If She Wants me

I wrote a letter on a nothing day.
I asked somebody, “Could you send my letter away?”
“You are too young to put all of your hopes in just one envelope.”

I said goodbye to someone that I love.
It’s not just me, I tell you it’s the both of us.
And it was hard,
Like coming off the pills that you take to stay happy.

Someone above has seen me do alright.
Someone above is looking with a tender eye.
Upon your face, you may think you’re alone but you may think again.

If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.

And far away somebody read the letter.
He condescends to read the words I wrote about him.
And if he smiles, it’s no more than a genius deserves
For all your curious nerve and your passion.

I’m going deaf, you’re growing melancholy.
Things fall apart, I don’t know why we bother at all.
But life is good and it’s always worth living at least for a while.

If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.

If you think to yourself, “What should I do now?”
Than take the baton, and girl, you better run with it.
'Cause there is no point in standing in the past cause it’s over and done with.

I took a book and went into the forest.
I climbed the hill, I wanted to look down on you.
But all I saw was twenty miles of wilderness so I went home.

If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.

If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy.
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.
On second thoughts, I’d rather hang around and be there with my best friend,
If she wants me.
If she wants me, yeah.
If she wants me, yeah.
If she wants me, yeah.

Bewitched, Bothered, And Bewildered

After one whole quart of brandy
Like a daisy, I'm awake
With no Bromo-Seltzer handy
I don't even shake

Men are not a new sensation
I've done pretty well I think
But this half-pint imitation
Put me on the blink

I'm wild again, beguiled again
A simpering, whimpering child again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

Couldn't sleep and wouldn't sleep
When love came and told me, I shouldn't sleep
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

Lost my heart, but what of it
He is cold I agree
He can laugh, but I love it
Although the laugh's on me

I'll sing to him, each spring to him
And long, for the day when I'll cling to him
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

He's a fool and don't I know it
But a fool can have his charms
I'm in love and don't I show it
Like a babe in arms

Love's the same old sad sensation
Lately I've not slept a wink
Since this half-pint imitation
Put me on the blink

I've sinned a lot, I'm mean a lot
But I'm like sweet seventeen a lot
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

I'll sing to him, each spring to him
And worship the trousers that cling to him
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

When he talks, he is seeking
Words to get off his chest
Horizontally speaking, he's at his very best

Vexed again, perplexed again
Thank God, I can be oversexed again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

Wise at last, my eyes at last,
Are cutting you down to your size at last
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more

Burned a lot, but learned a lot
And now you are broke, so you earned a lot
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more

Couldn't eat, was dispeptic
Life was so hard to bear
Now my heart's antiseptic
Since you moved out of there

Romance, finis.
Your chance, finis.
Those ants that invaded my pants, finis.
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more

A jolly Christmas rant

I hope somebody liked the poem in the last post, because i did.

Its come to that time of year, the one where i really dislike the most. Because its fake, like branded bags in some back alley of some asian country. Actually, it doesn't even have to be a back alley, just the other day i saw some guy selling bags in the middle of orchard under pass.

There comes a time when i wonder what is real. This tormented time, is what i like to call between monday and sunday. Sometimes we never know whats real, so we use this cross out whats not method.

Christmas is fake because
Jesus, though he might not be the reason for the season was not born on christmas day.
Christmas is not really a religious holiday, because its all about what i'm going to buy for the people i care about.
Its that time of year, where we pretend to care about the people we're with.
Nobody really knows what defines the term "somebody they are about"
We give it all up for the guy who "died for my sins"
And i feel the weight of it because, i did not let jesus into my heart.
Damm those christians who think vindication from their sins means absolution of their sins.
Almost cultishly believe that sin is not part of human nature.
If we were not made to sin, even in this piss hole of a world, there'd be probably at least one guy who has never commited a sin by every moral standard.
Just because you believe you're free from sin, and should spend the bloody holidays enjoying yourselves getting drunk laid and happily guilt free, probably means you should.
Well not me, i'm off to enjoy being happily self destructive, purging myself of this wide eyed fast fix, indulging in a healthy dose of R(A)ted cynicism.
Be that healthy cynical adult society so demands.
Morph into the cliche i hate so much, didnt you remember? You Are What You Hate.

haha that was nice, i guess i'm all steeled up for christmas, and new years.

