Howling at the moon

I'm feeling better, happier. Well not exactly happy, but I'm alright with being happy. I don't have anything to hope for, well not exactly but I've let a lot of things go. I hope you're here to stay peace of mind and sanity. I really missed you.

It became blatantly apparent, that in the wake of it, i have alot to fix. Sometimes i think its alright. Sometimes the sheer enormity of the task frightens me. I've really learnt to take things a step at a time. Never overextend myself, or under utilise myself. I've re-learnt the value of balance. Both excessive happiness and excessive sadness is not good i have to moderate.

I actually like being single. At first it was a daunting task. At first it was impossibly painful. Now i am content. I just miss the sex on occasion. We're not made to be single, but I've found other muses. I've learn to pick up and let go. I can see the necessity of this time alone, clearer than ever before.

Dark and twisty, broken damaged and jaded, still yes. But for the better. I now know i will never love and trust as much again. I will never give in 110% into a relationship again. I know i cannot afford to. The school of hard knocks (not the royal Selangor one) has taught me well. Nobody's worth it. As much as I'd like to believe in romantic love, the beauty of life et cetera, i now know such things are to be admired from afar. Through a bullet proof glass wall. Like the one in prison. I will not die for you. Though sometimes I wish I were young enough to. I never knew the value of my life and mental health until now. For that I am grateful.

Cant wait for F.O.B on sat!

I like Del. Every time i close my eyes (Lies Lies), and when i look at my blog it says for Del, i'm happy i don't know a Del. In my mind shes perfect. Shes funny, flirtatious, shes got a great smile, you know, the kind that you think is special and only for you. And shes beautiful, but what is beauty anyway, she is infinitely beautiful to me and nothing other than that matters. Of course shes smart, and she knows what she wants. She wants expensive things, and she wants a future. She wants to listen to me speak, just so she can change my mind. She seldom does but thats alright she always keeps me in check. If see were around she would have stopped me from losing that 250 at Merv's place, actually she probably wouldn't care. She'd listen to me when i want to talk about stupid things, like love and god and philosophy. She probably wouldn't laugh at all my jokes but would laugh because she appreciates that i try to make her smile. Shes like a warm fire on a cold wet lonely day.

What do you get when you fall in love?

I guess i could go on forever, but ultimately i know i don't have a place for her in my life now. Though i can afford to love someone again, I'm too damaged right now to really enjoy it. So i write this for Del, wherever she may be. The girl that is sheer delight in my eyes. She makes me feel, she makes me smile, she gives me the courage to believe that some things actually do go right. Deliriously happy. I know whats written between these lines. I just hope if i do meet a girl like that... i don't expect anything to last forever, i just hope i wont be alone in the aftermath.

Oh the tears that you weep
For the poor tortured souls
Who fall at your feet
With all their love begging bowls

