I believe, in you

It's not like I have a choice. It's not like things are the same. Things have changed. I'm a different person, worn down by cynicism. I feel so little, and very few people can tell me "this is you" without me being severely pissed off. You think you know me, you think you get it, what I'm after, what I want, what I need, and how I feel about you. Only 2 people get it right. Mostly i just nod is agreement because its easier than explaining the alternative. I hate thinking, I hate trying to figure out how someone feels, i have enough problems with myself. You do it effortlessly. Where so many have tried and failed, you didn't even try, yet you seemed to say all the things i needed to hear in exactly the way i needed to hear them. To me you're perfect, you're my million in one person. you mean more to me than anything in the world, and everyone pales in comparison to you. I love you more than anyone, and i don't need to make you to be fulfilled of my existential angst. I just need to know that you're happy, and i will be happy for you. I know i need more from you than you can give, but its alright. I'm not asking, I hate asking, and i appreciate when things are given freely.

Coming home, coming down and calming down.

Say you love me.

I don't care if you mean it. I don't care if you even do in the slightest sense. I don't care if its pathetic. I don't care if you can never look at me the same way again.

Some part of me still craves: Affection, Intimacy, Tenderness, because I am human, still almost human. Is that what separates us from the animals? Do dolphins have souls? Do we love, or is it just a biological need?

Such is the burden of a developed consciousness. Of course many things confuse the pot. Like sheep shaggers, and inter-species erotica, and people who live their lives dying a virgin. There were probably 11 commandments, the last being thou shalt not love thy cow. Moses got down the mountain, saw these people worshiping a golden cow, flew into a rage, destroyed the cow, and let out a sigh of relief. "Lord," he probably said, "it is taken care of!" The lord being the lord of mysteries did not enlighten Moses on the discovery of New Zealand many years later, and the issue was laid to rest, on a slightly hardened greenish sheepskin carpet.

There are other mysteries we were built with. Such as the differences between men and women. It is something we have never been able to measure, men don't know what women want, and women don't really get men either. No matter where we're born, men and women speak a different language, an extreme example would be French or Japanese. One of mankind's greatest inventions was measurement, however, its still not perfect. An inch is about the length of a thumb, a foot, about the length of a foot, head, is about two fingers from the top of a glass, depending on the beer you're pouring. All guys like head. Women on the other hand don't (yes its a generalization). Most measurements are a rough estimation, due to things like parallax error, and the world being in constant flux. This was inspired by Bill Cosby trying to figure out what a cubit is. After his son died, he died as well, and a part of the world died with him, there will never be another great comedian like him.

Part of me would like to be loved, part of me would like to be isolated. Part of me would like to live, and part of me would like to end it all. I have to apologize for being vague. I do know what makes me happy, music, art, books, things that are beautiful, life's little ironies, the few people I actually care about. I do know what's missing, my drive, my conviction, my direction and destination. Who's going to drive you home, tonight?

Drive me home sweetheart, hold my cold lifeless body next to yours. Share with me some of your warmth, and blood will stir in my veins once again, my heart will beat once again, my eyes will open, my ears will hear, my tongue will taste the sweetness on your lips. There will be beauty in the world once again, the eternal kind of beauty, the kind without cynical critics who love the sound of their own voice above all. There will be you and I, in a moment, the closest to eternity and god any human can ever hope to achieve.

Say you love me.

Who Really Gets Away With One?

Your Birthdate: February 18

For you, love is a feeling that lingers for really long time - even after a relationship is totally over. In fact, you still make have strong feelings for the first person you fell in love with. You usually are reluctant to end relationships. And sometimes you're the last to know that things are ending! Number of True Loves You'll Have: 4 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 1 You are most compatible with people born on the 9th, 18th, and 27th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

The Beast

Been busy, hanging out with old friends. Been tired, and severely hung over. And i am, Colder and Harder. Stronger? I'm not sure. Something wicked this way comes, jingles in each step, clang, like the clock tower hitting high noon with two lone gunmen backs to each other. In the middle of chaos is order, and in the middle of order, is chaos. Such is the way of the universe. A chaotic paradox, within a simple repeated pattern.

Please don't test my patience, making me feel guilty, or bad, appealing to my "humanity", or asking me what I really think. I am short tempered, oversensitive, and not very good company. Stop! You don't get to judge me, only I do. I made this, not you. When the other half of me asked for you to help it stop, nobody replied. I think i know who won. Mr Hyde.

Only a well weathered sense of restraint stops me from telling you what I think of you. And how un-forgiven you are. And how much I would like you to suffer, because I think you need it, because you deserve it. How much your fear disgusts me. I know I'm free, because I can see your chains. I know I'm free because instead of thinking I should help, I cant help but manage a sadistic smile while watching you squirm under the weight of it all.

When I was kinder, i once tried to make someone feel better. He turned and told me not to; because he wouldn't feel sorry for me if I were in his shoes. I never understood why somebody would feel destructive around me, now I do. When you die, remember me. Think about how futile it is when you do, because the last thing my mind would be on is you.

It's not Us and Them anymore, it's I and Nothing else. How to be dead? Hurt until you cannot feel anything anymore, run a rasp across your nerves until you don't have any. Torture yourself, torture your mind, destroy it.

A Quizzicle? Then what's a Test?

