that can be thrown at you. And you know that made up world is not real. And your heart sinks, aches, bleeds from the inside. You come around to the real world, with real people who aren't your friends, who dont love you. When the sweetest of lovers hurts you so profoundly, you start to realise, anyone can.

You rush through denial, undeniable rage, rightous pride, a brilliant shade of the purest envy, excessive expendiature showing yourself you're worth something, one-night stands with soft warm hands, a malicious want to deny others what you were not allowed to have, and the constant desire to stay within the eye if destruction, and keep yourself shielded in that firm belief, if its happening to anyone, i wont be first. Basically indulging in the seven deadly sins.

you come around, you come around, you come around, you come around, you come around, you come around,
you come around

I'm not sure about you but i came around again, i guess because it was important. Because i dislike the random destruction in my heart. I've always prefered cold blooded calculated destruction where i'm always aware what the consequences are. I refuse to be unaware of they whys in my life. And i want to know always exactly why i make my choices, so i may never do anything i'd regret.

If you'd regret it, dont do it, if you do it dont regret it. If you do it and regret it, choose between the lesser of two evils, or atleast where you'll be less sad (inaccurately defined as happier). Because at the end of the day, theres only you.

P.S.

Life is like the sweetest pill. Life is truly sweet. And we're all children, we all want sweeter and sweeter, more and more. I remember when i was young, once upon a fairy tale, i ate alot of belimbing (yes i know belimbing is not classicly defined as sweet). I wonder if its the same with saccharine, and you cant taste anything but that bitter after taste for days on end. At least the bitterness is fading. I've dared to take a chance, only to be reminded to take a longer break. I'll be fine because i'll always be fine. I feel relatively nothing because i choose not to break my heart this time, not to try, not to be disappointed by people who dont know what they want, and dont know how their actions affect others on a very simple level. I guess its not knowing, but caring enough to want to understand, realising that there is something to be understood.

Lately i've become better at doing things that i have to do, even if it hurts. I just spin on the ball of my heel and start singing, I love the sound of you walking away, imagine the click of shoes on a wooden floor, and keep the steps to the beat.

When i gave you a chance its undeniable, when i love you its undeniable, atleast i think i get my point accross well. Both of them aren't the same thing. Well who really knows, the most i know is that i tried in my own way.