Pitseleh

i'll tell you why i don't want to know where you are
i got a joke i been dying to tell you
a silent kid is looking down the barrel
to make the noise that i kept so quiet
i kept it from you, pitseleh
i'm not what's missing from your life now
i could never be the puzzle pieces
they say that god makes problems
just to see what you can stand
before you do as the devil pleases
and give up the thing you love
but no one deserves it
the first time i saw you i knew it would never last
i'm not half what i wish i was
i'm so angry
i don't think it'll ever pass
and i was bad news for you just because
i never meant to hurt you

Raveing, rather than ranting

Before i head to Mos i'd like to blog. I'd like to write and let my fingers fly accross the keyboard once again. I love the music, the sounds, the constant chatter of the monologue between my keyboard and i. What was that movie that said, the reason he reads so much is because he's fucking boring and nobody would talk to him. kind of struck a bitter chord there, i'm being reclusive again, but i love the freedom of being a recluse, i owe (almost) nobody nothing. I can cut and run now, far away and mostly i dont care if i ever see most people again, i hate it when people have a hold on my life, i am after all my own man, fixed and free, and i feel so much better now. I am better now, my heart though was not and may never be fixed, just that a new one was made, modeled after the old one. I WANT to see the truth, I want to believe in something, And i know i'll be fine, i'd really like to make a daisy chain for fun, skip and hop and dance in circles, it'd be better if there was someone to dance with, but its ot really something i need. I liked that line from boston legal, by alan shore and he said, The only thing i require from a relationship is that I remain completely and utterly alone. And now i know why and how its possible.

Rlue Number 1: Everything is expandable
Rlue Number 2: You'll always be fine
Rule Number 3: You dont need anything
Rule Number 4: There is always a choice
Rule Number 5: Any extreme action to be taken must always be done in cold blood in complete and full understanding of the consequences, which must be deemed irrelevant, or nothing more than a minor inconvineance
Rule Number 6: All Debts must be paid in full
Rule Number 7: Never commit yourself to something unless you're prepared to everything for what ever you're committed to
Rule Number 8: We do not kill for pleasure
Rule Number 9: Believe everything, trust nothing
Rule Number 10: You don'y try, you will never know

Confessions

h havent had a mood swing for a long time now. either my memory is failing or my depression is.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! hahaha! Peals of laughter rise through the sky! I'm so totally hooked on your ex-lover is dead!

Then we add some more, coz i'm too lazy to post in a new page.

Curently irritated by people telling me i'm screwed up when i'm not fuggid

and post post script says, my IQ is a friggin low 126, i mut be retarded

And adding on again i notice its been the trend to pute naked pictures of your ex-girlfriend on the net, ha free entertainment at its finest, Jerry Springer meets the real world. heh

And i've been adding on to this post because i cant bear to hit a hundred, and i'm lazy to write stuff for a whole post, i'd rather not think if i dont have to right now.

I am unable to discern how much of the truth i should disclose, the damm gate keepers of my mind are out of order, sorry if you get too much truth.

Your Ex-Lover is Dead

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across point champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name…

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love…

Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

Bordom

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5
Mind:	4.2
Body:	5.9
Spirit:	5
Friends/Family:	3.9
Love:	0.8
Finance:	5.2
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Jump

When i say jump, dont even ask how high, just jump because your life depends on it, and you know in you empty shell that it doesn't even matter if you were alive or not.

Persona non Grata baby, i do not have clearance to care that much

Puppy

Nothing quite tears my heart apart like the first 73 pages of American Gods. And now my heart is torn and rended to its very being.

How Laura calls him Puppy, and now its all so irrelevant. How three years of waiting to be with her ends so tragic: her death. How he still loves her after he's been betrayed, How she still loves him even though she is dead. How all he wanted was to love her one last time, and he never even got the chance. Shadow is a character i love, so cold, so unemotional.

Reminds me of the every time i've been told, no matter how much it hurts, how much its not fair, how much yo think you cant go on any longer, you do. Because the world still uncaring and unmoved goes on. It doesn't really matter, anyone can see.

I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.
-American Gods

I feel empty in the pit of my stomache. I want to throw up, i want so much more to sleep, or keep smoking and never have to stop. God will you take me back when i'm done with my self inflicted purgatory? I want to be cold as ice, sharp as steel. I want to see with my heart, and stop looking back. And i'm looking back at so many things now.

The memories flash like they say in the movies before you die. And i ask myself again, am I dying? Some part of me hopes i am, another part says there will be something better. But I'm so sick of hoping for something better. I want to laugh and smile because i dont care if theres something better out there. Because what i have, here and now is good enough, i want to be. Just happy, not for any reason, other than not wanting a better tomorrow than today.

