I'm Trying

Enough fire and brimstone, the world employs christians for that. So much has happened this week. And between John and Kelvin, i am left with nothing.

All i know is hatred anger and biterness does not work, because i cant hold the feeling long enough. I do remember doing that once though, and i could not shake the feelings of anger and bitterness. Gone, i hope are the days of throwing chairs at random strangers.

I'm in a bit of a deep shit situation, because there is no real way out of it. I am who i am right, and i have to accept that i am not god, and i have absolutely no control over my enviroment. I'm sure a dear many people would cringe at that, perfectionists, and fellow control freaks alike. With a kind of manicial laughter i have to say just because you try does not mean you succeed, and just because you dont try does not mean you will fail.

Look at my PSLE, did not try, did fucking well, And my O's I tired, at the last minute, scraped by. Poly, Tried like mad, god it was a disaster. And then of course my love life, tried like a bitch, tried beyond what i thought i was capabe of, ended up hurting beyond what i though i was capable of as well. Good god.

What do you get when you try and succeed? I'd have to say you get a false sense acomplishment. Bravo, but it would have happened anyway. I'm tired and sick of trying, its trying enough trying to be me. I need to write a post on hot fuss soon, gotta get in the right frame of mind, and lash out with words.

Hotfuss in my opinion was beautiful, the saddest lyrics hidden under some groovy beats.

Enough fire and brimstone! Love is beautiful though it hurts. And we all know, especially those that went throught a phrase in 80's rock, love hurts.

I've been thinking about what to blog about next, why not growing up. Not in the sense of learning to be an adult, but rather what it means to be a child. I'm high, which si quite usual so indulge me. If my posts have been a bit more rapid since my previous block of not writing forgive me, i have a great emptiness about me with a lot of things to say and no one to say them to.

Lets start off with some things that i'd like to say to my dear and dearest of readers. Firstly if you're hoping to see some of my poetry it wont appear for a very long time because i hate writing poetry, i've written too much melodramatic stuff that sets my skin crawling.

Also i write fro an audience so please post comment and tell me what you think of my writing, i'd like to improve.

Finally i'm listening to Neon Nothingness, an album that tears me up to the soul, and makes me feel like jumping off a building because its just too tragic, i'd like an escape kelly's playign now so i'd say drugs are not my thing, however in BMT i might try that bitter-sweet cough syrup.

Bitter Sweet, Ah! The taste of life.

I had a conversation today with Jiaman today what smiles it brought to my eyes, if you havent noticed, people smile with their eyes when they mean it, You'd think its showing the pearly whites, however, you're mistaken. Thats for people who are hungry and want to eat you up, the eyes are so much more, expressive and what else.

We talked about many things hopes, well not that many, she has a boyfriend now and time would not allow us to talk of many things like i'd hope. However we did talk somewhat.

She said she used to like me. Haha what a smile that brings. Shes right though, everyone used to like me.i used to be the baby everyone doted over loved so much, i used to be good, and kind. I'd fall asleep and not give any of the usual problems babys do.

I'd give my last 5 dollars to buy tau hui, for popo Nancy, god keep her safer than he's kept me, and godma and her family, i used to be the favourite. Maybe i still am but i highly doubt it. 205 saw to that.

We talked about our hopes and fears, dreams and a lost childhoold we shared together. At this point i'm sorry to say i feel like mojo jojo. The monkey who has a compulsion to reiterate everything he says.

I'm also afraid that any witticisms that i might have had are somewhat gone due to my inebriated state, apparently somewhere in amish country.

Adore

Adore is my favourite Pumpkins Album.

It is also one of the saddest albums i've ever heard. And it really takes me back into the past, Not the distant past like nimrod, singing "i fucked up again its all my fault" in the back seat of a police car.

Sizzle my nizzle as i go back in time.

I remember being just 16 a pick-up truck out of money out of luck. Well there was no pick up truck because i cant sing like Bruce. But i did love being 16. The world was mine no matter what happened i knew i was king. I'd broken up but i was dancing. Because the world was playing a tune just for me. The sunrise was even more beautiful than today. A pink promise of another adventure over the horizon.

We still used IRC, and met random people online. At this time i was introduced to the plethora of answers, I want to be a Dee Jay, I want to be a Journalist, and i want to be a news Anchor. What did i want to be? I wanted to be a photographer, go to a war zone and take photos, i wanted to see the world and show the world itself. I wanted to go to europe and see Iron Maiden live before that bunch of old farts played their Last Gig in the Sky.

