Wednesday, June 21, 2006

If you walk a tightrope long enough you're bound to fall

The writings a mess. Baldy written and badly expressed. Could be internal censorship, or just a very bad grammatical flow. So this should be the last post of me trying to expreress how i feel, of me trying to make sense of things.

buh-bye.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Yes thats right...

Its that moment that you feel that everythings right. Those times when you're at peace with yourself. Its those sometimes i decide to sit down and write what i feel, mostly it comes out awfully wrong. Sometimes i look at the things i've written, and its not me. Its just me reacting to feelings and emotions that are whirling about my head like a hurricane. And sometimes, i read the right book, watch the right movie, that atriculates everything i want to say, everything i want to feel, and it clicks. Ah-ha, the words come to mind, like Eureka, or a Norwegian pop band.

Sometimes i feel this me, this sense of self, that i love, this sense of sense. When i really know, what i want, what i'm doing, where i'm going, and what i'm going to do when i get there. The word is inspired. So seldom i feel inspired now, i've stopped looking for ways to feel this, instead I take a nihilstic approach. Dont feel, dont want, dont desire, dont give, and dont take.

I've just understood why people feel tired in relationships, because the other wants too much. I think i take as much as i'm willing to give, and i dont think anybody can keep up with me. Right now i dont really care anymore about that. You can only bounce back up when you've hit rock bottom, i don't know if i'm still falling, and this is just a momentary lapse of reason. Where the lapses are the lapse. Lucky me, and my high tolerance for stupid ideas.

I don't care i'm not asking i'm not wanting. I need a break, i need to love myself, and love my self properly. I might never need again, and i may never give again, but atleast, my broken heart wont be on your shoulders. I am not wise, only consciously niave.

All these feelingsright now, see so right, and make so much sense, so much different from cheating yourself, who you've been cheating. But right now it makes sense, and i have to say, yes, thats right. . .

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Do you?

Do you dare to be happy? Do you want to be loved? Do you wish to feel secure in your life? Do you want to be sane? Do you dare to hope that something better will come along even though something good is already here? You you like to help people? Do you live to put a smile on someone else's face? If you could, would you? Would you rather live in a tree house, or a real house? Whats the one thing that really gets you down and you wont tell to anyone, even admit to yourself? I something good were kept somewhere where would it be? Would you rather be with someone who didn't love you but you love, or someone who you didn't love but loved you? If you could either save yourself or the entire world what would you save? If you were really all alone in this world, what would you do? Do you think that people should care what other people care about? Say one day you were walking down the street, and you ran into someone who you used to love and that person was so wonderful at that point, and now, what would you do? Do you think you feel enough emotions? Do you thing you have really lived life and know what its all about? Do you like music? Whats the first thing you do in the morning? What is the first thought you have in the morning? If you could save one person in the world and make them successful and rich and extremely happy who would that be? Do you think that person deaserves it? How many times do I have to tell you? When you want to talk to someone about something, is it important that they tell you what to do? How many people do you know who really listen to you? How many people do you know who really hear the things you dont say? What kind of friend is a best friend? If you were adopted how would you feel? Do you think abortion should be legalised? Are you Pro Life or Pro Choice? What do you think is a person's most important ability? What qualifies someone to be a person instead of a complex composition of molecules? Would you rather be wise or knowledgable? If you had to sell yourself would you rather take your life? At which point does life become not worth living? Do you believe in fate? Do you believe in faith? Do you believe that you can find the perfect person for you, and they are not the perfect person? Do you believe that the universe has its laws? What seperates greatness from oridinary? Is god dead? Is there a God? Is there a point to answering all the questions in the world? Why are humanities called humanities? Are you a kind person? Do you love me? Do you believe in the buts you say when you answer a question like that? Do you believe that things either are or are not? Did you really expect us to be friends? Do you think we were so niave? Do you think we can be in love again, like in story books where there's a happy ending for everybody? Are pet fish better than pet birds? How much of yourself do you have left? How much do you love yourself? Do you think you'd be the same person without all those people in the world around you? One day when you're old and dying, would you be able to leave all the buts or the what ifs behind? Did we grow up too fast? When wayne said you gotta feel it, did you really feel? Did you like wayne? Do you like being alone? Would you like to make out in the dark room? Can you remember what it feels like when someone kisses you? Do you want to know exactly how i feel on my worst days? Do you think you can do better than me on my worst days? Do you know what it feels like on my worst days? Do you like the sunshine? If you could do it all over again, would you? Did you read this post? Do you lie? Are you wondering if this post is meant to be read?

