Love will tear us apart, again

This is the mental soundtrack I have to Neil Gaiman's Sandman. I remember being so badly torn apart I wanted just anything to keep my mind off things. So I read. For three days, I sat and read, everything. The complex plot, the misunderstood villains. The morality, that got so warped it made more sense than right or wrong.

I think thats the part I liked about it the most, it shone because it showed, life is not as simple as right or wrong. A good choice or a bad one. Rather action and reaction, both good and bad in itself. I was so torn apart, I remember distraction keeping me sane. That droning voice singing how love will tear us apart. I felt it wasn't just love in the sense of the romantic with somebody in mind. It seemed like he was saying our love for life, to experience everything in its entirety the magnificent ups and downs, the feather-light highs and the ball and chain lows. To experience and look at in that "close-your-mouth-or-a-fly-will-come-in" kind of way. The sheer amazement only a five year old can manage. I actually like it when people call me boy. At some point society tried to change me into a man. All the wonder and colour of life drained slowly after that. I believe in love. At least a tiny bit of me does. Like a star, it's dense, and it holds me together. In this analogy, i'd rather implode than explode. Become a blackhole.

torn

Guilt makes the world a better place. I hate myself.

Sex and Breakfast

I don't really know. How to act, how to react and how to feel anymore. It's ironic. That I have to work with the navy so much. That when I want affection so much, the angle it comes from is something I have to hold out against. That my heart breaks so easily when I'm so numb inside. That I hurt so much, when I've got nothing to be upset for. That I'm tired of life, yet bounce around in the things that I do. That I still want to be friends with you, even though you break my heart.

In another time

I really don't like it when people ask me how I am. I never know how to respond. Every time I say I'm fine, or good, it makes me sick inside.

Why does it have to be so hard? Its true, love and care is just not enough. There has to be some self preservation somewhere. I grow tired of the charade. Communication in guesses and silence. An empty feeling, a lonely gesture, and I'm worn.

It was nice to see you smile.

In perfect love and perfect trust

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

Ignorance is bliss, knowledge is power, with great power comes great responsibility, with great responsibility comes great guilt.

If anything ever made us human, it is in our capacity to feel guilt. Our ability to "know better" forces us into a position to do better. We are thrust into understanding, and action. By the laws of the universe, every action creates an equal and opposite reaction. High up on our pedestals, we try to rationalise the actions we make with the cost they produce. With enough knowledge, every cost magnifies, and every action seems an action in futility.

Eventually we reach the point of why bother. What lasts forever? What lasts long enough? What do I value.

When people ask me if I am happy, I never know how to answer. I am though what I sought to be. I am content, and I am alright with things just the way they are. With this path I'm going down. It's not easy, it's painful, and sometimes it rips me apart. I believe it's worth something, to be a better human being.

Let me be pure,
Let me be sweet,
Let me be graceful in the face of defeat.

I'm not perfect, but I would like to be.

anthems for a seventeen year-old girl

Is it just girls, or what it means to be Seventeen. Thinking about things that don't really mean anything. We want to be loved. Some of us by someone. Some of us by everyone. Think about me. think about what I'm saying, think about me, because I'm thinking about you. If I think about you really hard, you'll think about me as well. Maybe, something will go right, the way it was meant to go.

I think about you, I wait for you. Sometimes I feel like we share a moment. You think and feel exactly the same thing as I do. You say the worlds off the tip of my tongue, you complete everything that should go the way it does. I don't believe in a lot of things anymore. Sometimes when we talk, I believe in magic again.

Used to be one of the rotten ones and he liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and he liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.

Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.
Can't you come back?

Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.

Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.

Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under my window.

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

Park that car, drop that phone.
Park that car, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone.
Park that car, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone.

Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.

Being around you make me remember why I hate it so much when I start liking somebody. I'm not seventeen anymore. I don't believe in people anymore. I don't have space and time in my life enough to let someone in. Awhile longer, I'd like to be single. I'd like to be able to love my self. Just a little while longer. Dream about me, sleep on the floor, drop that phone, park that car, dream about me, dream about me, dream...