SeYthoN took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "His need to feel more causative and to have a wide..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

The price

Somebody; because it always starts with somebody, coined the term - Ladies of Negotiable Affection. I've come to realise this applies through the board. For simply put, all affection is up for negotiation. I see that some affection is affordable and some is not. Some affection has a clear price tag, and some has unseen hidden costs. Everybody wants something, not everybody says clearly what they want. I believe this is due to the simple human nature that people want more. People want everything - eventually.

Some come to realise that we can't have everything. Some learn to settle. Some learn to give more. Some, never learn. These some, expect the world on a silver platter. Eventually, because things always change, these people learn to adapt, to the situation they're in.

To a certain extent, i think its all about the situation we're in and if we learn to adapt to it. If we do, we move on to the next thing, if we don't, we're stuck in purgatory.

Everything is for sale, if you can afford the price. I cant afford much, though its some sort of consolation most people can't afford me.

Boys Don't Cry

The Cure is coming. If Boys don't cry, what do they do? After all, aren't we human. I do that thing that's like smiling. I used to be pretty good at it. Now I'm not. Sometimes when I feel like it, I remember that I promised myself, I would not cry for anyone anymore. Besides, boys don't cry, we're stone cold and hard inside, we don't feel, we don't regret, we never ask why, and most of all, we'd never take you back.

I'll always be a Boy, and we don't cry.

Vomit Green

Why do souls have a sound. What is it? I think mine has been reduced to an empty rattle. Hollow, clanging, grating on the ears. Are things bad? I don't think so, though i can imagine how they can be better. What do I want? Yeah sorry for the mixed signals. I want to care less about the things I care about. I want to stop feeling like shit over you, You, and YOU. I'll probably never say it to your face. Maybe its a lack of courage. Maybe its because I don't care enough to be honest with you. Probably, because I don't care enough at all. And I still want to care less. I would like to die. To forget. To not exist. I would like to go into my tiny world, and subsist. I believe everyday is new, I believe that everyday we have to create ourselves and believe in ourselves. We have to, or we will cease to exist - eventually. We are the sum of our actions, the sum of the people who believe in us. When that is no more; we do not exist, We are no more. In my privacy, there is music, there is word, and there is an imagination of things that exist only there. If you cared enough, I would share my privacy with you. You would know why and what IS. Is, as opposed to the vague reality that surrounds me. I am inconceivably tired, and wish you would sod off, because I don't have the energy to sustain you in my life. I do, but you're not worth it. If anything, you should congratulate me, for now I truly have a deep hatred for all mankind, and human relationships. All or nothing. If you cannot choose all, I'll choose nothing. Care less Jeremy, because this world is in short supply of it, and nobody is really worth the time. Fuck this, I'm going to numb out.

I'd give it all gladly if our lives could be like that.

Bob Dylan's Dream is one of my favorite Dylan Songs. Dylan is always my best friend when i feel like this. Ironically i was fine yesterday, tonight is gonna be a long night.

She makes love just like a woman, she aches just like a woman, but she breaks just like a little girl.

Ok. First off on my agenda, NOT get drunk. have fun. And remember what you're there for. To have fun. Not to put another bullet through your social circle.

Smoke, breathe in, breathe out.

I'd give it all gladly if our lives could be like that.

I think I'm going to throw up.

Dylan, Dylan, Dylan. Makes it all seem alright, that everything is so conveniently fucked up. He's the man who puts it into perspective. He makes it sound so alright that it is. Thats why i love Dylan, some people just make it seem worse. Its not that I don't appreciate the care and effort, I really do, and it means a lot to me, its just that... . Maybe i'm as ungrateful as you say I am, i am a loner, and i'd much rather be alone mostly, especially now. My distrust towards people is at an all time high. My expectations are still there, its just now i expect to be disappointed as well. Doesn't numb the pain, it just allows me to shout an "I told you so" at myself and get more cynical later. Blame the world, blame the army, blame the people, the situation, but don't blame yourself. Not if you want to live, if you want to carry on this meaningless existence. Forget her.

This Time

This time I need to know
I really must be told
If its over
Its up to you uou know
The things you want to hold
Are in pieces
Crashing down
Crashing down again
Crashing down
Crashing down my freinds
Ive got to move it on
Ive got to sing my song
While I still can
Dispatch the last alarms
Hand out the last few charms
Theres no surprises
Only love
Only love can win
Crashing down
Crashing down again
Only love
Yeah only love will win
Crashing down
Crashing down again
This time I need to know
I really must be told
That its over
Ive lived my life alone
My every step foretold
To never linger
And yet it haunts me so
What are we letting go
Our spell is broken
Crashing down
Crashing down my friends
Crashing down
Crashing down again
Only love
Yeah only love will
Be enough
Yeah only love will win
For every chemical
You trade a piece of your soul
With no return
And who you think you know
Doesnt know you at all
Their drain is needless
Someday well wave hello
And wish wed never waved goodbye
To this romance
Well drink up every line
And shoot up every word
Till theres no more
Crashing down
Crashing down my friends
Only love
Only love can win
So cry these tears well cry as all
Weve held so long to fall apart
As the curtain falls we bid you all goodnight

The difference the meaning and the reason is that we try.

We work in the dark - we do what we can - we give what we have. Our doubt is our passion and our passion is our task. The rest is the madness of art.

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents... some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.

James, and Lovecraft