The Great Destroyer

STRUGGLE. SCREAM. SHOUT. FIGHT BEAT BEAT BEAT.

HURT. FEEL. CREATE. RENEW. HEAL. FREEZE. BURN. SUFFER. DIE DIE DIE.

I think therefore i am. I am what i am. I am. I.

I scream. You scream. We all scream for something more. Something colder, something sweeter, something real, something smooth, something worth our while.

Beg, on your knees, get stung by bees, go jump in the lake beecause. Just because.

What ever you do dont hate. Hatred consumes you. Hatred envelopes you. Hatred will be the end of you. It will tear you, it will rend you apart, it will make you cry. For yourself and the other. The other who you hate. The other that you love. Hatred will tear both of them apart.

Kiss Kiss, those warm lips. Those soft lips. Those lips that bind our hearts like nurtured trees. Forget the tongue, it doesn't mean as much as the French suppouse it does. Kiss, and let the warmth envelope you, heal you, make you whole. Make you one.

Once there was a little song that softly swiftly hummed along. That was a long time ago. Now it doesn't hum so swiftly anymore. Now it's not so little anymore. But shes still soft, softer now, from being hurt all those years since its been once. And even softer than the humming is the crying.

Cry me a river, cry me a river. And i'll know that i've loved you. Because once i've cried for you. I cant love you anymore. I'm mourned, I've broken. I've begged. I've put my pride aside. And if you wont come to me while i'm crying that river for YOU. Dont bother at all. Theres no point in wasting your tears and pride in someone who doesn't understand.

I dont care what you do. kill me burn me break my bones. Crucify me, torture me, leave me hurt me some more. I'm already broken, and i can't break anymore. Anymore than my lord will allow me to. Anymore than i was made to. Anymore than a human being should.

Crawl into a hole

So my blog is empty. I need to fill up the space. Fill up the spaces in between, make something again. Make something new, make something whole. Give something a sense of purpose that wakes up in the morning and goes ahhh.

Words come so difficult to me now, like the next step, almost reluctant. Every day is opposed by violent contemplation. What am i today?

I strongly dislike seeing myself now. A whole generation of walking zombies, living dead. We were all dying since the day we were born. A sense of purpose a still birth. An entire generation of dead people.

What happened to the dreams. What happened to the heartfelt laughter. What happened to tears of joy. All thats left are tears of emptiness, loneliness. What happened to Childhood, what happened to things i believe in. What did i believe in?

What happened to my sense of self. The beast within rages. I pray it will never go free.

The Melting Man

The Melting Man is cold as stone
Its been decades since he's ever flown
His head hung low
His eyes below
The sun he's never seen

The melting man lives close to me
For countless years he grieves
His arms have sunk
His hands gunk
A torturous life its been

The melting man he cares no more
Through coldest nights and days so bright
His hearts alive
His body tried
If god would let him scream

The melting man is cold as stone
And under that his feet do groan
They dredge in steps he's never had
He's weary to the bone
And nights have come and days gone by
And time stood still as ravens fly
He dies as so must I
. . .

Empty

i was feeling empty so i decided to blog about it

Omnia mutantur, nihil interit

And then i will talk about 3 funerals and a bird. There seem to be alot of funerals going on now. Everybodys dying.

Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.

Arent we all. My life is shit and i feel like a sorry excuse for a human being. Great. I dont want to blog anymore because i have nothing to say to anyone anymore. Sammy said it seems like i blog for a specific somebody. Maybe its just the radio clases that make me talk to you instead of the general public.

I dont think i will write for awhile. words are just so meaningless like ideas, believes. whatever. What you have is what you hold on to, and i am grasping on to an infinite nothingness. I dont even know what that means and in my last post i hoped to write something worthwhile. i dont really care.

I think i dont care about anything anymore i dont care about myself i dont care about anyone else. If you care push me off a building. Before i can push myself off.

I want to do what i knew how to do so long before. Something long ago before i met sammy before i knew what a relationship meant. Between friends or otherwise. I want to run. I want to hide. Its just so fucking difficult because i'm so god dammed lonely.

I'll be fine. I hope i do not plagerise, Mass Com taught me 3 consecutive words = plagerism. I dont give a fuck about mass com now. But i'm 21 and i can really go to jail. God save the dead, coz thats when people realise they need saving. Fuck the queen, the queen not Queen. I have a sneaky suspicion i spely it wrong. Kelvin if my spelling offenends i'm sorry my spelling and grammar are shit.

Although its appalling how there are tons of singaporeans whos spelling and grammar are worse than mine. Like i was saying. I'll be fine because my hosue is a pub my darling mother just doesn't know it yet. I want to run away from this live. because i had to remember a password that i though i forgot. because i had to recently remmeber alot of things i though i'd forgot. I'm not a good person and i'm sick of making excuses for myself.

I'm sick of making people sad, i'm sick of trying and failing i'm sick of everything. Thank you god for granting my wishes. all of them, from learning about love pain and all that other shit. Right now i wish i wasn;t so niave so i could be more niave.

I take heart in the title, if i tell you what it means you may not appericiate the sense of discovery. but it keeps me going most days. Other days its memento mori, we wereall dying since the day we were born. With no words to tell the world how we felt.

I've been spewing a ton of garbage in this post. Only thing i really have to say is i'm sorry, i'm no longer here. Thank you for being there when you were, thank you for the love when i had it. I want to run away now and turn my back on everything i have.