Watching Love grow, Forever.

I am in love with ceremony. It's been on repeat since I saw Marie Antoinette. Events unnerve me. Simple ironies, far too complex to be coincidence. pieces of the past running after me, never allowing me to forget. Things that should be but aren't certainty that isn't really certain. Who says any of this has to make sense. We just want it to, because if they do we can believe in ourselves just a little bit more.

The priest who had accompanied her whispered, "This is the moment, Madame, to arm yourself with courage." Marie Antoinette turned to look at him and smiled, "Courage? The moment when my troubles are going to end is not the moment when my courage is going to fail me."

I went shopping, that made me feel a little happier. Oh well a lot actually. I really enjoyed today, it was perfect. Its all sorted out for the time being, tomorrow things might "unsort" themselves, but right now things are peachy. Walking shopping and spending more than i can afford is becoming a very bad habit. Whatever. Whatever works. Whatever makes you happy. Whatever it takes to live with yourself.

I wonder why it strikes such a chord. Probably because its the person I'm turning into. I feel like I loved you a lifetime ago. Things have changed, and I finally bought a pink shirt. I wish "you", the you I knew then were around to smile and say you're wearing that tomorrow. I wish I'd stop breaking, promises to myself. Even when theres nothing left, not even the whiff of a memory to cling on to. I wish for so many impossible things. I wish I believed in the impossible.

This is why events unnerve me,
They find it all, a different story,
Notice whom for wheels are turning,
Turn again and turn towards this time,
All she asks the strength to hold me,
Then again the same old story,
World will travel, oh so quickly,
Travel first and lean towards this time.

Oh, Ill break them down, no mercy shown,
Heaven knows, its got to be this time,
Watching her, these things she said,
The times she cried,
Too frail to wake this time.

Oh Ill break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, its got to be this time,
Avenues all lined with trees,
Picture me and then you start watching,
Watching forever, forever,
Watching love grow, forever,
Letting me know, forever.

I know this is not right, and his is not healthy, and this is not good for me. But indulge me one last time my lover and deepest confidante. I will let this go. I will believe in the possible, I will believe in things like common sense instead of the power of an individual to change his perception and reality, in relations instead of relationships, I will believe in life instead of Life, I will believe in me and not Us. I will not be able to believe in mercy, but it'll be alright, i cant always do what I believe is right. I'm sorry darling, I've changed so much and riddled your pages with too many irrelevant truths. Burdened your spaces with too many words. I'll move on soon enough but, you always will be the best.

"Pardonnez-moi, monsieur"

For now, words of dying people seem to make the most sense. Its not kitsch, its not pop, its something that will forever ring in our souls. Last words, last thoughts, lasting impressions and lasting endless nights.

"I am weak, all my life I've felt weak compared to other people. If they want to crush me, they can- but I know I can do things that other people can't"

I Don't Like It Like This / I Wanted You To Feel The Same

"words fail me all the time
I don’t even feel like talking
still I go on and on
I’m dying here and you keep walking

why are you asking me this?
can’t you see I’m trying?
I don’t like it like this
no I think I’m dying

I can’t calm down at all
panic is what panic feels like
can’t we just stay silent?
speaking now seems far too violent

why are you asking me this?
can’t you see I’m trying?
I don’t like it like this
no I think I’m dying"

The Bitter-sweet irony caught up with me. The words, the images the smallest things, that tear me up inside. Sometime earlier I said I don't know what this feels like. Deep down inside I remember, I absolutely refuse to admit it, I hate it, I'd much rather die than cry. Ironic day. I need to sleep, and as i mold my face into my pillow, all I'm asking myself is how things turned out this way. This seems to be the question of the century.

If you want to know, put the pieces together. Its half and half, I feel as divided as I always do. It was Marie Antoinette, and the sweet cake they ate. It was feeling something, when i cannot make head or tail of what to feel. Its the indecision, the uncertainty, the lesser of two evils. Its the paradox, between the lie and the truth. Its the blasphemy on my bitter lips. Its the beat, the music, the rush, of things i will never admit. I love irony, I love bitter sweet, I love a lot of things...

I don't need to have it just because I love it. I need a plastic smile, to be unable to speak from the heart, just because its an organ I cannot find it. I need to numb out, fall into infinity, and
pretend,
pretend like
I don't care.

