3 A.M. on the Saturday Train

Thanks to the only one of you who told me you liked my last post. I'm sure there are more of you who cant be bothered to hit the comment button or drop me a mesage on msn. Here am i at 3 A.M. listening to 3 A.M. thinking about nothing i'd bother you with.

Its really hard to write original stuff, think or write in an original way. I need the right song on repeat the right person to write to in my mind, sometimes its persons. Writing is one of the few things i actually enjoy in life. That and reading, and i do think I write and read because i've got nobody to talk to. Sometimes i have the words to say them, but most times i don't. Because very few people actually create the atmosphere for a good conversation.

The biggest things that ucks about being single is there is nobody to sit down with and have a nice chat about something, nothing, or everything with at a quiet corner in a coffee place. And I think i've found the best spot, sometimes i think its quite a shame. But i've grown to like being single, funnily enough, i'm starting to enjoy the moments of solitude. Having written that, i wonder how true that statement is. Well no point thinking it to bits.

I was thinking about this blog and i should probably put a big disclaimer, "If you're not depressed, dont expect yourself to understand everything." I cant wait for the army. Well not really, its like waiting for an orgy with only gay men. I hope my asshole survives the other assholes. It'll probably be stretched beyond constipation by the time they're done with what they so affectionately call "Wake up our idea".

Alot of things dont make any sense. Actually everything pakes perfect sense. SInce you're reading this i can tell you there was a pause of what seemed like five minutes and was actually 20 seconds in between thouse two sentences. It just amazes me how stupid poeple can be.

Everybody wants a somebody who has passion. They want somebody who inspires them, to greater things. They want that person in touch with their inner child, whos eyes light up when they talk about something they love, that little spark of curiousity, intrigue, that little thing that they do that brightens up everything in view. And, so they feel like life has a sense of purpose, meaning, beauty.

I've seen more often than most, actually women giving up on relationships when their guy is on a down, when they're finding their way around the dark. Poor guys sometimes never even had a chance to properly pick themselves up and rebuild themselves before they get thrown down by the ones they love. Sure men do it, but none really that i know of.

Acutally most of the guys i know are pretty good. I'm sure there are more complete assholes out there, but i just dont associate myself with them.

My song for the night has suddenly changed to Saturday Train, by the Acid House Kings.

Sometimes i feel like the world has got it for me, like everything thats done is a huge joke played on me. At the back of my mind is that lingering paranoia, Dont trust, Dont open up, dont let them ever get close enough to you to hurt you, dont take a chance, just be content being like this, you're not ready to be hurt yet. Sometimes i wonder if i'll every be ready to get hurt again. There are some people i'd trust time and time again, just say the word and like a pathetic fool, i'd leap into your arms again. Ok, i'm talking about one person but there are actually a few out there.

My eyes have been really dry since the bar none night, it was certianly a night to remember, bar none. I've got this annoying fake plastic smile on most of the time, and it feels oddly like cotton mouth. Sometimes something really makes me feel, mostly, i dont notice it until a day later. I guess its just a defense, but it feels like emotional retardation.

Now that my time is drawing close, there are some people i'd like to spend my time with, but all of them are away or busy burried under six feet of work. Let me list them all.

Yvonne, whose house i had to sneak into avoiding her husband, i honnestly never thought i'd have to sneak into a girls house again, it was kinda fun. Made me feel 14 again rememebering the last time i had to sneak into someones house. It just struck me on her birthday i've known her for 9 years, and i havent had anybody i've kept around, and kept up with for that long. Everytime i break up you're there for me, and there to listen to how much better this new girl was, after 9 years.

Aff, whos in aus whose house i had to sneak into when i was 14, that was 7 years ago. I remember. I remember getting leg cramps hiding in your wardrobe. I remember that night on Siloso beach where i swore off Sunset Magheritas for life. I remember the days we spent at Shaw Towers, that present that you got me that i broke, and you were so pissed offed about. That thing about LZY, who if you're wondering the last i heard hes alive and in NS. And that list of things you wrote in pencil with what you hated about him. I remember you were such a young haughty thing, which attracted you to me in the first place.

