Je pense, donc je suis
I used to wonder. Now, i guess i dont anymore. Somewheres along the line i decided to try this life thing. I thought it would take a longer time to decide, but i guess when you're faced with the do or die situation, ultimately you know what you would choose.
Sometimes the memories hold you back. Usually its the hope, a second chance, a regret that you hope might one day be set right. So far i've lived with few regrets. Almost none. Once in awhile, i'm faced with some situation where the cognitive dissonance is too much for me to bear, and my life, my world crumbles under the weight of it.
I've been trying to figure out how many things i love. How much in this life is important to me. I've been alone for a very long time, and i'm falling back on my habits of solitude. I live in my own world with my own rules, disconnecting from everything until i've got almost nthing left. Maybe its rotting, on the flip side, sometimes i think its just getting rid of junk, throwing away the unnecessary baggage.
I guess the faceless stranger in my bunk has taught me something. That I want to live. Sometimes i feel like talking to it. And i suppress that curious side of me that wants to find out whats after life. Sometimes i want to tell it to stop making such a racket, and i suppress that irritable arrogant side of me that keeps getting me in trouble. I guess no matter what happens i'm still the same person. I just learn how to keep things in better, how to not show myself too much, how to hide enough away so i stop thinking about it. Especially the things that dont make me smile.
Well, i'm actually shocked can do that many push-ups. I'm even more shocked that dispite doing a hundred push ups in two hours i can do only three pull ups. My sanity has been saved by anxiety boy's magic sweets. I sleep better at night when i dont dream or wake up. Though its odd that my body is magically immune to sleeping at night. Maybe not immune but very resisitant.
For now, i want to fix my life. I dont want to be happy just yet, i'll concenterate on sane first.
I had alot of witty things to say, alot of obversations to write down. But somehow its not so important now. I think i'll have to just do, and try my best to remember, instead of writing it down and forgetting.
If anybody cares, i'm fine. I'm starting to feel more like the little engine that could with every passing day. My heart is finally fixing, and with enough hope i'll live through the rest of this only to go through it again. I dont think the drama if 2005 will ever be forgotten, but i hope the people who were affected by it can forgive me for that.
Its not really time that heals, its sleep, forgiveness, and enough life threatening situations that eventually brings you to the point where you start to realise what is sane and what is not. As well as how much, despite the foolhardyness, you dont want to die.
I still believe in kharma, i still do not like change, and sometimes i still hope that something might go right. Like a fairy tale ending, like a real truth, like a journey with a destination. Sometimes i know this is too much to ask for. And everyday as i begin to fix, i realise i hope because i'm human.
I think therefore I am.
Sometimes the memories hold you back. Usually its the hope, a second chance, a regret that you hope might one day be set right. So far i've lived with few regrets. Almost none. Once in awhile, i'm faced with some situation where the cognitive dissonance is too much for me to bear, and my life, my world crumbles under the weight of it.
I've been trying to figure out how many things i love. How much in this life is important to me. I've been alone for a very long time, and i'm falling back on my habits of solitude. I live in my own world with my own rules, disconnecting from everything until i've got almost nthing left. Maybe its rotting, on the flip side, sometimes i think its just getting rid of junk, throwing away the unnecessary baggage.
I guess the faceless stranger in my bunk has taught me something. That I want to live. Sometimes i feel like talking to it. And i suppress that curious side of me that wants to find out whats after life. Sometimes i want to tell it to stop making such a racket, and i suppress that irritable arrogant side of me that keeps getting me in trouble. I guess no matter what happens i'm still the same person. I just learn how to keep things in better, how to not show myself too much, how to hide enough away so i stop thinking about it. Especially the things that dont make me smile.
Well, i'm actually shocked can do that many push-ups. I'm even more shocked that dispite doing a hundred push ups in two hours i can do only three pull ups. My sanity has been saved by anxiety boy's magic sweets. I sleep better at night when i dont dream or wake up. Though its odd that my body is magically immune to sleeping at night. Maybe not immune but very resisitant.
For now, i want to fix my life. I dont want to be happy just yet, i'll concenterate on sane first.
I had alot of witty things to say, alot of obversations to write down. But somehow its not so important now. I think i'll have to just do, and try my best to remember, instead of writing it down and forgetting.
If anybody cares, i'm fine. I'm starting to feel more like the little engine that could with every passing day. My heart is finally fixing, and with enough hope i'll live through the rest of this only to go through it again. I dont think the drama if 2005 will ever be forgotten, but i hope the people who were affected by it can forgive me for that.
Its not really time that heals, its sleep, forgiveness, and enough life threatening situations that eventually brings you to the point where you start to realise what is sane and what is not. As well as how much, despite the foolhardyness, you dont want to die.
I still believe in kharma, i still do not like change, and sometimes i still hope that something might go right. Like a fairy tale ending, like a real truth, like a journey with a destination. Sometimes i know this is too much to ask for. And everyday as i begin to fix, i realise i hope because i'm human.
I think therefore I am.
posted by Seython at 4:15 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home