Jeopardy

This would be the residual emotions i'm left with after the last post. A few things i have to say but no time to say them. Second on my mind is John's leaving and i've barely met up with him. Next is Aff hasn't blogged in a mth poor busy girl. Everybodys gone far far away, and apparently so have i. Far away from the spaces in between, the life that i thought i had, the reality i thought would last forever. Oddly i'll never get over some people telling me the way i feel is bullshit. What an odd time in my life for someone elses opinion of me to actually bug me. By odd, i guess its because theres not many people in my life, and the people in my life dont really have an opinion. The other thing that bugs me is why do some people bother to read this when it relly doesn't mater to them. You'd read if you care, for a candid laugh i feel its just too much trouble to go through reading the long posts i've written. Maybe in some alternate reality you do care, so you cant stop reading the writing of me at what i feel to be the lowesst point of my life. Sammy said something about being in a rut a few months back, i guess thats what it is, feelng so down and almost unable to find the will power to wake up. Like having 3 hours sleep after not sleeping for 3 days, and trying to force yourself to wake up on a cold cold morning. Its always easier to get up and go when you're feeling nicely warm and fuzzy inside. At this point i realise i havent put in a paragraph, the words zOMG learn to paragraph run through my mind and i do want to but i force myself not to. Simply because this is not supposed to be easy to read, because its not easy to write. I care about so little i need to do something about it. I have faith in a few people, a kind of nervous trust, like a surgeon with shaky hands. Hands are for building things with, building. And it does not do, nor does it become me to have shaky hands, a kind of semi-commitment in the things that i do. But i've learnt to fear, and like some kind of insidious illness it tears me up inside. Sometimes i dont feel its effects, sometimes i'm crippled. Things like commitment, friendship, trust and a general love for the people around me used to come so easily. Now its just trying. Thats the other thing that needs to be fixed. This fear, that the next person that i let into my life, that i learn to love and accept, is going to betray me, and all this work that i've done to get my head back in order. I used to answer that question so well. Do you Trust me? I'd say yes, close my eyes and jump off a building. I'd probably even have enjoyed the freefall, i always wanted to fly, now i dont know if i can trust anything with my body to the trechery of freedom. I probably wasn't wise with my restraints, everything blew up, and my world went from brightly neon to monochrome and then over exposed. Sometimes i think i should keep the memories, sometimes they just hurt too much. Old photographs, old messages with meaningless words like i love you, please trust me, dont hurt me, i want to be with you. They tear through my defences, and turn things upside down. Stop thinking about it, dont let it get to you, let it go. And i wonder, how can i let these things go when they're the only part of me i feel that is alive. How can i let it go when they're the only part of me that when i look at it, i feel something. Its not that complicated. It really isn't i just have to find something new, something good enough, without the lingering thought of betrayal on a whim, something that inspires me, so i can let this go, so i can be somebody else, so i can just stop the world from spinning around. Sometimes i feel so fucked in the head. my feelings bounce off the walls, the echoes of old ones meld with the new ones, and after awhile i am completely unaware of what is real and what isn't. Its the lingering anger, biterness and regret that really bites down hard on me. Its been a year, and i still havent forgiven. And this eats up on me on the inside, i'm starting to wonder if i have a soul. Sometimes i feel its dying, and i can become just another body doing, not being. To be or not to be? that is the question. Sometimes i dont know, and when i dont the world goes horribly wrong. Odd conversations go on in my head, the people i have them with sometimes come to mind but usually fade away. Somebody said this and smebody said that, i cant remember the who or the when, just the what. Maybe in an attempt to let go of things, my brain just lets go of random things in an attempt of cheating me. I know what i want, i know what i need, i know what i choose, i know. Its just that the reality and the other thing are completely opposite. I want something i cannot have. I probably am just stuck in a rut, the paradox of emotional entanglement weighing down on my soul. If my heart weighs more than a feather, just feed it to the dogs. Its worth so little to me because its weighing me down now, but its the only thing keeping me alive. For $2000, What is a Rut.