I met a girl i liked, and she introduced me to The Smashing Pumpkins, she studied Mass Communications in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. We had a thing going i fooled around, and she hated me. Well i cant blame her, I just didnt know how important i was to her. That was the first timeI heard For Martha.

If you have to go don’t say goodbye
If you have to go don’t you cry
If you have to go I will get by
Someday I’ll follow you and see you on the other side

It was extremely tragic. Like a plot from The Bold and the Beautiful, a soap opera apparently about a fit chick with a Shaven Haven. However the Fit Chick with the Shaven Haven only came much later in life, sorry pun not intended. However that last girl was not for me. She had low self esteem, and could not love herself and in turn let me love her.

Drinking mercury
To the mystery of all that you should ever seek to find
Lovely girl you're the murder in my world
Dressing coffins for the souls I've left behind
In time
We must never be apart

I was always looking for love. Someone who brought out the better in me. Someone who brought out the better in the world, Someone worth hurting for, crying for and dying for. Someone worth bleeding my heart dry over, knowing that at the end of it all there would be nothing left, and the world would be so pale and colourless, even the sunrise, a testament to gods creation Pure beauty, the most magnificent show of light and colour would fail to impress me.

I wanted something beautiful, absolutely, positively, stunningly, painfully beautiful.

In a sense i martyred myself to the idea of love. Not to be in love, i just wanted to believe that there was such a thing as the All encompassing Agape love that christians so easily preach.

And god in all his infinite wisdom smote me with a girl, innocent, at least my by standards, and beautiful and wonderful to love. Poor girl, will never realise how much i did love her. Though she feels i might be pond scum now, and hopelessly unworthy to infect the soles of her shoes (which i still mantain are slippers).

In the beginning, there was light, there was music and Cherubs, a kind of non commercialised Valentines day. For the first time, i've learnt to love, i've learnt what it really means to give my heart up, i understood the beauty of surrender, of trust and a haven to retreat to. She was blissfully happy and so was I.

Come and kiss me sweetly
Ride the telephone
Drag the miles to me
I am yours alone
Yours alone
On the telephone
Yours alone
Looking for a kiss kiss
Yours alone

I wanted that forever.

I was working as a Chef (what she strongly insisted was a cook), She was another Commie, trying to fathom the emotional mindfuck of the Desmond Kon (if you have searched for Desmond Kon and came here i highly doubt you would find anything more about him but you're welcome to continue reading if you will, or you could click the link).

On a side note, I remember the other girl was Doing her Bauhaus project armed with nothing but a bottle of Absolut Vodka, to keep creative juices flowing, disputedly these juices were mostly of the orange flavour.

I readDavid Eddings, she read Harry Potter, I was into Astronomy and philosophy, she was into Metaphysics, we both liked to cook, and didnt like to clean. All in all it was a wonderful magical beginning, with a faint ringing of bells and the words "Once Upon a Time".

The Redemption of Althalus might still be on the shelf on top of her desk, the one with the second drawer where she kept the... Maybe i should leave that for later.

Love is good and love is kind
Love is good and love is blind
Love is good and love is mine

Love is good all the time

Eventually i became a Commie as well, the only red i saw was from the blood, that came from doing work. There was no sweat, because we did not exercise, and there were no tears because i had a princess who loved me.

I was actually quite frusturated by the new concept of doing work, and honnestly i'd like to think i'm through with such an unwholesome idea, however the world and my parents have other plans in store for me.

She helped me through it, we met every break we could, and we'd be in each others arms every chance we got. Young Men and Women alike take heed, love at this point might seem like a great and wonderful thing, however at the age of hormones running amuck, such extravagant pleasures have a tendancy to retard the brain, due to there being only enough blood to run one organ at a time. And in love the heart overtakes the brain.

All you have to do is run away
And steal yourself from me
Become a mystery to gaze into
You're so cruel in all you do
But still I believe, I believe in you

So may you come with your own knives
You'll never take me alive
With all the force of what is true
Is there nothing I can do?

There is nothing wrong with being retarded might i add, because there are alot of retarded people in the world, the problem with love is, you've got to make sure the person you love is more retarded than you, or you run the risk of permenant heart trauma. And if you've seen an episode of E.R, you would realise you need a triple Cardiac by-pass, A.K.A Lots of booz'n and snooz'n.

