Motion Picture Soundtrack

Red wine and sleeping pills
Help me get back to your arms
Cheap sex and sad films
Help me get back where I belong

I think you're crazy, maybe
I think you're crazy, maybe

Stop sending letters
Letters always get burned
Its not like the movies
They fed us on little white lies

I think you're crazy, maybe
I think you're crazy, maybe

I will see you in the next life

Every Shining Time You Arrive

If I ever believed in something true
At the end of it all I always knew
She would be. Someone like you.

You don't disarm me with a smile. Just being in your presence makes everything better. You don't have to do anything. Just be yourself. All my hurts just fall like shoulders too tired to bear the burden. I am a better person around you. I am free around you. And I am full, of love, and joy, and peace, and hope. For one fleeting moment, I know, without a doubt. The World is a better place. And I am content.

I am complete.

Mellow for Christmas

It's been a tiring holiday, and I've found myself once again looking inward. Searching for truth, searching for something to believe in.

How all of us celebrate with such ceremony, our uniqueness. Still we seldom see, that being unique makes us lonely, isolated, misunderstood, ultimately leaving us vulnerable. We drown in our uniqueness, like Narcissus through the looking glass.

Soft touches and gentle words, that coax, and cradle us, from our solitude. Inviting, caring, warming, feeling deeply into the moments between - the beats of your heart. To be warm again, to feel again, to breathe deeply that first sweet gasp for air as you emerge from the surface of still water.

Still I am human. Sometimes, it's hard to remember that life is not masturbation, nor is it copulation. Though I find this hard to remember sometimes, I believe life is a dance. It is a silent, perfect, invigorating dance shared by two souls.

Two souls who have found themselves equally unique.


In light of all this weight, I submit my musings of the night. I hope they inspire in you something. As they did in me.

Poems by D H Lawrence:

Self Pity

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.



What would you fight for?

I am not sure I would always fight for my life.
Life might not be worth fighting for.

I am not sure I would always fight for my wife.
A wife isn't always worth fighting for.

Nor my children, nor my country, nor my fellow-men.
It all deprnds whether I found them worth fighting for.

The only thing men invariably fight for
Is their money.  But I doubt if I'd fight for mine, anyhow
 not to shed a lot of blood over it.

Yet one thing I do fight for, tooth and nail, all the time.
And that is my bit of inward peace, where I am at one
 with myself.




And I must say, I am often worsted.




To Women, As Far As I'm Concerned

The feelings I don't have I don't have.
The feelings I don't have, I won't say I have.
The felings you say you have, you don't have.
The feelings you would like us both to have, we
 neither of us have.
The feelings people ought to have, they never have.
If people say they've got feelings, you may be pretty
 sure they haven't got them
So if you want either of us to feel anything at all
you'd better abandon all idea of feelings altogether.

All I ask

All I ask of a woman is that she shall feel gently towards
me
when my heart feels kindly towards her,
and there shall be the soft, soft tremor as of unheard bells
between us.
It is all I ask.
I am so tired of violent women lashing out and insisting on being loved,
when there is no love in them.

Flux

I throughly believe in that, if it causes you pain cut it off. Well if the pain is not justified at least. These few years i've been looking to get high. And it has finally dawned upon me. I've been looking for the wrong high.

Society has been engineered to mistake sadness for happiness. This I attribute to the availability of alcohol. The legalisation and the way it's marketed. Destroying people make a capitalistic environment possible. We work, we consume, and we are so consumed by Our sadness and grief we are unable to stop and consider why we bother with it all.

Society is fucked. People are screwed up. Life is disgusting. Religion is disgusting. How warped is it when we base our happiness and freedom at the heart wrenching death of another. Its something we grow accustomed to and take for granted, in turn making human life seem insignificant. I cant remember where I saw this but somewhere on TV this guy asked, If you don't believe in God, heaven and hell, why haven't you taken a gun and gone on a killing spree.
Sacrifice is a beautiful delicate and noble thing. When it is taken for granted, it's just tragic.

