Tired
I've been meaning to write something down lately but I just dont seem to have the time. Before I could, it came and went without me noticing. Theres nothing to do but take down what I can still remember.
It's barely what I expected it to be. I should be feeling happier than this. I should be much more than this. Everything, every journey started out with the promise of a fine destination. Started out with the promise of something worth while, something that would lead me by the wrist to some greater purpose.
Somehow all I find myself is more battered and bruised than before. Colder, certianly. Harder, definately. Stronger on the other hand is something I find harder and harder to define. It doesnt really get any easier. It doesn't really get any less painful. Its mostly just some great pretending. Actors, players on a stage.
Two Years. A life wasted, a life time with nothing to show for. And I stagnate. I should be happier because my time in the army is coming to an end. I should be happy because things come easy for me. I should be, but this is not enough. For me at least.
Most people would be satisfied I guess. At last I'm looking farther. It's no consolation however that the future seems more bleak. There is a duty and I will do it. The rest is the choice I have in my life. I never would have guessed that things could turn out this way. Now more than ever I am ready to turn my back and walk away. From those I used to love. From those I used to believe in. There is a sentimentality about this. Worn lead leaden feet walking away from a past to difficult to face or bear. It seems like the most common sensical thing to do. However if it were not difficult, and if it didnt hurt so much. It probably never meant anything to me. Looking into my own eyes i know. It was, it did, and it does. In its entirety.
Three years and another three more. Time heals all wounds. It seems impossible now, but with enough time, the pain will be bearable. It doesnt really matter what i'm trying to say.
The end of my service is not a burden lifted off me. It resonates the lack of presence of poeple I wish I could be surrounded with. The love from someone trusted. The joy of someone who is not mocking. The events that should make me happy do not. Simply because the ones who I would share my joy with are no where to be found. It makes me sadder still, because I think of them and realise they are no more around.
There is no Dignity in a Dying soul.
It's barely what I expected it to be. I should be feeling happier than this. I should be much more than this. Everything, every journey started out with the promise of a fine destination. Started out with the promise of something worth while, something that would lead me by the wrist to some greater purpose.
Somehow all I find myself is more battered and bruised than before. Colder, certianly. Harder, definately. Stronger on the other hand is something I find harder and harder to define. It doesnt really get any easier. It doesn't really get any less painful. Its mostly just some great pretending. Actors, players on a stage.
Two Years. A life wasted, a life time with nothing to show for. And I stagnate. I should be happier because my time in the army is coming to an end. I should be happy because things come easy for me. I should be, but this is not enough. For me at least.
Most people would be satisfied I guess. At last I'm looking farther. It's no consolation however that the future seems more bleak. There is a duty and I will do it. The rest is the choice I have in my life. I never would have guessed that things could turn out this way. Now more than ever I am ready to turn my back and walk away. From those I used to love. From those I used to believe in. There is a sentimentality about this. Worn lead leaden feet walking away from a past to difficult to face or bear. It seems like the most common sensical thing to do. However if it were not difficult, and if it didnt hurt so much. It probably never meant anything to me. Looking into my own eyes i know. It was, it did, and it does. In its entirety.
Three years and another three more. Time heals all wounds. It seems impossible now, but with enough time, the pain will be bearable. It doesnt really matter what i'm trying to say.
The end of my service is not a burden lifted off me. It resonates the lack of presence of poeple I wish I could be surrounded with. The love from someone trusted. The joy of someone who is not mocking. The events that should make me happy do not. Simply because the ones who I would share my joy with are no where to be found. It makes me sadder still, because I think of them and realise they are no more around.
There is no Dignity in a Dying soul.
Labels: a tear in the page
posted by Seython at 11:30 pm
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