And he calls into the empty night. He says i'm still your puppy in the still of his heart. Despite everything that going on, thats the only thing that matters. Really matters. I would have fought tooth and nail, clawed, begged and pleaded, if only you had cared enough to fight for me, i would have wanted nothing more than to die in your arms, even if it means nothing to anyone.

Everybodys dying or going mad, my back is starting to ache, i either have bad posture or as the doctor says, blocked nerves. Maybe i'm dying and i just dont know it, that thought brings a genuine smile to my bitter lips.

I'm not done writing because i still feel empty. That inconsolable ache still lingers at the core of my heart, and the words that i cant ever bear to utter are still stuck at the back of my throat. Is it wicked to pretend that you dont care when you actually do? I sometimes hope you rot in hell, then i can spend eternity with you, i think my soul is already dead.

Since i cant go on anymore, i'll leave you with quotes.

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
-Swedish Proverb

“Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.”
-Dr. Joyce Brothers quotes

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”

“God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players, (ie everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”
-Good Omens

Why cant i stop loving you sweetheart? Even if you went away, the longing empty ache still remains, like that stale taste in my mouth after a night of hard drinking. No matter how much i think i've forgotten i still remember when you remind me. And i think on that day when i've truly forgotten, i'll be sadder than all the hurt i've put myself through since december.

Sometimes

Its so true when they say timing is everything. Sometimes things just happen. Sometimes things just feel so right they cant possibly be wrong. Sometimes we make the worst choices with the best intentions. Sometimes we care enough, sometimes we dont care enough for ourselves.

I feel this side of me again, and this time, i'm terrified. The control freak in me screams, the constant question in me asks, are you happy? do you want to be happy? Is this real? What's going on? Every time your heart attempts to flutter, you never know whats going to happen next. I feel like a jumbled mess, the boy with too many knees and elbows. Because i know when something's too good to be true, it usually is.

Timing is everything, the words just echo in the still of my mind. What happens after the timing has passed? the moments go, and you dont feel for that person anymore, you feel for someone else? Do you look for something better? Look for something more? If that is the way things are, we'll keep looking forever, sometimes the one we love we may not be in love with forever and ever, forever is after all a long time.

As soothing as the phrase time heals all wounds is, it is unbearably painful. Like a salon door, that cowboys walk through, not the kind of salon where women walk through (cowboys and women are two very different things), it swings both ways. Just as likely as time is to make you forget how exquisite and beautiful someone is, the light they brought into your life, the bubbling joy, the fiery passion, the single minded vision, and passion, it is also the likely cause you had to forget, because time makes you forget why you care so much in the first place.

Sometimes i think its just better, walk into it dont look back, when tings are bad dont look bad, when you dont love that person anymore, tell yourself you do and dont look back. And hope and pray the timing will be back again. Time waits for no man, no man is an island, islands in the sun are fun for everyone, everyone has to learn sometime, sometimes love just aint enough.

Just that sometimes, things change, things will never be the same. When we're busy swinging, high on moonbeems and stardust, falling with style, and life is pink, the world is green, and crying is something done by other people.

I only have one heart, one soul, one body, one life, one reason to carry on, just one, and sometimes thats all i ever need.

The Trapeze Swinger

Please, remember me
Happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin
The time when
We counted every black car passing
Your house beneath the hill
And up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range,
A piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention
But

Please, remember me
Fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then
They went on to say
That the pearly gates
Had some eloquent graffiti
Like 'We'll meet again'
And 'Fuck the man'
And 'Tell my mother not to worry'
And angels with their gray
Handshakes
Were always done in such a hurry
And

Please, remember me
At Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white
By midnight
We'd forgotten one another
And when the morning came
I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world
And then returned
And now you're lit up by the city
So

Please, remember me
Mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower call
Then pass us by
But much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour
Leave and resonate
Just like the gates
Around the holy kingdom
With words like 'Lost and Found' and 'Don't Look Down'
And 'Someone Save Temptation'
And

Please, remember me
As in the dream
We had as rug-burned babies
Among the fallen trees
And fast asleep
Aside the lions and the ladies
That called you what you like
And even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see
A trapeze
Swing as high as any savior
But

Please, remember me
My misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain
And chasing trains
The colored birds above there running
In circles round the well
And where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter's
So bright with cinder gray
And spray paint
'Who the hell can see forever?'
And

Please, remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turn from me
And said 'The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last'
The clown that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
Had an element of danger
So

Please, remember me
Finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear
But if i make
The pearly gates
Do my best to make a drawing
Of G-d and Lucifer
A boy and girl
An angel kissin on a sinner
A monkey and a man
A marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swingers

A poem i cannot write

Words cannot describe elation
Never once with satisfaction
In bad poetry like this
Like dancing with soft jelly feet
Singing with a broken voice
Are seldom words to show rejoice

It is writen

If it is written, why do we fight so hard for something more, for something better. Why do we want, anything at all. Theres a danger in wanting somebody too much, almost in the same way theres a danger in eating seafood in Malaysia, or taking a plane to the United States of America.

