Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Which Drug Addict are You?


Which Drug Addict Are You?

The Junkie

You overdose on anything and everything you can get hold of. You often become addicted to things nobody knew you could be addicted to before. Friends often abandon you after you raid their medicine cabinets looking for over the counter pills to pop.

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Monday, November 20, 2006

Finding me, no?

After a long time of soul searching i have arrived at the spot i began. which is good i guess in a way. I'm still the same person going to make the same mistakes in life.

I am what i am, and no matter how much a situation comes and breaks me down to the minimum, i'm still fixable, and i'm still me. In my quest for answers i've done many things, most of which only one person knows, usually they are different people. Not much mood swings lately which is good, i dont think i'm really depressed and in any insane state of mind. So i guess the last stage of this whole episode is upon me. The conclusion. I guess i still have to decide if i want to live or die.

Make a choice, stick to it. Stick to it beyond the point of stupidity. Even if you know its senseless, painful, and completely unnecessary, follow through. Even when you might be wrong, and there are people telling you theres another way, or give things another chance, follow through. I guess thats what comes out of the choice. I guess every stubborn person has it. The ability to block out everyones opinions, even your own and stick to the choices that they've made.

Its odd to feel me again, to feel the parts of my brain reconnect, like something went right, like your thinking starts to click properly, your personality comes together nicely, and you're you, and maybe you can rely on yourself to do something right.

Well alot has happened lately, i'd like to write it all down, but i cant seem to find the time. Now that i have the time, i dont think i can remmeber them all. I found out what happened to someone i used to love. Someone who really broke my heart when i was younger. Left me for some other guy, and now that guys in my company. I wish she didnt have to go through all that. Its odd that though i havent seen her for years, she still remembers what i look like.

I have experienced waking in the middle of the night badly in need of screaming from fear, but my throat was too parched and sore. all that came out was some weird gargling noise. Too frightened to sleep, too paranoid to open my eyes, i lay in mute silence, the world black, my mouth closed, my body still as corpse, and listened to the endless chirping of crickets, and the vast silence of the night. Yes, i think that silence is a sound, on the grounds that nothing is something.

I was told that i have a strong heart from a doctor i barely knew. She also said i will find no lover for awhile. She said the women in my life will use me and leave me when they've had what they want. This is my life i guess, the ups are insanely high, fantastically magical and beautiful, and the lows are slightly better than being on Saint Catherine's wheel. I think Catherine is a nice name for a girl.

Someones have also chosen to walk out of my life over a game. Like seriously, i'd rather not have to deal with that shit. I am me, and i walk, i dont want to look back, and i give as many chances as it takes for you to convince me that you're not worth it. To convince me that i've done my part in trying to fix things. I am human and i know its in our nature to fuck up time and time again. But to not want to talk things out and fix things, indicates bothering is pointless. And that sound plays in my head, loving the sound of you walking away, and i walk too, it feels like walking the plank a little, at first difficult, then theres this wonderful feeling of freedom. If the wise restraints make men free, then the only reason i know people, is because i'm a pretty restraint person.

I guess the crux of all this is i dont think i'll love another because i dont see the point of building up relationships on that level that wont last. The MO said, dont kill yourself over a girl, that stupid. Wise words but not helpful at all. I dont understand why all he sees is the gender, when its the person i love. Its not just a girl i wanted to tell him, its a person i let into my life, opened my heart to, and shared my dreams, hopes and desires with. A person i took faith with, a person i love who understood me better than i understood myself, who i trusted with my life. I wanted to tell him that nothing can hurt me, nothing ever does. I dont get affected by things that easily, maybe on the outside, i try to show that i'm still human, but on the inside, i'm as steady as a rock. Even more so now, because i know that theres a vast ocean of nothingness within me. I wanted to tell him off and ask him where he got the stupid notion that a girl did this to me. She was more than a girl, she was my best friend, my closest confidant, the better half of my being, the balance in my life, the dark side of the moon that you dont really see, but if you look closely enough completes you. She was the hope of eight years of waiting, she was the faith that i put in god. My life is not pointless because of her, its pointless because my patience is almost at its end. Because as much as i can tell myself to sit and wait for something better, i'm sick and tired of waiting for something that is as unfufilling as bad sex, as empty as a glass of water in a desert and a hole in your mouth where the water just leeks out.

I'm better than this i said once, "jeremy," someone replied, "you're human, of course you think you are". I cant remember if she said you think you are or you are, but i think its better to err on the side of caution. We're all better, we're all cut out for better things, its just sometimes, you wonder, why do anything if theres no reason to do it. Would you rather live a life in fear, in total paranoia and panic, or die while yu're perfectly content with life, i guess i've got two years to decide, and no, its not two years because my NS ends in two years.