Jeopardy

This would be the residual emotions i'm left with after the last post. A few things i have to say but no time to say them. Second on my mind is John's leaving and i've barely met up with him. Next is Aff hasn't blogged in a mth poor busy girl. Everybodys gone far far away, and apparently so have i. Far away from the spaces in between, the life that i thought i had, the reality i thought would last forever. Oddly i'll never get over some people telling me the way i feel is bullshit. What an odd time in my life for someone elses opinion of me to actually bug me. By odd, i guess its because theres not many people in my life, and the people in my life dont really have an opinion. The other thing that bugs me is why do some people bother to read this when it relly doesn't mater to them. You'd read if you care, for a candid laugh i feel its just too much trouble to go through reading the long posts i've written. Maybe in some alternate reality you do care, so you cant stop reading the writing of me at what i feel to be the lowesst point of my life. Sammy said something about being in a rut a few months back, i guess thats what it is, feelng so down and almost unable to find the will power to wake up. Like having 3 hours sleep after not sleeping for 3 days, and trying to force yourself to wake up on a cold cold morning. Its always easier to get up and go when you're feeling nicely warm and fuzzy inside. At this point i realise i havent put in a paragraph, the words zOMG learn to paragraph run through my mind and i do want to but i force myself not to. Simply because this is not supposed to be easy to read, because its not easy to write. I care about so little i need to do something about it. I have faith in a few people, a kind of nervous trust, like a surgeon with shaky hands. Hands are for building things with, building. And it does not do, nor does it become me to have shaky hands, a kind of semi-commitment in the things that i do. But i've learnt to fear, and like some kind of insidious illness it tears me up inside. Sometimes i dont feel its effects, sometimes i'm crippled. Things like commitment, friendship, trust and a general love for the people around me used to come so easily. Now its just trying. Thats the other thing that needs to be fixed. This fear, that the next person that i let into my life, that i learn to love and accept, is going to betray me, and all this work that i've done to get my head back in order. I used to answer that question so well. Do you Trust me? I'd say yes, close my eyes and jump off a building. I'd probably even have enjoyed the freefall, i always wanted to fly, now i dont know if i can trust anything with my body to the trechery of freedom. I probably wasn't wise with my restraints, everything blew up, and my world went from brightly neon to monochrome and then over exposed. Sometimes i think i should keep the memories, sometimes they just hurt too much. Old photographs, old messages with meaningless words like i love you, please trust me, dont hurt me, i want to be with you. They tear through my defences, and turn things upside down. Stop thinking about it, dont let it get to you, let it go. And i wonder, how can i let these things go when they're the only part of me i feel that is alive. How can i let it go when they're the only part of me that when i look at it, i feel something. Its not that complicated. It really isn't i just have to find something new, something good enough, without the lingering thought of betrayal on a whim, something that inspires me, so i can let this go, so i can be somebody else, so i can just stop the world from spinning around. Sometimes i feel so fucked in the head. my feelings bounce off the walls, the echoes of old ones meld with the new ones, and after awhile i am completely unaware of what is real and what isn't. Its the lingering anger, biterness and regret that really bites down hard on me. Its been a year, and i still havent forgiven. And this eats up on me on the inside, i'm starting to wonder if i have a soul. Sometimes i feel its dying, and i can become just another body doing, not being. To be or not to be? that is the question. Sometimes i dont know, and when i dont the world goes horribly wrong. Odd conversations go on in my head, the people i have them with sometimes come to mind but usually fade away. Somebody said this and smebody said that, i cant remember the who or the when, just the what. Maybe in an attempt to let go of things, my brain just lets go of random things in an attempt of cheating me. I know what i want, i know what i need, i know what i choose, i know. Its just that the reality and the other thing are completely opposite. I want something i cannot have. I probably am just stuck in a rut, the paradox of emotional entanglement weighing down on my soul. If my heart weighs more than a feather, just feed it to the dogs. Its worth so little to me because its weighing me down now, but its the only thing keeping me alive. For $2000, What is a Rut.

Sway

Stupid is as stupid does. When i ask why silence echos. Melodramatic? I think yes. What gives? Something that gave. Sometimes now i like the silence. Silence in a loud place. In the silence of my mind. 22 and not a day wiser. The things that bothered me last yaer still bother me now. Oh bother, i think, like Winnie with his hand in a honey jar.

Don't stray
Don't ever go away

Could have would have should have. Theres alot of those in the the world. What if there was something better something more something that gave everything and took nothing back. Something infinite, something great something, just something that i can have and never want anything more.

I should be much to smart for this
You know it gets the better
Of me sometimes
When you and I collide

Who, what, where, when, WHY?, how. If ever if only even though. Whats the point. Ugh Writing like this is good for me but no good for you. Because you cant make sense of the fragments like i can. And if you do then maybe you should. I'd like to be special like you, but i'm just a creep.

I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don't let me drown
Let me down

I've been drowing in pictures of you, all of you. The smiles, the times we laughed. We all meant it. The jokes that used to be funny now just sting with a bitter sense of irony. We once belonged to ourselves, now we're all just slaves. There are only two paths for survival or us. The mindless bore of the working class, the one that justifies every action by "We all got bills to pay". I promised once to never join the ranks of the living dead. Sometimes now i dont know. The brain speaks but the heart is unwilling to listen. The brain shows but the heart is unwilling to see. The brain is not acknowledged by the heart. Because once it wanted to take over the world, and now it just wants to cut losses. The heart may be stupid, but its one hell of a stubborn. Personally i like the heart more.