Actually you know what else is funny, people seem to compare other peoples sufferings to other people (never their own (well seldom)). Like "how are you suffering? there are so many starving/uncared for/terminally ill children in the world". Why didn't any church every point out "How did jesus suffer, there were so many other horrible ways to die?" I guess its because he took the weight of the worlds sins on his shoulders. You know, i really wonder who came up with that idea, well christianity has a pretty bloody past, so its probably hard to tell. But it must be really wonderful to breathe freedom when you dont deaserve it, its like candy from a baby, or free food from somebody you hate whos obligated to give it to you. Its like revenge, litost, its like something has gone divinely "your way", its like winning the lottery, and that overwhelming sense of independence, knowing that you dont need anyone for that second, you're on top. Its the most beautiful feeling in the world, crushing somebody eles dreams, its almost like a dream itself. But thats not real, because the lottery money will run out, the free dinner will be over, and that baby might gorw up to be some body building freak that might smash your head in when you're old, alone, and in pain from the artharitis.

I'm sorry if its a dark post, but tis a dark season, streets covered in red, and green like the post scene from some alien versus human bloodbath. The reality of the season is those people who have nothing left, because everybody at some point had something. Eventually everything fades, its those people who had a chance to have something that lasted, curled up in a dark corner away from the lights, beating themselves up for throwing something that mattered away for the glimmer of something better. Those people really feel the christmas cheer the most, because they're not drunk on it. Those people know the best what christmas means, because its more than lights and endless boozing, its the recgonition that our deserts might one day be, Just, and our freedom, peace of mind, and happiness is not to be taken for granted. Its knowing that Jesus might be able to take away our sins, but their still ours, and like our babies, leave our hands stained with blood, the ugly picture might be gone, but the memory remains (if you're having such a hard time grasping this, consider why its still debated whether the Holocaust actually happened).

Dont just write me off as some psychotic neurotic fool, try to understand this first.

Real

The games that we played
The life that we made
The truths that once, meant something
All thats become in the words that mixed muddled minds
Is the pultrid pungent stench of meaningless chiches
The beauty is lost the beast that was found
The turn of an unfriendly century
What now I have known, the raving moon she bows low
Is time that passes in the loudests of silence
Then we bow till we break we gamble and trade
For the life that we played
And the games that we made
For the travesty that once, meant something

idk

Music:
One and Only by Teitur
Rescue Me by Rachhel Robinson

I dont feel so good sigh. i hope it passes soon. shoo!

My Super Ex-girlfriend

Haha. I cant believe i watched it. A little ashamed, i mean Uma Thurman (ick), but what i'm even more ashamed to say is it was pretty good for a trashy movie.

I have three great reasons to watch My Super Ex-girlfriend, Uma is one fucking crazy bitch, the soundtrack is pretty damm good, and EDDIE IZZARD. Ok he doesn't play that big a role in the flick but Eddie Izzard is Eddie Izzard, my second favourite homosexual cross dresser.

Thrashy at best, but the soundtrack and crazy chicks do it for me.

Theres alot to say, no words and not enough reasons to say it, and alot of deleted posts later i got this. I want to smile live and find something meaningful. Its more than the moments, maybe one day i'll find something that will last through all the moments, and be a constant reminder in my life. Of what i've been through and who I am. So with enough hope i wont lose track.

Life happens when you're busy making plans, a certain John said, and the difference between fools and idiots, is that fools are passionate, said a certain someone who likes making fun of a certain (different) John (the one that does his SBJ like an aeroplane "Weeee").

The funniest thing happened today. I was at Shans place with Bear, and Bear said Shan can you play me that jazzy tune you did the last time, you know the one with lyrics.

Said Jazzy tune turned out to be the first jazzy tune that poped into my head, said jazzy tune is not by anyone really really famous, said jazzy tune remains one of my favourites, though I really cant remember the last time i heard it.

Its funny how i seem to be letting go of everything, forgetting, not caring, and just living my life. Somehow some things i can remember from a life time ago. Somethings i thought i forgot came back to me in the blink of an eye, like the lyrics of a song i heard when i was younger.