"I sometimes got so tired of our game
I wanted you to feel the same
And did I say I liked you on the plane?
I wanted you you to feel the same

I wanted you you to feel the same

It breaks my heart to say that when I was in pain
I wanted you to feel the same
But nothing gets you really
It's a shame
I can't believe you didn't feel a thing

I wanted you you to feel the same"

I'm tired of feeling lonely

Play Tough

Play tough Baby, 10 more posts left. Take a listen to the song i absolutely adore it right now

Pure

I am so lazy to write. I imagined this post yesterday, or was it the day before. Its about purity. Its about songs like Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, by the Beatles, and Semi-Charmed Life, by Third Eye Blind, Kellie by the favorite Last Transmission (which allegedly was an accident) and that favorite children's classic, Puff, the Magic Dragon, by Peter Paul and Mary. If you haven't guessed yet, the last one was a dead give away. Why am I thinking about it, because I'm thinking about the Music, Escapism, Life in general, because everywhere I go i see signs, At MOS, at ZOUK, okay well its mostly the clubs. I remember one that said, Lose yourself to the Music, not to _____. Of course theres that one that always amused me in the toilet of e-games.

night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows
perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
as daydreams slide to colour from shadow
picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
and i love you

If you still haven't guessed, think Train Spotting, and I'm not talking about Ewan McGregor's flaccid dick. Think Requiem for a Dream, and I'm again not talking (for the sake of the male audience) about Ass2Ass.

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

Is this really about drugs? I think not. Its about wanting something more, wanting to shiver, wanting to buzz, wanting to feel like the center of the universe, wanting to for one second NOT CARE. I don't believe drugs kill people, I believe Drug abuse kills people. Its the difference between a quiet drink and a raging alcoholic bent on world domination. Throw the TV's out the windows, beat the wife, randomly beat up people in the street. Whats the difference.

dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings not reasons, can make you decide
as leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden, their moonlit delights
and i love you

Did you not sell your dreams? Did you not wake up at some point and say Fuck this Shit, I'm better than this. Maybe I'm myopic in this, I'm unable to see the bigger picture. I'm unable to answer the why question. Love, you're wearing your friends out. Why haven't you called? I miss you, i'm confused, I'm torn and stretched. I need you, your advice, your kind understanding. Where have you gone, I need you.

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learn't to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

Sometimes i wonder what happened. The Neon Lights, that sucked our souls out. We were beautiful, full, and full of promise we were smart, too smart or our own good, look at what happened. All those things i wanted before, the jealous people took them away, now i feel cold and empty inside just like them. My believe in God, in eternity, in forever, in myself, has been irreparably shattered. Did I do this to myself? Did I when i gave up fighting? Did I when i decided conflict was not the way? When i said enough is enough and sat down and refused to play? I don't think i can ever be the way i was before. I don't think you need drugs to get into this state. Somewhere a memory flashes, and a very brief conversation of some old school rocker stoned out on Valium plays out. God, did you abandon me, or did i abandon you. Who knows comes the silent reply. Who ever does.

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
I'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you

Theres also the difference in love. It used to be so simple, now it isn't. Watching young people profess their love makes my stomach turn. Those countless I love yous' I said when i was 16 don't have anymore meaning for me. Those countless I love yous' I said when i was 21 don't have anymore meaning for me as well. I cant look at you with starry eyes, i cant tell you something and believe what i told you is true. I cant find the stardust that i was made of in me anymore. I became flesh and blood, earth and mud.

if love's the truth then look no lies
and let me swim around your eyes
I've found a place I'll never leave
shut my mouth and just believe
love is the truth i realize
not a stream of pretty lies
to use us up and waste our time

Better than iron and lead. Watching horror flicks sometimes i wonder, what goes through the mind of a killer. How does one commit such atrocities. How does one look at a corpse and come to terms that the pile of meat standing there before you was a full fledged person only moments before. With a beating heart and dying dreams. Is murder mercy? Its not the same as butchery, because we have been brought up to believe that animals have no souls, no intelligence, no hopes, no dreams, no reason for being, no one who loves them, no one they have to care for, they do because they are, and their existence is nothing because they do not think. The death of a human, is mourned, it is missed, and somewhere we believe will change the entire course of the world. Sliding Doors, and butterflies that start hurricanes again. Did we become human when we learnt to cry? When we learnt to understand loss, did that give us an understanding of our own importance? I believe murders look at people as pieces of meat. Depressed people look at themselves as pieces of meat, the similarities are astounding.

lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

The dilemma is simple. I have a choice, and I want both equally for opposite reasons. Ok so i am haunted by opposite extremes. Back to drugs, herein lies the question, should i lose myself in something again? Gods I'm stupid. Its a dumb question because i already have. The real question is. Can i trust myself? I have no intention to rely on anyone, because at this point i have to come to terms with me needing to be more independent. What this means to everybody in my life is 90% of you are expandable. with the exception of less than five. I'd like to say 23 but that'd be a gross exaggeration.