I dont know all the answers, but this post is for the people who think they know me, understand me, and choose to judge me. Not all questions are mean't to be answered If you can pick a few, answer them on the comments, leave a name if you're not uncomfortable. I've shared my life, my feelings and heart with you who read my blog, why dont you leave something for me?

Friday, June 16, 2006

Wow

Wow a total of 94 people have seen this blog. haha I dont have 94 friends so yeah. i decided to update my profile. When i said post a comment, i was thinking more along the lines of Hi, not really Learn to live. but whatever works.

I care little for my body she said, I care even less about my soul.

Still Doing

i persist in doing, new priorities. If it hurts me now, its alright, as long as i'm fine in the long run. Selfish is good. Do for yourself, because no others will do for you. More pratical, more grounded, sorry if i offend, i'm just trying to stay alive. I'm just trying not to go nuts, trying to feel as little as possible, and to care as little as possible.

I do, therefore i am not dead.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Doing

I used to like the title of Wisdom of the sands, i've never read the book, so i'm not very sure what wisdom the sands hold. I think besides the wisdom of the goggle box, there is some wisdom in MSN nicks. Most of it comes in the form of fragments, like little bits of our self, we put out there, to tell the world what we are thinking about. Trying to express our identity uniquely. Other times it comes in the form of figments. Pieces of our reality we wish to believe in.

Somebody had his nick Stays Kindlier. And I wonder if its trying to stay kindlier, like a gentle reminder, or a wish to stay kindlier, because you know the kindness is going from your eyes. Mostly the little things have the largest impact.

the only reason why my smile never reaches my eyes is cause i just don’t mean it.
:))


Somebody put this on. And i wonder, is it alright to not mean it. Just smile for the sake of smiling, so somebody wont dispise you, exploit you for the way you feel. Pride, take pride in what you do. If i were to look at the last few months and the things i've done i dont think i can feel much pride. I've been unfocused, erratic, and generally not been in control of what i do. I think if my life were part of my work, i'd crumple it and throw it away. I wonder if i'm taking the metaphorical literally. That would be bad news.

It sounds really lousy but i need somebody who drives me, and lets me see a future worth driving headlong into. Sometimes i find some goals to work towards, but they quickly become irrelevant. Something in my life changes, and everything changes, theres not much thats constant. Oddly i found some sense of drive in a mad friend i met the other day. I think if he managed to find his drive dispite the depression, the prison, the unfavourable company, why cant I. Am I really that weak?

Its frusturating, building yourself up all these years, and when the the time comes to put the peddle to the metal, you're afraid, that all your darling dreams and ideas I've walked so hard for will just crash, and fall apart. And then what? Back to the Ol' Drawing board, like a Warner Brothers cartoon? I don't know if i can afford that. Then again i dont know if it matters.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Writing

I think i know whats wrong with this writing. Its too much emotion and too little logic. I'm going to try and change the writing, wish me luck.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

What is a black hole?

I am alright, I can stand up straight, I am alright i can get you of my mind.You'd never want me because this time i'm really broken. Its useless, i've read the signs, they say Be a Man, have a fatal accident today. I dont think anyone can fix this mess. I need to lose the hope, lose the faith, lose my sight and become one of the wandering zombies that wander amilessly. Stab and twist, its that simple even a child could do it. Its as easy as taking a step just one more and you'll fly, i promise. Stop, go away leave me in peace, i need a drink, i need to sleep, i need to stop feeling need to stop thinking, i need some thing, ned something else to stop these thoughts from racing, to stop this heart from beating, pounding mercilessly, stop it heart, you dont belong in my life, stop abusing me. Say those 3 words again, you know, Go And Die. Why don't i just fucking kill my self, what is it lack of guts, i'm sure once i kill my self the whole world will see my guts. I need to die. So i can be the same way i feel. This lack of balance is frusturating me to no end, feel alive be alive feel dead be dead its that simple. Why bother with the details. Could you love someone whos broken and needs to be loved so much. I'm so tired. I need to sleep.

Far away from the memories

Bang on the keyboard. Type type type. I want to write, write it all away. Chase the faint illusion into the realm of things i cannot see or understand. Go, god, see what you have made. You have created a mind. You have created a person, who thinks, and wants and needs and cares and tries and tries so very very hard.