Who knows anything, anything at all. The memories twist and fade, so we can live with ourselves. Everybody changes differently, sometimes we just want to be around even though we cant change anything or even if we dont like it. So we can understand one another, so we can say i was there. We stuck around. Life may be full of chance things, but we made this work, through impossible odds, unbearable pain, and lots of stupidity, we can say, I run my life, I have the power to do what I want, I have a say in My Life, maybe thats why i do things, it seems right, but why do i feel like such a shallow prick when i say that.

Well too many of my exes read this (now how did i get here? oh any you're all super by the way) and i'm sure they've each got a theory on my dysfunction as a human being. Everybodys got a theory (i'd like to add that favourite quote from my favourite madman, opinion's like an asshole, everybody has one), even the guy(s) i was sleeping with last month. But (no pun intended), i think everybodys dysfunctional, just a matter of if it affects you or not, so i'm not really bothered.

What The Hell Is Your Major Malfunction, Private Pyle? Its the Jelly Doughnuts! Sir!

If You Leave

If you leave, don't leave now
Please don't take my heart away
Promise me just one more night
Then we'll go our separate ways

We've always had time on our sides
Now it's fading fast
Every second every moment
We've got to--we've gotta make it last

I touch you once I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd still be friends, someday

If you leave I won't cry
I won't waste one single day
But if you leave don't look back
I'll be running the other way

Seven years went under the bridge
Like time standing still
Heaven knows what happens now
You've got to--you've gotta say you will

I touch you once I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd meet again

I touch you once I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd still be friends

I touch you once I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd meet again someday

If you leave
Oh if you leave
Oh if you leave
Don't look back
Don't look back

Popular

(two girls talking over one another)
there comes a time in every girl's life when she's really got to ask herself: "Is she ready to be going steady?"
there comes a time where she's got to ask herself:
"steady or not? Do u really want to be johnny's steady?"
Well, first of all,lets see if dating this one boy Johnny......

Three important rules for breaking up
Don't put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don't make a big production
Don't make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
If you wanna date other people say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you've gone together for only a short time,
And haven't been too serious,
There's still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she prefers the company of others
To your exclusive company,
But if you're honest, and direct,
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you break the news,
The boy will respect you for your frankness,
And honestly he'll apeciate the kind of straight foward manner
In which you told him your decision
Unless he's a real jerk or a cry baby you will remain friends

I'm head of the class
I'm popular
I'm a quarter back
I'm popular
My mom says I'm a catch
I'm popular
I'm never last picked
I got a cheerleader chick

Being attractive is the most important thing there is
If you wanna catch the biggest fish in your pond
You have to be as attractive as possible
Make sure to keep your hair spotless and clean
Wash it at least every two weeks
Once every two weeks
And if you see Johnny football hero in the hall
Tell him he played a great game
Tell him you like his article in the newspaper

I'm the party star
I'm popular
I've got my own car
I'm popular
I'll never get caught
I'm popular
I make football bets
I'm a teachers pet.

I propose we support a one month limit on going steady
I think It will keep you both more able to deal with weird situations
And get to know more people
I think if you're ready to go out with Johnny
Now's the time to tell him about your one month limit
He wont mind he'll apreciate your fresh look on dating
And once you've dated someone else you can date him again
I'm sure he'll like it
Everyone will appreciate it
You're so novel, what a good idea
You can keep your time to your self
You don't need date insurance
You can go out with whoever you want to
Every boy, every boy in the whole world could be yours
If you'll just listen to my plan
THE TEENAGE GUIDE TO POPULARITY

I'm head of the class
I'm popular
I'm a quarter back
I'm popular
My mom says I'm a catch
I'm popular
I'm never last picked
I got a cheerleader chick
I'm the party star
I'm popular
I've got my own car
I'm popular
I'll never get caught
I'm popular
I'm the teacher's pet
I make football bets

Coming Down

I'm finally done with my BMT, and my hundreds of push-ups (I can flex my chest now), Gaiman (the genius) released new stuff, and Muse is coming to Singapore. Its all so perfect, like three things I want are happening at the same time. Stuff i'd really like, like dancing badly on a wednesday night at Mambo.

Somehow the rush passes, the high dissolves, like that fizzy lollipop on the tip of my tongue. A little tired, i return to my computer to escape the mindless chatter of Jason trying to flirt. Love my brothers, yes, give him advice, i could certainly do better than him, but whats the point when we've got our own mistakes to make.