If your right hand is causing you pain
Cut it off, cut it off
If your colours have started to run
Let them all run, run away from you

There is lightning in this room
Above our heads, waiting to strike
I'm a thinker not a talker
Put your faith, your faith in God

We were hoping for some romance
All we found was more despair
We must talk about our problems
We are in a state of flux

I'd kill for an adventure
Just you and I, in the Curzon Bar
Dancing till we knew
So all that we've learnt disappears

When you shouted at me
I saw my father in the second grade
Concerned and kind
Yet unable to reach me

We were hoping for some romance
All we found was more despair
We must talk about our problems
We are in a state of flux

State of flux (9 TIMES)

We need to talk (5 TIMES)

We were hoping for some romance
All we found was more despair
We must talk about our problems
We are in a state of flux

It

It breaks me,
It makes me,
It takes me,
It saves me,
It's the sum not the whole,
It lives as it dies,
It's truly, alive
It's me

Ugh

This god dammed virus is pissing me off.

Here's Joni:

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living every day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Comets lash and rise above...

There's so much to say and so few words to say it. Words have to be chosen. Not to reflect the truth, but to reflect a reflection of the truth. Ambiguity makes for acceptable communication. Its a twisted world we live in.

It goes against me, there are a lot of things to say, but I'm settling for just not cut out for this world. I try so hard to mean what I say, and say what I mean. But that is a skill that has not been required for quite awhile. I try to be a part of things, and not apart from things. To believe in them and their wholesomeness. To see things for what they are, a glass that just is, and it doesn't matter if it's half empty or full.

I try to be a human being. To live to the standards of the impossible that could be possible. I try to believe, in everything, from God, to people, from fact, to fable, from love, to solitude. Because at the basest level, I am a humanitarian. I believe we are capable of more than we give ourselves credit for. Somehow, believing in all this, I find it hard to give someone a chance to choose for themselves. Aren't we all confused anyway.

A trip was good, I managed to get away from it all. Sit and relax, away from the hustle and bustle of the big city life. However, the trip, like the term suggests, involved some pain, such as falling flat on your face. And I wonder, how I got so attached to home. I guess I know the truth of it, just that the truth isn't good enough for tender ears.

"It's 2007 Jeremy", she said. I've been living a dream. While I believe in an open egalitarian society, it's 2007. It's the big city, filled with lights, bright lights! Even the eternal stars dim in contrast. It's about long enough, forever is something that only crossed our collective consciousness in a dream.

Did we really sell our heroes for ghosts? I used to have a hero, I don't anymore, he let me down, and now he's just an ordinary human being. I used to be special, but I'm not anymore, I've been let down, and now I'm just an ordinary human being. Weary, wary, quiet.

I wish I knew what I could do, to make you brave enough to believe in me. Nothing ventured nothing gained they say. You only live (each moment) once. Under the pressing weight of it all, we know it's nothing to get hung about, it's always strawberry fields, forever.

:)

Headed off for a long awaited holiday. Its been years. It;s been about time. A chance to be free. Free from the weight of it all. The crushing weight. It's been a good year. Good enough for me. I am relieved at this burst of peace.

A sunday playlist

Believe me Natalie - The Killers
Creep (Live) - Radiohead
Ceremony - New Order
The Evil that Men Do - Iron Maiden
Babara Ann - Blind Guardian Cover
Stratovarius - We hold the Key
Here is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls
Headlong- Queen
Razzle Dazzle Rose - Camera Obscura
Seven Seas of Rhye - Queen
The Grouch - Green Day
Your Kisses are wasted on me - The Pipettes
Friday I'm in Love - The Cure
Marry Me - Ellegarden
Everything is Alright - Motion City Soundtrack
Push (Live) - Matchbox 20
How to Save a Life - The Fray
Good Riddance - Green Day

Feeling Good, thanks Nina

All you ever do is walk away. From everything. Walk. We were better once. We were happy once. We were human beings once. We were happy once. We believed in things like love, freedom, hope, and other such nonsense that doesn't belong to this reality. Once. Once upon a time. We sang, our hearts were free.

I want a rush. I want to get on a roller coaster. I want to look my fears in the eye and laugh at it. I am. I always remember: I am. Not so much what i can become, not so much the stuff that makes me, not so much the small things anymore. Its just me, and the universe, in its entirety, and I am.