Of all the difficult questions in life, (like what is the meaning of life, or is the heart really responsible for all the emotions), i find the most difficult thing to answer is: Why? Not really why anything, more like why everything. Why things happen at all.

Sometimes it could be just about appericiating the finer ironies of life, mostly i think its a cruel joke to see how much you can laugh until whatever is happening to you stops being funny or ironic.

Everybody has a little bit of a sadomasochist, some more than others. Children more than most. Only a child would hold a magnifying glass at ants, and only a child would walk willingly into a situation he might get hurt, because he doesn't know his limits to pain.


When we grow up, we start becoming afraid, afraid to get hurt, because we've been "in too deep" too many times. Thats when we lose that child like curiousity in us, that courage, that daring, to try and try again, to do what we want, and not give a damm if we'll come out a rangled mess.

To dare to love like children, who only know the constant love of their parents, and has never had their heart betrayed before. Maybe thats why they always dare to ask the difficult qustions over and over again. Why?

I smiled and laughed today

God have mercy!

5 Minutes of madness, a lifetime of regret.

I feel like fuck and i take it out on my keyboard. My inability to articulate is stressing me out, wrong thing wrong time wrong place wrong person wrong wrong wrong. Tappaty tap tap, the drone of the early morning sounds, some semi productive some semi charmed semi worth living sort of thoughts, cant you see the pretty fish? look at them go, look at them swim, swish swish, plonk, fishy fish fish, where are you?

Oh my, Delusions, illusions, reality where are you, what happened one second you were so clear and bright, the next, everything just, everything just, whats that word again, its not there anymore.

Ahem, this is your captain speaking, please keep your arms in the vehicle, we will be alighting in the middle of the war zone soon, jump jump! faster! How high? how fast, how much waht do you want? what can i do?

Do dee doo doo, dum dee dum dum, twiddle dee and twiddle dum, excuese me, are you a model? Would you like to join this contest, model combat? Jump Jump! go go gogogogogogo! excuse me, are you losing your mind? Sir Yes Sir! Yes yesyesyesyesyes, thats what you're suppoused to say, feel and think, yesyesyesyesses, excuese me, wheres the toilet YES goddammit how many times do i have to go over this. Go to hell! That would be orchard, turn right, left then right again, very quickly, whats the word? YES, feel like fuck? Yes? Nonono thats not right wrong question, right answer, what do you know? Know? truly wise know they know nothing. Whats is the meaning of nothing? What is the meaning of life? Spare me the easy questions, alright how about: WHY!

Why oh why did you have to say goodbye oh god damm what huh? excuse me? excuses, what are they, they are what the fabric of a firm reality rests upon. Are you a oh sorry do you exist? oh my, somethings wrong? where is the house? i know where the master is but the house is going mad.

Mad is in the mind hence, we paratice no mind, we are mindless drones, yes yes yes. Stop it, invasions on the way, subversion lies and videotapes, I saw you you did it. YOU DID IT! Stop it.

Dammit i'm not typing fast enough for this keyboard.

Tappety tap tap. my body wants to stop, i dont know stop asking me all these difficult questions. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Look Ma! No Hands, I'm FLYING peter I'm flying, a slap in the face, a stab in the back, THEN you'll be a real boy, all you have to do is watch your life flash before your eyes, then you'll really be mature, then you'll really appericiate everything around you, then maybe you'll stop hiding in the madness and heart break this world is throwing, just grow up and see beyond yourself. The world is bigger than you, LOOK AT ME. I'm hanging from a tree. And the crowd doesn't care.
Lets play regret darling, like you always promised we would, I'll regret enough for the both of us. Because i love you. Only once, and when the moment passes, never again.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Redundant

We're living in repetition.
Content in the same old shtick again.
Now the routine's turning to contention,
Like a production line going over and over and over, roller coaster

Now I cannot speak, I lost my voice
I'm speechless and redundant
'Cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words.

Choreographed and lack of passion
Prototypes of what we were
Went full circle 'til I'm nauseous
Taken for granted now
I waste it, faked it, ate it, now i hate it

'Cause I cannot speak, I lost my voice
I'm speechless and redundant
'Cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words.

Now I cannot speak, I lost my voice
I'm speechless and redundant
'Cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words.

Now I cannot speak, I lost my voice
I'm speechless and redundant
'Cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words.