Priya, whos burried in work, impossible to find and like some friends i know say will call me back but never do. I miss the nights sitting down under the block, talking, joking, laughing. I remember she was so happy for me when i got back from Melb. I remember keeping her company on those nights when she couldn't sleep waiting for Jonny to call. Its a shame what Mel did to him. The irony in that statement is killing me, not to self, never let Sammy date anyone whos name can be shortened to Mel. I remember crying into her arms, rushing down to fetch her home from puking one Chinese New Years night. Caring for her when she needed, and letting her take care of me when i needed it.

John, whos far far away, in his cell. The Bishan Park drinking accident that we'll never ever forget. I never knew what a full glass of hard liquor would do to me until that night. That incident is etched forever in my mind. I miss sitting down and talking about stupid things with you, talking about intelligent things when i could follow the conversation, drinking like there was no tomorrow, and that carpe diem feeling i get with you, that i can be young and dumb again.

Sammy, who i still constantly see, busy with two jobs and a new girl. Though you've got other responsibilities, you always make time for me, unless you're having steamboat with *erm* girlfriend. The best was getting kicked out of home economics class, and seeing you walk out after me, because the class was boring anyway. Then we drank port in the staircase, and in the canteen and the class, and witnessed a very drunk shan, asking for his change dispite being unable to stay awake. The drinking sessions we had in the playground where we met and decided that this was the start of a wonderful friendship. Satpal telling us Boon Qiu Lo will cure our asthma, whether we had asthma or not, and finding you and Alan in church camp the next morning was priceless.

Denise, who i should probably call, just to know how things are going. Social callsare important to upkeep.

Tab i've given up waiting for a place in the life, 8 years is long enough to call it quite. I've found even my patience has limits.

But i've spent the whole day thinking of someone whos name is something sweet. Of all the memories, i've had where i think smile, and have the smile reach my eyes so easily, the ones with you are not there. Its almost sad, i've missed you, we've grown apart like we said we never would. And just typing that sentence cuts because i dont want to admit its true. Promise me we'll fix this some day, when things arent so hard, beacuse i want those memories with you back. And i want to smile to them.

I feel like that John Denver song, Leaving on A Jet Plane. Not every post is a winner, this one is just there for me to remember what i want to do, what i need to do. Sometimes, i'm still soft inside, sometimes, i want to still make everything right. My spree is almost at its end, and i think its been a good year. If your names on the list, give me a ring, we'll talk, remember good times, and i hope you'll keep me flying straight through my future.

3 A.M.

She says its cold outside and she hands me my raincoat
Shes always worried about things like that
She says its all gonna end and it might as well be my fault
And she only sleeps when its raining
And she screams and her voice is straining

She says baby
Its 3am I must be lonely
When she says baby
Well I cant help but be scared of it all sometimes
Says the rains gonna wash away I believe it

Shes got a little bit of something, God its better than nothing
And in her color portrait world she believes that shes got it all
She swears the moon dont hang quite as high as it used to
And she only sleep when its raining
And she screams and her is straining

She believes that life is made up of all that youre used to
And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days
She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway
But outside its stopped raining

Saturday Train

Is it still on your mind?
Of course, it won’t let go
You could be doing the right thing
Maybe he doesn’t want to know

But, you have done wrong
And you want to make right
You can easily see
There will be a fight

So, you take him on the Saturday train
Just as it is starting to rain
And you tell it all
You feel so small
Then you’re done

What you’re thinking about
Is all he needs to know
You’ve made up your reasons
You hope maybe it doesn’t show

But, you have done wrong
And you want to make right
There are things on your mind
That can’t be undone

So, you take him on the Saturday train
Just as it is starting to rain
And you tell it all
You feel so small
Then you’re done

You can always change your heart, girl
You can never change your past
Will it stay inside your heart, girl?
Will it ever let you go?
Will it ever let you go?