What do i want now, nothing, what do i need now, nothing. I'd be alright if i lived or died. Though i cant see life the way i used to anymore, i dont really think i care anymore.

I guess i'm still divided, because the other half wants somebody i love to come, and tell me its alright, and everything can be fixed, and not to brood because it does not become me. Soft reassuring words that fill up the emptiness in my heart, it doesn't matter what they are, as long as they're sincere. Someone who says please trust me, i dont want you to go, we can fix this together, you dont have to be alone anymore. Someone who knows me well, and when i say say "but", she says "i know", and once in awhile, even when i think the buts, she'll know and tell me its alright, you're life is different now.

I guess i'm divided, and i want to be complete. And i'm suffering waiting, waiting for something thats a million miles away. The empty half wants to be whole, warm and full. The full half wants to be empty. I see emptiness is dying because i think the empty part is dead.

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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

A sorry excuse for a post

i'd write but i've been tired and busy much. almost got warded for my psych issues today. a lot of miscommunication and badly planned things gave me an extra night out. I guess it worked out. I know more of what i want now. whether it'll be enough or if i can stop here i'll find out soon. I guess i found home in home again, and its value has somewhat been revalued in my eyes. I love you all, i hope to see you soon.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Commitments

I was rude to you before, I’m sorry. I understand what you’re trying to say. You're the pig, you are committed, and we broke up, and I’ve been waiting to hear this from you for how long, and you wait until now to say it to me, after we've broken up? I'm out of my element now, I break bones for a living, I used to live in the basement. Most days I wear last night’s eyeliner to work, I don’t give a crap what other people think about me. Because I am, I’m happily independent, successful woman, and I like things that way. Only when you say stuff like this, it just makes things too hard, so please, don’t chase me anymore, unless you're ready to catch me.

And we may be surprised by the commitments we are wiling to let slip out of our grasp. Commitments, are complicated.

We may be surprised by the commitments we are willing to make. True commitment takes effort. And sacrifice. Which is why, sometimes, we have to learn the hard way, to choose our commitments very carefully.


A quote from this week's episode of Grey's Anatomy.

I'm running out of time now, so i havent had time to finish this post. If you can guess why i've put this up, what i'm trying to say, or how i feel about commitments, put it in the comments. I'll finish it next week if its still relevant. And yes , this blog is a commitment, which is why i've been unwilling to change the address.

It would be nice to have someone blog and write how they feel for a change. Be back in camp in another eight hours or so. God bless you all. Take care.

P.S. i spent my first book out at home, didnt feel like going out, so if i pull my dissappearing act on you, i'm sorry. I think i need some me time for awhile.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

In the Early Morning Run

I've been introduced to a new kind of music. Army Marching songs. I think it is truly an underrated genre. Marching songs are truly one of the most heart breaking i've heard. My favourite is of course the title of this post. The thing about army songs is, behind all the sentiment behind all the gusto, all the camaraderie, all the bravery. Lies a terrified soldier, thinking of his lover, his family, and closest friends far far away. He marches because its all he knows, he marches onward, and away from the life he once knew. Seeking solace in the mind numbing task that is serving his country with his life.

Behind each and every mundane marching beat, drummed out by the prescision sound of stomping boots, is the devious thought of the things that make us unique. And behind this sense of being a human being, is the even more painful thought that those bits that make you unique, that simple longing to be somewhere else with something that you miss most dearly, is shared equally among each of the soldiers you march side by side with. The devious "under-it-all", your most instinctive fears, and the things that you're most afraid to lose are shared in a most uniform manner among your fellow comarades.

There is this common theme in army songs. Quite alot of them talk about how the distance tears lovers apart. Being far away, booked in, unable to leave and be close by to offer support to the ones you love. I'd assume most people think of this of a physical distance. I believe the distance to be more of an emotional thing. Living in the army is like taking pieces and parts from my secondary school days and lumping them together into some great primordial stew, the existential boliling pot for the formulation of my later years. There are no men in the army, only boys, instead of toys they have guns, instead of fun and games they have PT, and you can almost have that idealism again, because the social rules of army life are so different from the real world.

When you go to the army you're forced to grow, to learn to think and live a certain way. There are some who are always thinking of home, of the place they'd rather be. Somehow in the army you have to give that up, or you'll feel like suicide. In the army you grow apart, because you're forced to grow, and to be more of a man, less of a human being. Maybe somebody will be able to love me for the man that i am, not the person that i once was.

Heres some of the lyrics, thanks mutton. I'll fill in the rest the next time i book out.

in the early morning run
with my full pack on my back
and my shirt is full of sweat
and the aching in my heart
im a long long way from home
and i miss my lover so
in the early morning run
when the cold wind blows
i know i know,
you have to go
so hurry back home
cause i miss you so