Finally we made love, which seemed like a good idea at that time, however we were both virgins and when it came down to it neither of us had any idea at what to do during that time. It was all very magical the first time though. It had a definate sense of spirittual togetherness going with it. Which explains why the Pope was so nonchalant with his priests.

Tear me apart
Tear me apart from you
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart run to?

Lust is even worse that love, it induces the use of yet another organ. And honnestly three is too much for all the blood in one body to handle. The nature of this organ i hardly have to mention, for we are all fond of the rather electric feelings we get from it.

And when everything reaches an orgasm, it must all slowly come down. And this is where things start falling apart. Because we forgot to grow, we forgot why we were in love, we forgot to make each other happy, we forgot why we made each other happy. Because we grew up, on our own and away from each other, we did not share our joys or our sadnesses, and we ran out of reasons.

Who am I to need you now
To ask you why to tell you no
To deserve your love and sympathy
You were never meant to belong to me

And I couldn't love her anymore, because she's not there anymore, because in a sense she grew up and i wasn't there watching and nuturing and loving every step of the way. I am a sad peter pan, only a legend, some might even say legendary.

And the winding vines
The pretty boys dive
And thru the pinhole stars
Into the shadow mind
You will lose him then
On some gentle dawn

This boy is here and gone

So this ends, another sentimental argument, and bitter love, fucked without a kiss again and dragged it through the mud. I wish i wasn't a child any more, but its just too much a part of me. I'd rather not have the idealism, which Michael Caine's Character in quills defines as "Youth's final Luxury". I'd rather not hope for a better tomorrow or someone who will at long last love my aching heart, i'd rather not have that wide eyed innocent deer-eyed trust, that just because i love someone they would not hurt me, i'd rather not have this Hemophilia in my heart.

I am what I am, I think therefore I am, and at the end of it all, all men must die. I may not love her anymore, but nothing can take away the love i one had for that dear girl. It's also been said that it's better to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all.

Problem is you never realise how much you love until you've lost, really lost everything. And those cold cold nights come to you, and as you turn to wake from a nightmare. Or when you strike the lottery, you've got a million dollars to spend and noone to spend it on, and nothing you want that money can buy. Then you know how much you've lost, how empty you are, why all men must die, and that Monty Python might be sightly wrong about the meaning to life.

And as i arrive at the end of the album for the god knows how many th time, we all start with a blank page, and its a joy to keep writing, making new memories and loving. With only faint impressions on the last page that you wrote.

blank page is all the rage
never meant to say anything
in bed I was half dead
tired of dreaming of rest
got dressed drove the state line
looking for you at the five and dime
stop sign told me stay at home
told me you were not alone
balnk page was all the rage
never meant to hurt anyone
in bed I was half dead
tired of dreaming of rest
you haven't changed
you're still the same
may you rise as you fall
you were easy you are forgotten
you are the ways of my mistakes
I catch the rainfall
through the leaking roof
that you had left behind
you remind me
of that leak in my soul
the rain falls
my friends call
leaking rain on the phone

take a day palnt some trees
may they shade you from me
may your children play beneath

blank page was all the rage
never meant to say anything
in bed I was half dead
tired of dreaming of rest
got dressed drove the state line
looking for you at the five and dime
but there I was picking pieces up
you are a ghost
of my indecision
no more little girl 

Pissin The night away!

There have been many explanations why people drink. There are 2 explanations i would like to bring to the foreground. First would be one from The Little Prince, a favourite book of people who do not wish to grow up and be jaded.

The next planet was inhabited by a tippler. This was a very short visit, but it plunged the little prince into deep dejection.

"What are you doing there?" he said to the tippler, whom he found settled down in silence before a collection of empty bottles and also a collection of full bottles.

"I am drinking," replied the tippler, with a lugubrious air.

"Why are you drinking?" demanded the little prince.

"So that I may forget," replied the tippler.

"Forget what?" inquired the little prince, who already was sorry for him.

"Forget that I am ashamed," the tippler confessed, hanging his head.

"Ashamed of what?" insisted the little prince, who wanted to help him.

"Ashamed of drinking!" The tipler brought his speech to an end, and shut himself up in an impregnable silence.

And the little prince went away, puzzled.

