Post 98

Because 99's cliche and i havent reached an even hundred, new monitor, 865 spyware threats removed, i got to finally see yvonne after 2 bloody years of calling and was one of the first to see her house nicely done. I should be happy, content even, i mean these are the usual things that make me smile. Yet at the back of my mind i still feel somethings missing.

Listening to Belle and Sebastian, its a BS kind of mood for tonight i just love their album titles, things like "I'm waking up to us" and "This is just a modern rock song". Almost like a declaration, "I dont care what you think, but tomorrow i'm waking up to us." Sounds like something you'd say to yourself. All that denial and self loathing, rolled up in one nice fuzzy suicidal ball, bouncing of the warm walls of life, with the joy a fat kid in school does.

There are seconds you say, "I'm waking up to us darling", and you try to believe it even if its so unbelieveable. That tomorrow will be fine, that the other half of your normally cold bed will be a warm somebody. Against your naked unprotected back, you'll feel not just somebody's bosom, but a live beating heart. And you can go back to sleep, because between each beat is the promise, "I got you darling". That nightmare that woke you up doesn't mater anymore, because it dont come back no more. Some part of your subconscious says, theres no point murdering yourself in your sleep now, you're content, you're whole, and you've found that missing part of you you've spent your whole life searching for.