Its odd how Coming Down comes on and i'm in exactly that mood. I feel moody, strangely hollow. When i have time for myself, when i do an emotional stock take, somethings always missing.

I guess everytime i sit here and write, i'm trying to achive the same linguistic and rythmic eloquence as David Grey. Everytime I sit here, and type away, i get far away from everyone else, and slowly come down on my own.

Everybodys working, busy, tired, older, responsible, and paid for. Nobody really has time for other people anymore, it always has to be other people and somehing at the very least. In my heart, i guess thats why i dislike this world so much, because its so full of agenda. And i'm so tired of putting myself out there, just to have a place in the life of somebody i care about.

Tears falling slow
from the bridge
into the river below
in your eyes, I start to see
a starry veil,
the ocean of infinity

Moon and stars above me
mingle with the blood
inside my vein
these empty arms
that should be
holding you close
through nights of winter rain
I’m trying to spell
what only the wind can explain
it's colder than ever
coming down

I’m drowning in shallows
cos its in so deep
there's neon melting in the rain
took too much powder too sleep
cos when I hold you naked
when I hear you laugh
I got a sword to stem the rivers
and cut the moon in half

Frozen stars above me
mingle with the blood
inside my vein
empty arms that should be
holding you close
through nights of winter rain
I’m trying to spell
what only the wind can explain
it's colder than ever
coming down

We danced wild
kicked off our shoes
not a cloud
in the skies to confuse
now the sky is cold
the sea is wide
and there's nothing to be done
'cept reflecting the sun
and scratching the mountainside

Frozen stars above me
mingle with the blood
inside my vein
empty arms that should be
holding you close
through nights of winter rain
I’m trying to spell
what only the wind can explain
it's colder than ever
coming down

Oooo! Seductive...

Je pense, donc je suis

I used to wonder. Now, i guess i dont anymore. Somewheres along the line i decided to try this life thing. I thought it would take a longer time to decide, but i guess when you're faced with the do or die situation, ultimately you know what you would choose.

Sometimes the memories hold you back. Usually its the hope, a second chance, a regret that you hope might one day be set right. So far i've lived with few regrets. Almost none. Once in awhile, i'm faced with some situation where the cognitive dissonance is too much for me to bear, and my life, my world crumbles under the weight of it.

I've been trying to figure out how many things i love. How much in this life is important to me. I've been alone for a very long time, and i'm falling back on my habits of solitude. I live in my own world with my own rules, disconnecting from everything until i've got almost nthing left. Maybe its rotting, on the flip side, sometimes i think its just getting rid of junk, throwing away the unnecessary baggage.

I guess the faceless stranger in my bunk has taught me something. That I want to live. Sometimes i feel like talking to it. And i suppress that curious side of me that wants to find out whats after life. Sometimes i want to tell it to stop making such a racket, and i suppress that irritable arrogant side of me that keeps getting me in trouble. I guess no matter what happens i'm still the same person. I just learn how to keep things in better, how to not show myself too much, how to hide enough away so i stop thinking about it. Especially the things that dont make me smile.

Well, i'm actually shocked can do that many push-ups. I'm even more shocked that dispite doing a hundred push ups in two hours i can do only three pull ups. My sanity has been saved by anxiety boy's magic sweets. I sleep better at night when i dont dream or wake up. Though its odd that my body is magically immune to sleeping at night. Maybe not immune but very resisitant.

For now, i want to fix my life. I dont want to be happy just yet, i'll concenterate on sane first.

I had alot of witty things to say, alot of obversations to write down. But somehow its not so important now. I think i'll have to just do, and try my best to remember, instead of writing it down and forgetting.

If anybody cares, i'm fine. I'm starting to feel more like the little engine that could with every passing day. My heart is finally fixing, and with enough hope i'll live through the rest of this only to go through it again. I dont think the drama if 2005 will ever be forgotten, but i hope the people who were affected by it can forgive me for that.

Its not really time that heals, its sleep, forgiveness, and enough life threatening situations that eventually brings you to the point where you start to realise what is sane and what is not. As well as how much, despite the foolhardyness, you dont want to die.

I still believe in kharma, i still do not like change, and sometimes i still hope that something might go right. Like a fairy tale ending, like a real truth, like a journey with a destination. Sometimes i know this is too much to ask for. And everyday as i begin to fix, i realise i hope because i'm human.

I think therefore I am.