Fixing games & Daisy chains

Life requires balance, whether we live in extremes or not. You get fucked then you get happy, then you get fucked again, you feel like suicide then you feel like you're on top of the world. This Emotional rollercoaster is how life mantains its balance. Maybe whether you end up in heaven or hell depends on where ur rollercoaster ride ends. On and extreme high or an extreme low, Hence suicide = hell. if ur in the middle reincarnate and relac sua.

Be good and kind, even if your baby shot you down. Even when i hit the ground, i loved her. But whatever it is, i've had enough. i've danced the rain dance, played the fixing game, and i'm ready. With my 4 thorns of possible entanglement, i'm ready. Let the tigers come and let them try to tear apart. I dont care.

You're the silly reasons in a goldfish laugh.

Emotionally Yours

Come baby, find me, come baby, remind me of where I once begun.
Come baby, show me, show me you know me, tell me you're the one.
I could be learning, you could be yearning to see behind closed doors.
But I will always be emotionally yours.

Come baby, rock me, come baby, lock me into the shadows of your heart.
Come baby, teach me, come baby, reach me, let the music start.
I could be dreaming but I keep believing you're the one I'm livin' for.
And I will always be emotionally yours.

It's like my whole life never happened,
When I see you, it's as if I never had a thought.
I know this dream, it might be crazy,
But it's the only one I've got.

Come baby, shake me, come baby, take me, I would be satisfied.
Come baby, hold me, come baby, help me, my arms are open wide.
I could be unraveling wherever I'm traveling, even to foreign shores.
But I will always be emotionally yours.

I'm a fool.

Empire Burlesque

I want to write write write. Write everything out stop thinking. Just write then when its all done forget mourn and forget. I think today is a dylan day. Love Dylan. The man is a masterful poet. Though he cant really sing.

Life is a travesty of itself.

Its sooo funny, and full of shit. Haha.

You know what ruined life, ART ruined life. What is art, art is fuck. Everything has gone to fuck, hence art. There is no more life, just something that imitates art. Chicken and egg chicken and egg. Who what where why how the fuck should i know. Actually i dont even care. Emotional baggage, i feel like rincewind and his magic suit case that has 1000 legs and follows him everywhere. Give the man some peace. Bloody sembiant wood.

Yes Art ruined life, hence there are 2 lives to every person. The one we want to, should, could live, and the one we do. Want to be more want to be better. Life is a fucking charade, we just guess what other people are, when they think we're right they give us a fucking pat on the back.

When we guess wrong its first runner up. Whatever. Problem with this system is that the person who we're trying to guess doesn't even know what he is. Fucking identity crisis. Bullshit. You know that circle of life Elton John shit, its just a carousel. Its not some great Lion King gigantic humongous circle like BIG like SUN, its just a kiddy ride.

Today is a good day to rant and rave and pave the sidewalk with my teeth. TEETH ON THE FUCKING CURB! Ouch! I want to be. Oh and I love the sound of you walking away for this emotionally unstable raving lunatic. Today is definately not a run on the mill normal day. I ahve a very small capicity for supreassing how i feel.

Build me up and tear me down goddammit now i know what chucky was about. A fucking ragdoll that got chucked too much and came back with a vengence. Of course his final vengence was the last sequal. Bride of chucky. VIOLENCE IS NOT BAD ITS VIOLINS. That is a scriptwriter that had too much. He fucking slaughtered a horror classic (oxymoron). Ok maybe not oxymoron if you consider Hitchcock's stuff. Back to dylan.

Actually i've got nothing more to say. oh wait i do. Like Dylan in the movies. Belle and sebastian. Dont look back. I need to learn how to do that cool country western walk away dont look back, take my leather jacket and swing it over my shoulder light a cigerette, and walk. Fuck a duck i know why i dont fit in. but i'm not telling you until its fixed.