"The grown-ups are certainly very, very odd," he said to himself, as he continued on his journey.

Apparently we drink to forget. And anyone successful at the task would have probably forgotten what we wanted to forget. Anyone with enough of a budget would continue anyway.

Truthfully i do not see the point of the quote above. Most people who do not attempt to drink as much as i do might never understand. One of the best reasons for indulging into an alcoholic frenzy i've found comes from The Legend of Bagger Vance, staring Will Smith and Matt Damon.

It goes like this:

              Now the question on the table...
           ...is how drunk is drunk enough?
           And the answer is, it's all a matter of brain cells.
           Brain cells?
           That's right. Every drink of liquor you take kills brain cells.
           But that don't matter, we got billions more.
           First the sadness cells die, so you smile real big.
           Then the quiet cells go, so you talk real loud for no reason at all.
           That's okay, because the stupid cells go next...
           ...so everything you say is real smart.
           And finally...
           ...come the memory cells.
           These are tough sons of bitches to kill.

And indeed those memory cells are some tough sons of a bitches to kill. Especially the good ones. The beautiful ones. The ones that make you smile for no reason, and then when you realise you have no reason to smile the world falls apart around you. Because, just because...

Cheers, Joy, Pura Vida, A votre sante, and of course Salud!

The Strings That Tie to You

What do i want? One of those questions that have not much meaning. I want a million dollars I want a car, I want to drink alot of booze, I want mostly to be happy. Thats the point that most people arrive at. I want to be happy.

Everybody knows somewhere that thats what they want. But What makes you happy. What makes you free and flutter and feel like a new person. Everybody wants to be in love. Isint that the only experience that gives us joy. Maybe i make a sweeping statement, for some people it really is clothes shoes bags looking good being fit. For some people the other person does not matter at all.

I shall confide that to me how you treat the other person is a reflection of how you treat yourself. Because there are things i would never do to myself. And so i will never do it to another person. Morality, the downfall of civilizations. Ahh more sweeping statements. Well forgive me because they are fun to make.

Its so easy to think that the entire world understands and enjoys those fundemental things that you hold to be true. What a shame. truth is only thing thats true is what you believe to be true. Nothing is objectively true or false. Even a fact is understood as something that happens 99.999% of the time because nothing is a 100% and nothing is absolute except vodka. Hail mother russia.

I want to be in love and fly again and i wish i wouldn't plunge again. Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky anyway. Sigh i rememeber having a point to all this. Something hopeful in the dreary weather when i'm feeling sick like a dog, all i reminded myself was how broken i feel and now i cant remember how to smile again... Back to desolation row.

I wish i was a school boy again causing mischief and breaking young girls hearts. Khrama police arrest this man.

Bold as Love

Emotions are linked to colours, and music creates emotion. So baiscally everything around us affects, from the colour of the room to the sound of bird cries early in the morning.

So thats leaves us in a perciular position, where does the emotions end and the us begin? Are we just acting and reacting to everything that surrounds us? Sometimes i wish things could be simple. If i didnt feel the highs i wouldn't feel the lows, and i can just be me.

Unfortunately i live for the highs and lows, to me its what it means to be human. So i can never be just me, although there is a certian constant about me. That i am too hopeful and loyal, and too unwilling to hurl hurt.

The forecast for the future would be getting my head smashed in the next time i feel bold enough to love. But why live if theres nothing beyond the next hill, even if its getting your head smashed in?

A new beginning

I guess everybody owes themselves a enw beginning once in awhile. A new year and 21 in less than 2 months. The world changes and everything in it.

I havent blogged in awhile havent had the mood to write. Actually i did but its unpublished. 2005 went out with a bang and a ton of lack of bang as well. Very Yin Yang.

Some poeple think theres something wrong with me but i'd like to assure the world that theres nothing wrong at all. Of course the world replies with a knowing mocking silence, as if anyone really cares.

So welcome to a jaded cynical life.

My forecast for the year i think it will be carppier than the last. Hope is after all a dangerous thing. Because down this path only saddness you will find. HmmMMmmMmMm?

I plan to keep blogging there wasn't a need for it before but i've found one now.

Well a new year again and a time to grow. One life and i intend to live it.

So whoever reads this blog and people who have scolded me for not updating i intend to update from now on. And i will fix it up from this crappy design as soon as i can or have the time and inspiration to.