I should have, but i didnt. So i'm fucked.

Its better when i dont realise how much i've changed. When i dont see that glimmer of me in the past. When i give up all hope to the point of forgetting the meaning of hope. When i feel indifferent to all the dead i feel inside. I hate feeling happy. I hate the hormones. I hate it so much when i find something in me that gives me a reason to hope that i will feel tomorrow like i felt all those years ago. I hate you all trying to cure me and make me feel better. I hate your patronage and your holier than thou "get over it", "snap out of its" etc. I hate. I think that is the last emotion i am capable of before a timely demise. I hate how demise so closely resembles another word. I hate that i'm not able to shut the fuck up and die quietly. I hate the slurring pleas, the pathetic wanting something i cant have. I hate your ampathy. I cant do this, not right now. I dont ever want to be happy. I dont want to have a soul. I dont want to understand the normal human standards of care and concern. I want to be perpetually dead and incapable of care. I want to listen to sad songs and not feel anything. I want to want these things that i am going to have. And i want to hate all these things that i love the most. There is nothing in this world for me. And all this doing is because of nothing. This trail of ugly that follows behind me has to stop.