REPRESSED ANGER MY ASS. Saint fucking anger can suck my balls, and i still think this is crap. Why do you build me up baby only to tear me down. chop my legs so i cant run, and now i cant stand. There is something wrong with the 2006 errection.

Serious Hilarious

Denial is so important. Everybody loves to say deal with it, get it over and done with don't think about it. Well fuck that shit. If i could i wont be feeling like this. Deal with it, the three most ambigious words out there. What the fuck does deal mean, what the hell is it? Thats the damm problem with deal with it. When you dont know what the problem is how the hell are you suppused to deal with it. What a load of utter crap. Denial is better, dont know what the problem is. tell yourself i dont have a problem, pretend it doesn't exist, ignore, and wait for it to bite you in the ass.

Today is a great day. Its almost laughable, on top of the normal shit i am trying to ignore i get new shit i need to ignore. Fan-Fucking-Tastic. Now i've got a face to put to the name. Fuck this. These people do not exist in my life. What the hell am i going to do. I waited 8 Fucking years, WHY THE FUCK IS IT WHEN I WANT TO GIVE UP shit like this happens. Why in gods name did you have to remember what i look like. Stop crying; get a gun, is really nice very nicely phrased your words are inspiring sarah. Just blow off my god damm head. Atleset one of my heads gets blows.

Fuck this i dont want to deal with this i dont want to care. Easier said than done, some people can just pop into your life at any time and open up everything and fuck you like a duck, until you're a fucking quack. If i could dont care i would dont care, fuck this ranting just hand me a gun.

Funnily i know what the problem is. I just dont know what to do with it. Its a fucking paradox. I want to be happy so i need to solve this problem. The problem is i'm terrified of being happy, because when you come, when you make me smile, and when you leave and when i call and you dont pick up your calls, when i'm so fucking tired cold and alone, when i see my head being rolled over by a car squashed like a watermelon, when i feel my heart twist and ache so fucking badly i want nothing more than to take a knife stab and twist, and you're not there to tell me things will be alright, and you're not there to take my heart in your hand and keep it safe from my temporary insanity and self destructive nature.

fuck it.

i thought i was fixing i thought i was almost fixed. if the seams come apart so easily i just didnt do a very good job. There are some people who can rip it apart with their little finger. Whats the fucking point. If you who i ran into at PS today reads this blog, dont think i wasn't happy to see you. I was. But i know ur not going to stay. I'm never going to let go i really wanted to punch him, but you gave me that look, haha fucking hilarious day. I should have stayed in bed, should not have been tempted by a japanese lunch. I should have stayed in bed last night as well in stead of fucking drinking reannuals, last nights high was for today's fuckfest.

FuckfUckfuCkfucKFuckfUckfuCkfucKFuckfUckfuCkfucKFuckfUckfuCkfucKFuckfUckfuCkfucKFuck

Fuck care. I need to change my nature. If somebodys online today i need somebody to talk to. Phone is good. Life is bullshit, jesus loves you god hates you, the holy ghost is kinda nice and holy. Today was a funny day

Needs and Wants

I want good dialogue. I want to sleep a whole night through. I want to update my music taste. I want to do photography, and spend hours in the dark room. I want everything. I want to move out in 4-6 years time. I want to see myself for what i am. I want to be colder. I want a reason not to want to be colder. I want the ability to keep everything in. I want to read all broken up and dancing, a feast for crows, unbearable lightness of being and the book of laughter and forgetting. I want the next season of Greys Anatomy to come out soon. I want to smile and laugh and feel light in the heart. I want to fly. I want to lose control. I want to listen to seranna. I want something else.

I need nothing. Not even the air i breathe. Everything is inconsequential. There is no logic. There is just me.

where pleasure moments hung before

Wow. i'm completely blown away with Hide and seek by Imogen Heap. Maybe i havent ehard alot but i've never heard anything like this. Its on repeat like any song that i become attached to. And it tears me up like any song that i've become attached to.