We want more and more and more. We try and try and try and fight, Be a Man! what the fuck is that. I hate today and will probably hate tomorrow. It is a good day to die. Greedisgood 999999. Fuck this shit. Fuck this life its not worth the damm time. Fuck this mind, it would serve better with a bullet through it (99c at walmart) on the plate of your choice crazed serial killer.

I cannot deal with this instability. Its all down to fucking brain chemicals. if they're not gonna sort themselves out i will fucking shoot my brains out. the Miracle of human life. It as miralous as David Blaine flying. Woo Hoo u can fly big fucking deal.

You need you want you get, tenderness care concern what fucking ever. settle for second best, at least you have that. third best, doesn't sound so bad. I think suicide would be good. Your words your thoughts, it is almost always a good day to die. Whats the point of being happy today if you're going to be sad tomorrow. After you chop off my fingers you expect me to hang in there. Life you are indeed cruel.

If god had a computer it'd have 3 keys, Give hope, Give Dreams and SMITE. I'm falling into infinity again, fall, its not so much the hitting the ground that scares me, because i'd die so fast i wont feel it (make sure to fall from a high place). Its the fall down. That gripping fear in your throat. I think my life has reached its end. I can no longer appericiate the fall as something graceful, something liberating (from the worlds laws) i can no longer see the fall as part of flight. My eyes are useless.

I need a new screen, my life is fuzzy enough as it is.

Starlight

Far away
The ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
If the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing the starlight
Until the end of my life
I dont know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Lets conspire to ignite
All the cells that would die just to feel alive

But I'll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never Fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

Far away
The ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

And I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never Fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

Friday, June 09, 2006

Wake up Exhausted

4 hours to midnight, and 1 more night away. I don't think i'm going for the party tomorrow, I might infect the happy people. I wanted to write so much after Legends of the Fall last night. No matter how many times i watch that movie, i never get sick of it. A classic story of love, lust and betrayal. I liked how One-Stab compares Susanna to the water in the rock, that freezes and cracks the rock. He says he no more blamed her for the events that follow, than the water could be blamed for cracking the rock.

Another one of my favourites is Jerry Maguire, i wonder when that will show again. If you love her, you gotta be fair to her. The main difference between the 2 movies is that Legends has a bittersweet ending, whereas Jerry Maguire is almost fairy tale sweet.

Nothing wrong with fairy tales though, i love fairy tales and fairy tale endings, though its hard to imagine them every happening to somebody. Life is not as straight forward as the three act structure.

I asked you if i could charm the pants off you. You said no, but lied. If only i had known, but how could i ever know what happens tomorrow. If i did what would happen to the mystery and wonder of life.

Queen wrote a song for John Lennon called Life is Real.

Even in Legends, the only reason you are inclined to believe the ending is because they painted such a civilised age. Let me assure you however, people have mostly been the way they are now, that civilised age lies mostly in our imagination. However, we are free to imagine and believe whatever we will.

And for now it is not the wisdom of the sands that i defer to, but the wisdom of the Silver Screen.

Don't be shy, lets cause a scene, Like lovers do on Silver screens

I think thats why i loved you so much, because you were my fairy tale girl. It was the whirlwind of excitement, the promise that tomorrow would be better than today, and the journey would never end, like the rabbit that wanted to cross the river, and the soft touches of your hands, and the mornings and the nights, and the everything was right and perfect.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

The book of laughter and forgetting

Finally got my hands on a Milan Kundera book. I wish i read him when i was seventeen, and doing my i-search. Maybe then i wouldn't have to search so hard this time. Only you draw me out when i'm trying so hard to hide behind half smiles, and the river of life.

Remember the butterfly, and our soul? How our lives are like a butterfly, first ugly, eventually beautiful. We are rewarded with freedom in flight, and we flitter, so delicate, so fragile, even as we fly bits of our wings fall apart. But we love the flight, the freedom, even if it would eventually kill us we would still cherish it, breathe it deeply into our being, and letting it fill us up.

I remember the night, curled up in bed with you i told you how i saw life. I knew i would die for this but i didnt care. Whoever said it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all, was probably a suicical maniac. Who viewed his life expectancy through the eyes of a Singaporean lemming. I saw the present that night, and i completely forgot i could be hurt, though the scars were still fresh on my heart.