I say its all because of you and here I go
Losing my control
I'm practising your name
So I can say it to your face it doesn't seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth indeed its time

Facets of me, everybody brings out a different one. From the cool and calm, from the knowing, from the (what in gods name have you been smoking) happy, from the calculating, from the i can read you like a book, all the way to the pissed off, angry, hurt, dejected, bitter, and eventually broken. From the spectrum of those that affect me one way, you eventually affect me the other, the more positive, comes the more negative. I guess it works for other people that way too. I guess its true when Joni said, if you care, dont let them know, dont give yourself away.

Tell you why
I say its infinately true
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do

Its infinately true. Isn't it. Somethings you cant deny. How much sense does this make. I dont expect it to make that much, though i dont expect very much anymore. 22 years and not one year wiser, a bigger DND sign on my heart. Just when i think things are getting better reality strikes, and i'm out in the cold. Two fantastic reasons i guess, I should be singing along to muse songs and not caring about what i sing, and well lets just leave it at that.

Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everythings turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart

Cut this post halfway, just got back from shopping and watching Babel. I liked the idea, behind it all. Language is really secondary to communication. The people speaking a different language, the people speaking the same language, the people speaking accross different cultures, the people using technology to communicate, the people using non verbal skills to communicate, the people using political channels to communicate. We rebuilt the tower of Babel using our technology, our globalisation, and at this height of our evolution, we can so easily be destroyed by acts of god, mere million in one chances. We can be sent back to the stone age. A simple earthquake disrupted the internet communications all over the world. I loved how the movie relooked what it means to communicate. How communication today has progressed into something to tedious, so empty. Its a relook on the world, and maybe Michael Moore was wrong, prople do not act purely out of fear as he believes, but this new unnoticed beginning of the end of communication creates a huge amount of space between us all, so much that we hardly understand the drives wants and needs of other human beings. We are overwhelmed with information, and can harldy cope with this information because we cannot sort out what is important and what is simply just entertainment. And society as a whole suffers as a result of that. Because its difficult to understand anybody else, and to be understood, and at the end of it all, human beings are not meant to be solitary, alone and not understood, because we were made and designed that way. Though if you want to say Adam was made special and without a companion at first i'd have to concede that is true. However, from the original sin onwards, both Adam and Eve shared their burdens, and that burden wasn't meant to be borne alone.

And now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten
Every afternoon
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you

Sometimes i wish you didnt leave, because you made the burden of life go away. We're all weak, all needy and wanting more. We want to be loved, we want to love, we want care and attention. People say it like its a bad thing, its not. We live in a world driven by money, trade and exchange. We live on a world that advances on the idea of an economy. We dont have alot of the technology that we've created because its not economically feasiable. We need a war to test out this technology before its avaliable to the masses, think TV, Radio, the Internet. We grow older, we realise we cant achive as much as we wanted, we realise we're not invincible, we realise we gotta pay the bills, and buy a shitload of stuff that would make our lives better. We need a car, even though its so god-dammed expensive in singapore. We need private housing, we need a microwave, washing machine, we need the interent, a cell phone, a new cell phone that nobody else has. We need diamond rings, pearl necklaces, we need all manner of products made from endangered and exotic animals. We want branded bags, clothes to look cool. We need to be fashionable. We need some mass produced thing to make us look unique, we need to get things, that define our identity, we need a cool coffee table book, so when someone walks into our home they can say, hey look this guy's really smart. We need a CD or a DVD collection that shows off who we are.

I know what i need, atleast sometimes i think i do. I need somebody to stand by my dammed side, tell me she loves me no matter what, somebody i can talk to, somebody who can talk to me. Somebody who gets me, who i get, so i can just be me, and she can just be her. Somebody whos my partner in crime in turning our backs to the god dammed world and we dont need to say it coz we both know it, but if we did, it'd be something like FUCK YOU ALL, I DONT NEED YOU TO TELL ME ANYTHING, BECAUSE I'VE GOT ALL THAT I NEED HERE, AND I CANT BE ARSED IF I DIE TOMORROW AND NOBODY IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD GIVES A SHIT IF I'M COOL, OR SMART, OR GOOD ENOUGH TO BE WORTH THEIR WHILE, i'll never join your god dammed working class, and i'll never need another thing to fill up the spaces in my life. And even if the going got tough, it'd be nice to have one hell of a stubborn person by your side, who wont leave you down when you're down on your knees, because she'd be happier dying with you than living without you.