Today i went shopping. I hate shopping because i dont like the idea of dressing up all the time pretending to be somebody that i'm not. Every article of clothing makes someone think and look at you in a different way. You buy your clothes so you can stand out and look unqiue. For gods sake. You wear the clothes not the other way around. I refuse to be normal. I refuse anything i dont like. I'd give it a chance or put up with it, but it'd never become a part of me

ok got distracted with my new msn pic. What i wanted to say was i think music listens to you not the other way around. You like some songs because they sing all those things to you that you've always wanted to confide, but never did. And in a sense its like the reassuring voice of someone telling you i'm listening, i know how you feel, both you and i understand.

I Am

I will be whole again. I will not lose this resolve to be whole. I will fix myself up as best as I can. Even if it means tearing myself apart and manually making my heart beat. I will do whatever is necessary. I will walk until my legs have been ground into the dust. When the time is right i will give up all the self that I have fought for. Because nothing is more central to my being that my ability to create. I will validify my own existance with an iron will. I will ride this carousel until then. I will wait for nothing, but i will pray damm hard that you will find me before I am gone. Because you were the best dammed thing that happened to me. If there is a god and he cares I hope he prays for me as well.

Memory

I've always known, but never had it articulated so well. Somwhere in the deep recesses of my mind i always knew. Memory, as slippery as an eel, and as clear as crystal. I remmeber too many things, and most times these things elude me. I try, to do things that are not in my capacity, to remember the things i want to forget, and forget nothing at all. To live experience and to continue my existance with everything intact. To live my life with a certian amount of grace, class and tact.

Memory only comes to when the memory is relevant in your life. Therefore i dont remember alot of things. Things i'd like to remember. Things like fairy tales, where I begin and where it ends. I dont remember breaking. Well actually i do remember breaking, but i dont remember what it feels like. But the most shocking thing that i dont remember is how to touch.

Touch, is something i have always and maybe even now still value deeply. Touch the ball, lightly, let it want to move how you want it to move. True strength lies in control. Its easy to hit the ball, but its difficult to get the ball to where you want it to be. Maybe its time i remembered how to touch again.

Everything wants to happen the way that you want it to happen. All you need to do is convince the world. The world revolves around each individual. All you have to do is to teach them to want what you want. In fact you dont have to teach them anything, you just have to want it correctly, that it shines from your soul. Because beautiful people want something thats beautiful, and something that shines. In order to make it shine, your heart and head have to be on exactly the same frequency, not just wanting the same thing, but wanting the same thing just as intensely. I think that why i do everything in such extremes, because its hard to measure the important things. So give it your all, until you feel like breaking then push somemore. Fight until you've given everything, your pride, your fears, your dreams, your life, your beautiful eyes that see deeply into your heart, your entire being. Then your heart and head will be in the same place. I know i will remember to give when the time is right, when it feels right, and i will shine, I will show what it means to live, and what your existance means, because things that shine reflect.

Peace upon the Vesper's glow

I am content. Lets not jinx it. I've found the balance within myself. I know whatever i need will be provided for. And i spend less and less time thinking about suicide. And now my resolve to Do is hampered less, and i find it easier.

Caspian Can Wait

I Love this song. It is beautiful.I love the tone, the mood, the lyrics. I love the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel free. It makes me feel hopeful. It makes me feel like someone could care. About something, anything, everything.

It reminds me of The Little Prince, trying to fix his world. Trying to make it right for his flower. Saving his world from the Baobabs. Somehow, being a prince, and being a dreamer only belongs in the realm of children.

I wonder if Caspian is the prince from Narnia. Who ever he is, he is a child who does not know the daunting task before him. Maybe thats why only he could undertake it. I love School Rumble, because it reminds me of how simple love used to be. How simple love can be. When just wanting is enough. When just trying your best is enough.

And like this, for dreamers and children, who don't understand how complicated things can be sometimes, caspian can wait. I only wonder if he will still be there when we dare to dream again.