14 days of freedom and flight i knew it could last forever, i was so sure. And indeed the 30 days spent in your warm loving arms is something i will not easily forget. And in a sense it will last forever.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Aches of Growing up

It was the bow. It was also the cocky grin. Maybe it was the messy hair. Possibly it was the fact that he was only a stupid boy and knowingly walked to his death.

And even if you could not see the eyes, or through-grit-teeth smile. You could not hear the way he choked on each breathe that he took, or the creak of weary bones attempting to lift a heavy heart. You could not help but notice the Ache.

It was more than yearning, it was a decidedly slow excruciating means to an end. And an end the boy walked to, knowing at the end of this pain he would be a man. Never again silly, or forget his mortality. That was what the ache was for.

Authors

Apparently i'm an original thinker. Haha. Took some stupid IQ test, it was way too easy only 60 questions. Results free coz apparently i'm smarter than most. What bull. Maybe i can figure out the stupid complex IQ questions thats why i cant figure out my life.

I'm good at solving problems apparently the stupid test doesn't say why i can solve my problems. Stupid fortune cookie advice. IQ tests are stupid half the people in this goddammed island have a higher IQ than half the world.

I thought it'd be some victory to have a high IQ but actually its garbage. I think the most credible IQ test i've taken to date is the Army one, which lasted 5-6 hrs. And some questions which cannot be answered unless your autistic and have your brain inclined in that way.

Ah yes i wanted to write about authors.

Eddings is crap but should be read once. The man has a wonderful set of unique characters that stops becoming unique after 3 different stories which involves the same set of characters with different names. He is your average american who has a formula hat works and sticks with it.

Though his earlier books that are not in the fantasy genre are a little less gripping, they have a unique set of characters. You cant say you like eddings unless you've read High Hunt and The Losers, as well as his fantasy works.

Eddings used to be my favourite author. Though there is one grand idea in his writing, which is that idea he has of prophecy and fates. That these are just guidelines, and we can still fuck up something even though its fated.

Another author whos good on Prophercy and Fates is Terry Goodkind, who i have no idea if hes a man or a woman. Because he writes like a woman, and the picture behind his book is his brother. He emulates Eddings idea that just because something is fated, does not make it so.

Terry Prachett who lives in Melbourne, who maybe i should have visited, has also made an interesting observation about life. That Million in one chances happen 9 times out of 10, this however does not explain why you did not win the lottery. Though i think you probably would if you didnt need the money, or if you bought a million tickets. Also Prachett is a Fantastic story teller, and while he has tons of easily liked characters, i find his unique view on life makes him the great author he is.

Anne Mccaffrey, looks like a woman you'd describe as an old bat or bulldog. She has written Tons of Sci-Fi, and i think definately one of the best authors in that genre. Though quality is often subjective (i think her writing has a certian amount of quality) she definately has quantity. One thing i CANNOT stand about her is that she endorses any fucking book, and its always the same comment. That woman is a buisness minded bulldog.

George R.R. Martin is also one of my favourite authors, His writing style is unique, and gripping. And hes not one of the countless masses that takes Tolkiens set of races and has his world in one of the countless clones of middle-earth. You'd have to read to understand. THOUGH the goddammed fool takes FOREVER to write a book. Quality is good but 3 years to write 1 book is just stupid. You'd have to read him once to become an addict, and u'd be like me waiting 3 years for one book thats been hardcover for a YEAR and i think i'll buy it NEXT YEAR, but because its soooo thick it'll probably be in 2 softcovers.

WHY IS THERE PIRACY? BECAUSE OF GREEDY PUBLISHING HOUSES AND RECORD LABELS, AND STUDIOS< AND AGENTS AND THE TON OF MIDDLE MEN MAKING MONEY OFF 1 PERSON!

ok. Who else do i Like GAIMAN! I think hes the best author today, original, smart, and wisely refuses to do sequals, haha much to my disapointment. His latest book Coraline i think wasn't that great but its a short story, a 2 hr read and i'm a slow reader.

IF YOU"RE ONE OF THE COUNTLESS PEOPLE I"VE BEEN GETTING TO READ GAIMAN.

Start with Neverwhere, or Stardust if you dont have time, those are his best books. actually maybe u should start with anansi boys and American gods. actually its very different. Stardust and Neverwhere is a fairy tale. American gods and anansi boys, is a little more real.It doesn't flit you into an imaginary world as much as the first 2. Read Sandman i think its fantastic, and there's another comic based on The character Lucifer Morningstar, called Lucifer which is really good as well.

