Sometimes words fail me

Seems like a fine day to post. I feel, something i cant describe. Theres a big IDK looming above the atmosphere. I want to go to sleep but the damm windows are taking forever to install. Poems and other things that i liked are under the fragile things label, other ranting and raving stuff are in vacation in my mind and this new scooters label. Lyrics are in words that haunt my mind. Lyrics are aligned in the centre, in small font, quotations are in quotation marks or small font, or sometimes i expect you the reader to know the difference between what i wrote and what i find inspiring. All in all I have told the second person of my intention of changing this blog. I'm moving on. I promised myself i would, and now i do it whether i like it or not. If you're wondering i both like and dislike it. Why limit yourself to one when you can be greedy and have both. This is post number 181, my new blog will be started by post 200.

I would tell the wole wide world how i feel, but i really don't think anybody cares. So i'll shut up, hope like hell for the best, and take things one step one thing at a time. What else can i do right, i'm only human. Sometimes how human i am becomes painfully apparent, sometimes i have no idea of the concept of what it means to be human.

A metaphorical big W looms above my head, in some bubbly comic font saying "whatever, whatever", ironically losing its metaphorical usefulness. Oh big W what is the meaning of thing existence. "Because Liar, Liar, pants on fire, that's what she said." random Sherene's Closet quote. I need a name for my new desktop. Delilah maybe. Actually after thinking so hard (i.e. the 15 minutes between the full stop after desktop and actually), I think i'll just call her Del, to commemorate the beginning of a new age, the age of Vista, 320MB gfx cards, moving on, and this blog, who was honestly the best sounding board i've had in this last eternity. It listened, when i wrote, it spoke when i needed to listen to myself, and most importantly, it houses alot of memories, both painful and that other thing. It has been with me through delirium and delight

Its decided then, I shall name her Del.

Je pense, donc je suis

I used to wonder. Now, i guess i dont anymore. Somewheres along the line i decided to try this life thing. I thought it would take a longer time to decide, but i guess when you're faced with the do or die situation, ultimately you know what you would choose.

Sometimes the memories hold you back. Usually its the hope, a second chance, a regret that you hope might one day be set right. So far i've lived with few regrets. Almost none. Once in awhile, i'm faced with some situation where the cognitive dissonance is too much for me to bear, and my life, my world crumbles under the weight of it.

I've been trying to figure out how many things i love. How much in this life is important to me. I've been alone for a very long time, and i'm falling back on my habits of solitude. I live in my own world with my own rules, disconnecting from everything until i've got almost nthing left. Maybe its rotting, on the flip side, sometimes i think its just getting rid of junk, throwing away the unnecessary baggage.

I guess the faceless stranger in my bunk has taught me something. That I want to live. Sometimes i feel like talking to it. And i suppress that curious side of me that wants to find out whats after life. Sometimes i want to tell it to stop making such a racket, and i suppress that irritable arrogant side of me that keeps getting me in trouble. I guess no matter what happens i'm still the same person. I just learn how to keep things in better, how to not show myself too much, how to hide enough away so i stop thinking about it. Especially the things that dont make me smile.

Well, i'm actually shocked can do that many push-ups. I'm even more shocked that dispite doing a hundred push ups in two hours i can do only three pull ups. My sanity has been saved by anxiety boy's magic sweets. I sleep better at night when i dont dream or wake up. Though its odd that my body is magically immune to sleeping at night. Maybe not immune but very resisitant.

For now, i want to fix my life. I dont want to be happy just yet, i'll concenterate on sane first.

I had alot of witty things to say, alot of obversations to write down. But somehow its not so important now. I think i'll have to just do, and try my best to remember, instead of writing it down and forgetting.

If anybody cares, i'm fine. I'm starting to feel more like the little engine that could with every passing day. My heart is finally fixing, and with enough hope i'll live through the rest of this only to go through it again. I dont think the drama if 2005 will ever be forgotten, but i hope the people who were affected by it can forgive me for that.

Its not really time that heals, its sleep, forgiveness, and enough life threatening situations that eventually brings you to the point where you start to realise what is sane and what is not. As well as how much, despite the foolhardyness, you dont want to die.

I still believe in kharma, i still do not like change, and sometimes i still hope that something might go right. Like a fairy tale ending, like a real truth, like a journey with a destination. Sometimes i know this is too much to ask for. And everyday as i begin to fix, i realise i hope because i'm human.

I think therefore I am.