Butterflies in your stomache

Well i guess i'm back here. I've really become way too attached to this blog. Its more than an outlet, its the first time keeping a journal actually makes sense to me. I guess for the first time i agree that memory is really screwed up, and it can be changed at any given moment.

Priya doesn't like butterflies. I dont know why, but i really love butterflies, what they stand for, and the way their life revolves. I'm trying to fix, everything.

I'm not doing this for anyone, maybe Mel's right. I'm bored of this. What i'm bored of of course is feeling so dead inside. Do i want to be a fair and good person, i havent decided. But i want things to change. Hence the choice, make things better or make things worse, its probably all the same, right and wrong answers are relitavely similar, you can do the right thing everytime and end up with something contrary to what you thought would have been right for you.

You dont really have a right to tell me you're disapointed in me though. Not after all i've scarificed for you, after all i've done, and what i went through. Theres a very simple reason to why i'm like this now. Since we agreed on honnesty, i'll tell you. I dont trust you anymore. Can i ever trust you? Yes when you really want me to. But right now you dont care enough to want me to trust you.

I've come a long way in this denial, this bitter self loathing, this emptiness, this beautiful nothing. In this part of my life, I'm not trying, i'm not giving, and i'm not loving like i think is right. I'm doing my best to do everything against my better nature. I simply don't want to believe in the better nature of people, and every lie i'm told, (white, fun or otherwise doesn't really make a difference) brings me one step closer to my goal, an acute sense of cynicism. House says, everybody lies, i need to be in tune with the truth or extremely cynical, i'm not interested in truth right now, because theres no point in understanding the universe when theres no one to marvel at it with you. Hence, not just any girl will do.

People have different smiles for different things. I have a few let me tell you them now, and you can tell me if you know what they are. Smile when i'm happy, smile when i look at you and you make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, smile when i cry inside, smile when i know i'm heading into certian emotional doom but still chugging on anyway, smile when i meet somebody i want to see, smile when i meet somebody i don't want to see, smile when i hear something that resonates within me. I guess these are the basics, some of these smiles have laughs that go along as well, i used to laugh when i was unhappy, but i stopped being able to do that because i've learnt that unhappiness doesn't like being laughed at, and comes back in many malicious forms. Speaking of which, malicious behaviour is the one thing i cannot abide, i will not trip you for comic relief, nor can i abide someone who does.

Ironically the people who read my moods best are kevin and pal, tonight when i said i'm going home they said ok bye, somehow knew i didnt feel like talking. I'll be fine, though right now is just rocky for me. I'm still learning to love myself, learning to trust myself, to live with myself. I'm learning to pay attention to my mind, i'm learning to try and care a little.

Its a difficult balance, being dead and this half-life. I think every time you break your heart, you die by half, because your soul is infinite, you have lost alot and nothing, half of infinity is infinity, the infinity that you lost and the infinity that you still have are essentially similar though the loss of so much is still too much to bear. When you quarter and eighth infinity, you start to wonder if you were really all that you said you were, all it takes is belief, i guess in your self, in the truth of the cup being full, though its a little tricky because you're soul is either infinite of half of that, both of which are infinite. Agrhh hard to explain.

It was beautiful because things were so simple. Things were simple because we trusted, black to be black and white to be white. We trusted because we pretended that we've never been hurt before, and we (at least I) believed it. I was hurt like the first time, and i still remember the first time 8 years ago. I let you hurt me because i really wanted to love you, now i'm hurting myself because i really want to love you still. Things are not simple anymore because i dont believe in myself right now, i dont know right from left, I dont know real from surreal.

I do know butterflies are the dead close to your heart come to visit, and sometimes they turn up in your stomache, they flitter and stir parts of you that you've let settle, like after a heavy meal.

A funeral for structure

Fast as flight through depths of night
Under stars and magic sights
No i'll never, ever turn around
Ease my way to solid ground
Reveal this world that calls to me
Anticipate the end I long to be
'Love' you cry and soon I wished the end of flight

Spare me the tears and sympathy my darling
Spare the sweet charade of how you feel right now
My lover dear dont cry to me
And tell me how you cannot see
What things have come to be

Spare me the regret, the looking back and what if's
Spare me the sweet charade of what things could be right now
Lover dear dont make me cry
Dont make me see
And most of all my darling sweet, dont make me want to believe

Spare me the broken hearted charade
Spare me the lull of the sweet serenade
Spare me the empty promises
Spare me the scent of you
Spare me the tender words from your tender lips
Spare me the heart that i've broken for you
Spare me the timeless tango we so badly danced
Spare me the regret while i take my plunge

If you will not love me enough to make me believe
Spare me the lies i'd tell just to live
I'd rather not believe in anything
At least i'd die with a sense of dignity
Just let me lie and plunge the depths into the surface of a restful peace