I think one of his most daring claims in his book is that Angels and Gods have wants as well.

I have said this time and time again, for a man to write great books, comics, a TV series, and a movie, is no mean feat, and Mirrormask did not disapoint at all. Though the sound track a little abstract. Actually i think i'll leave u with a song from mirror mask and a cover of i think the carpenters.

If i want to write like anyone its Gaiman, but now is not the time for that. If you havent noticed i've been putting songs in my blog as well, consider it a new development.

Monday, June 05, 2006

How can anybody possibly know how I feel

If you're like me then you have those little things you're proud of. Those little parts of you that you said something, and you know something is so. Things like i would never do this, or i'm like that, if push comes to shove, i'd still be like this.

Those little things you take so much pride in yourself for. Those things that nobody can ever touch, that you'd never let anybody ever take away from you. Your self respect, your prides and joys, your in a sense essence.

If you're like me then you're learning to try to make the best of your life after some of those things have been taken away. And in knowing you're not as impregnable as you once though you were. That even your most stubborn defences can be broken through, and your most guarded posessions stolen while you dream.

If you're not like me i pray for you never to be like me, But how can you be me.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Pills

I am so tired. My life lacks a certian quality. I feel more empty than I've felt in the last few weeks. Whats the opposite of being empty, its fooled, not full. Its a kind of denial where you feel impregnable. Nothing can ever harm you. I need to move out soon. I need to start my own life and get it back in order.

The truly wise know they know nothing. Thats what they say. I know so little now and so little is certain that it has reached the point of being ridiculous. I dont run away from my problems, and i try to face them as best as i can. I'm so afraid. Of so many things now. Of nothing at all i dont know and i dont want to care but i do care and i still dont know.

I'm not fixed yet, just in denial. Denial is better than eygpt. I feel like i'm waiting to die. But i'm fucking 21 and shouldn't be feeling this way. I should be smiling and being happy, there are so many things i leave unsaid, so many things i dont want to say, but i know what they are. I just dont know what i'm suppoused to do with all these problems, that are nothing at all but mean the world to me.

Please let me die or live, purgatory is too painful, hell with a hope is simply too inhumane.

I hope my smile
can distract you
I hope my fists
can fight for two
So it never has to show
And you’ll never know

I hope my love
can blind you
I hope my arms
can bind you
So you’ll never have to see
What we’ve grown to be

One may think
we’re alright
But we need pills
to sleep at night
We need lies
to make it through the day
We’re not ok

One may think
we’re doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We’re losing ground
with every passing day
We’re not ok

But that’s one thing
I would never
One thing I would never
That’s one thing
I would never say to you

Friday, June 02, 2006

Baby Steps and Noontime Naps

Baby steps and noontime naps are easy, part of a better childhod. The better part of us were breast fed, does that make us more compassionate, and does compassion make us better people.

Noontime naps i still find good, simply because i cant sleep at night, the fear of nightmares keeps me awake through the night and the fear of endless chores keeps me safely asleep during the afternoon warmth.

Mostly we're afraid of getting cold. One of the things from Sophie's World that really got to me was then they were talking about romanticism. Most romantics killed themselves, or became the working blase middle class they so despised. It seems like there are only 2 options for somebody who wants a perfect fairy tale life. Suicide or a really painful life.

I somehow started feeling tired again, happier to be safe at home, safe from people, dissappointment, choices, and hope. The only hope i have at home is that things are quiet. And things are quiet because i'm asleep during the day and live my day during the night.

If a tree falls in the forest and nothings around to ehar it does it make a sound? Ignorance is bliss.

Back to the crux of what i wanted to say. Baby steps sound like such an easy thing to do. mostly its putting one foot in front of the other. When you walk the first part of your body that moves is the hips. Step by tiny step, it all seems so easy. Whats so difficult and the flaw in this almost wonderful plan is the fear. Its easy to move, but its almost impossible when you have that fear that grips your heart, when you feel those fingers wrap around your still beating warm heart and squish, then you stop. And your feet wont move.

So what happens when the heart just stops, you can find out here.

Sometimes i wonder if its better to just be cold, and have your heart frozen solid. Numb to everything. So you cant feel that cold bony grip, so you cant feel that wrenching squish. I'm just too torn and tired now. Give me a reason to believe in something more.

Please.