Saturday Train

I want to be young again, I want that youthful folly that ability to make mistakes after mistakes and not care. I want to be invincible. I want to find the courage again to love until it hurts once again, to care without restraint to give without fear of ever being empty. Just one more time, the right person, the right soft cooing words, the clear blue flame that burns sharp within, just one more time.

Is it still on your mind?
Of course, it won’t let go
You could be doing the right thing
Maybe he doesn’t want to know

Its always on my mind, every action, every reaction, begs the question, am i doing the right thing. Am i being fair, am i being selfless. In the end, the only question left is am i being fair to myself, am i doing the right thing. Mostly the questions and doubt dont go away for a long time.

But, you have done wrong
And you want to make right
You can easily see
There will be a fight

Its never easy admitting how wrong we can be. How sometimes our best intentions always end up in disaster. When we try to make things right, sometimes they're just so heavy with all the old stuff that we dont even know where to start things fixing. Mostly, we just care too much, then we start fighting. To be angry, to pretend we dont care in the wise words of Joni Mitchell, "if you care, don't let them know, dont give yourself away".

So, you take him on the Saturday train
Just as it is starting to rain
And you tell it all
You feel so small
Then you’re done

Of all the ways to be intimate with somebody, nothing beats a long ride, a long walk, a long cruise to nowhere. Intimacy is not being close with someone. Its those brief moments in between when you stop talking and enjoy the presence of someone that simply completes you. Its those moments that are better than sex, or any other kind of high in the world.

Take that moment before you climax, when you feel the warm press of another body against yours. When you hold another tighter, closer, and the world, the things, the other people, everything on your mind just disappears. Yes, its still on my mind, like a phantom part of my body, that vaguely responds to intimacy.

What you’re thinking about
Is all he needs to know
You’ve made up your reasons
You hope maybe it doesn’t show

The thing about reasons is that they're 99% crap and 1% what you want to believe. Mostly all the reasons in the world dont really make any sense. Most people now, are being kept at bay, kept far far away. From my heart, form that place where they can ge to me. Mostly, i've been afraid to get too close, to get hurt. To avoid that numb feeling, staring into space, of being unable to focus your body, or your thoughts, your mind and your being, i do that thing, feign a callous indifference.

But, you have done wrong
And you want to make right
There are things on your mind
That can’t be undone

Sometimes i dont know what good it does, probably more harm than good. Of all the things that have been done, mostly they've been done wrongly, honnesty in the wrong places, lies in the wrong places, how much of it can be undone, how much of that can be taken away?

Its like saying lets start again, lets be perfect strangers, i'll pretend you dont know me, and you pretend i dont know you. We'll make up, make out, try to be young again, like we were before we got so jaded, realistic, and generally too torn up inside to laugh and joke with one another. We'll share a joke, we'll be kind and patient with one another, we'll put aside the who owes who what and try to forget those things that cant be undone.

So, you take him on the Saturday train
Just as it is starting to rain
And you tell it all
You feel so small
Then you’re done

Maybe one day i can sit down and tell you the truth. I can sit down and tell you all those things i've never told you, how things really happened with me, how messed up, how confusing, how difficult everything became. Maybe one day i can trust you to care enough, to listen, to all the more painful things. Maybe one day it'll be relevant, because there is a reason to work things out. If that day ever comes though, i doubt i'd actually say anything. If you just cared enough to listen, and not get into a fight, an argument, a disagreement, and not be disappointed with me, then... that whole conversation becomes irrelevant.

You can always change your heart, girl
You can never change your past
Will it stay inside your heart, girl?
Will it ever let you go?
Will it ever let you go?

When you really think about it, everything thats gone on. How things were once so perfect. When you really think about it, how we promised to be friends, and we, or atleast me, cant even manage that. When you really think about it, how stupid everything turned out, the drama, the needless hurt flung around. When you really really remember, why you care, why i'm writing this blog, just why. Does it grip you in your heart like it wont let you go?

When i'm not numb, i think, Its such a shame. And those four words make me sadder than alot in this world. When i eat butter-menthol, and whenever i get to the honey center, i stop being numb and indifferent. I always love those moments when it starts to rain, sometimes its a nice drizzle, cool and refreshing. Sometimes, it just suddenly pours, drenching you, it feels great to just walk like the whole world is your shower. Its not just the sunshine and the rainbows after,
its about getting soaked, playing in puddles, not giving a damm that you dont have an umbrella or a raincoat, not giving a damm if your handphone is going to be spoilt, not giving a damm if you're laughing or crying, because its raining so heavily nobody really cares. Its about being a child again.