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
I'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
pure and simple just for you

I think I'm going to lose myself in the music for awhile before i decide. There are tow kinds of songs as far as this post is concerned. The other ones are Black Balloon by the Goo Goo Dolls, and Under the Bridge by All Saints (haha bad joke, RHCP's the correct band). All Saints are full of shit they got no talent. If you're wondering Pure is By the Lightning Seeds.

Everything I Own

You sheltered me from harm.
Kept me warm, kept me warm
You gave my life to me
Set me free, Set me free
The finest years I ever knew
were all the years I had with you

I would give anything I own,
Give up me life, my heart, my home.
I would give everything I own,
just to have you back again.

You taught me how to love,
What its of, what its of.
You never said too much,
but still you showed the way,
and I knew from watching you.
Nobody else could ever know
the part of me that can't let go.

I would give anything I own,
Give up me life, my heart, my home.
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again.

Is there someone you know,
you're loving them so,
but taking them all for granted.
You may lose them one day,
someone takes them away,
and they don't hear the words you long to say

I would give anything I own,
Give up me life, my heart, my home.
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again.

What Sarah said

What Sarah said. Its odd the way I arrived at this question. As i always believe the answer is asking the right question. Right now this is the right question. Sarah said, and I believe that to be true. I think when you've got it, everything will be fine. I thought long and hard about it, Lyrics from Joni Mitchell run through my head, If you care don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

If you cant remember this blog is ending soon, I'm thinking of keeping it as a photo blog, I plan to take photos in the future. Speaking of photos, somebody promised to make a photo whore out of me.

Jeremy says, I don't believe in coincidence, I believe that life truly and honestly hates me. If you had met me at some other time and some other place, I would most definitely love you. This is not the part of my life for love. I'm still give myself away too easily. I'll love when i can't.

It aint me babe

Shusssh. silly boy. There are people listening. todays song is It ain't me Babe, By Bob Dylan.

And i'm getting At First light someone finally upped it.

Go 'way from my window,
Leave at your own chosen speed.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I'm not the one you need.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Never weak but always strong,
To protect you an' defend you
Whether you are right or wrong,
Someone to open each and every door,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go lightly from the ledge, babe,
Go lightly on the ground.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I will only let you down.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who will promise never to part,
Someone to close his eyes for you,
Someone to close his heart,
Someone who will die for you an' more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go melt back into the night, babe,
Everything inside is made of stone.
There's nothing in here moving
An' anyway I'm not alone.
You say you're looking for someone
Who'll pick you up each time you fall,
To gather flowers constantly
An' to come each time you call,
A lover for your life an' nothing more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Something Wicked this way comes

Colder, Stronger, Faster, Harder, Treat others the way you want to be treated, Do onto others, and Judge Not.

I feel threatened. I don't like being threatened. i like being the underdog. I want my killer instincts back. I want to be able to react quickly. I want to make the right choice. I don't want to be soft. I want to look you in the eye and tell you, I don't care what you do to me, but you sure as hell are going to care what i do to you. I want revenge, I want you to suffer. I want to make sure you see your entire life flashes before your eyes, and just before it hits you that the future is not worth living for, I want you to curse my name, i want you to curse the day you met me, I want you to live the rest of your life having nightmares of me. I want you.

I received the best compliment i ever could recently, someone said i was patient. Patience to me is one of the most important virtues. Usually i don't see the point of bearing a grudge, I don't see the point of being angry with someone or engaging in a conflict. I believe that most things can be settled with honest, heartfelt, conversation. It must be naive of me. To believe that two adults can talk things out, and accept that life isn't all about what you want. You, are a threat to my ideology, a threat to the way i think, my way of life and the things i believe in. In the words of John Lennon, First you must learn to smile as you kill. I would very much like to see you reach the point where you want to end your own life.

It would make me smile, so please, let me kill you.