The romantic in me speaks, but i'm growing older, not many people really believe this shit and i cant all the time. Sometimes i do, when i feel really alive, its not just stick it up to the man, fuck the man, its about standing up for yourself, what you believe in. Its about the times you say in the still of your heart, and your brain agrees, I Believe in You.

Its all because of you
Its all because of you

Friendship for sale

Which is the way things are. Friends without obligations, people without bodies, pictures that don’t mean anything, speak the thousand words that mean just as much as the pictures do. It’s not about how little you can give Versus how much you have given. Its the courtesy involved to give a straight answer. At this point i will throw my hands in the air and say I’ve had it.

Its not like I forced you, its not like I bugged you, its not like I put a gun to your head, or said don’t call me anymore if you can’t do this for me. You choose, you can’t stick to your choices, and you don’t even bother answering up for it. That’s just what it is.

Since when did calling back become such a glorified thing? Is it asking too much, like Jesus to wink as me, or some kind of miraculous thing, like getting a call back from some hot shot Hollywood producer. As frustrating as it, maybe it’s not all just them. The problem partly lies with me. Maybe not all the people who I choose to let into my heart and life are my friends. I've occasionally been accused of being too naive, coming from someone who does call back, I’d have to accept its weight and truth. I probably should learn to expect less from people, less than a simple message saying sorry, I couldn't make it, less than words like I don’t feel like talking about this, less than a simple hello how are you feeling, less than somebody actually listening (though sometimes I don’t want to talk about it, and thanks for not forcing me), less than the smallest bit of care and concern.

What is this Modern love? This friendship? A mass of acquaintances, of people you barely know, whose lives barely affect you, who’s death, is just another occasion to attend. Whose effect on your life is just another picture in a list of 500. Which part of you is human as opposed to alienated? Which part of you is the best part of you as opposed to the most basic of your survival instincts? Which part of you makes you proud as opposed to verging on puffery? Which part of you wants more instead of less, which aspires and dares to hope for a better society of mutual growth, as opposed to a world where every man woman and child has to fend for themselves.

Maybe I’m idealistic, but it’s sad how the best part of us is also the worst. Where once we imagined, conceptualised, and created a better world, where we can ALL get what we need, we now have a world that sees more as better, it is not just about sufficiency that we are content with, but gross gluttonous excess. Like the guy in 7. Death from gluttony, over low nutrition food. Society is like a buffet of many flavoured candies, colourful, sweet, but sorely lacking in substance.

I could go on and on, about how you're told what to like and dislike when essentially everything offered to us is similar. But I have to say, which one of you really cares about what I say? Do you think I’m pissed off with you? If you do I’m not. If you don’t care and think you've lots of friends, you probably have lots of acquaintances and can’t tell the difference between somebody who accepts you because you have something they want, or they just give a shit because they choose to (this statement is a fine line that judges how jaded you are). If you don’t care, and you think I’m full of shit or full of myself, then aren’t you as well, for being unwilling to accept the opinions of another. It is possible that you could see this as me being frustrated with the way life works. [Instead of venting frustrations on some specific (if you know me) non-specific (if you don't) people in my life (at this point you should ask yourself which category you're in and for those people who think know me I’d say most of them don’t really either because I don’t let you, or that you're not ready to.)] And ask yourself in this fast food, fast love, fast money, fast car, fast everything world, if its really that screwed up, and should people really give more of a crap about everybody else.

I'm writing this down because it’s not that obvious to me. I am a city boy after all; relationships and people come and go. And the thought of forever I’ve realised doesn't last longer than the next sunrise. I'm not bitter, I’m not angry; I’m just trying to understand the truth of things.

I'd like to go far far away, this place is killing me. I think friendship begins when you realise that there’s so much more to a person you'll never understand, but you choose to be there, offer your support, and pick them up when they are down just because they represent the most human, compassionate, sympathetic side of you. Because you are what you hate, and for me, I’ve found something in me left to fight becoming what I’d hate the most in the world. Losing the ability to communicate with another human being.

Communication is a 2-way process, one way is through talking, the other way is through letting someone through to You. I said this today in some stroke of cleverness, you can’t read a book that doesn't read you.