My mouth is a gape with horror!

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

Damm you bastard diploma!

Who knew a missing diploma could cause so much heartache. Fuck this i should just go kill myself. Why did i read that letter, why did i smell it, why. It started out with my older writings. It moved on to things people had written to me. And my heart is breaking because those people are so far away. Its a damm conspiracy. Right down to the music my i tunes chooses to play when there are 8000 songs to pick and shuffle from. Shuffle karma, incurred for stopping the shuffled songs to hear something you want to.

The price of being a garbage collector is you have to face your entire past if you want to find something from a moment in time.

God damm it, I have no idea why I'm still alive.

The Model

I will confess to you
Because you made me think about the times
You turn the picture on to me and I'll turn over
The picture was a masterpiece of comic timing
But you wouldn't laugh at all
And I wonder what the boy was thinking
The picture was an old collage of something classical
The model with the tragic hair
Because without a doubt he'd given up the fight
The ghost of somebody at his side

I will confess to you
Because I didn't think about the message
As I walked down the alleyway it was a Sunday
And all my friends deserted me because you painted me
As the fraud I really was
And if you think you see with just your eyes you're mad
'Cause Lisa learned a lot from putting on a blindfold
When she knew she had been bad
She met another blind kid at a fancy dress
It was the best sex she ever had

I'll send a dress to you
Because it's needing badly taken in
But I was so embarressed that I missed your party
It was me that paid for it eventually
Because you know how much I wanted
To meet your friend the star of stage and local press
The dream of all the bowlie kids that hang around here
And I'm no different from the rest
I'm not too proud to say that I'm okay with
The girl next door who's famous for showing her chest

You're not impressed by me
But it's a funny way for you to tell me
A whisper in a choir stall
The man was talking about you simultaneously
Frankly, I let my heavy eyelids flutter
Because I have been sleeping badly lately
I know you were historical from all the books I've read
But I thought you could be bluffing
And with this chance I've missed I feel remiss
It's days and months before I see you again

What happens when the heart just stops

And this song is called what happens when the heart just stops this song is about ehm, ehm waking, ehm, waking up, under a bush, in your ex-girlfriend's garden. Uhm, Yeah. This is a song about getting drunk, and forgetting that you don't go out with her anymore. Forgetting that she doesn't love you anymore. So, this is about, needing, being, this is about wanting too much, wanting to be close to someone too much wanting to know where they are all the time, and when they're going out, you're like where're you going or what time will you be back, or, I'll come with you. And its about trying to do the right thing, trying to withdraw, so that you don't love so much, trying to go okay, and in doing so, something inside you just dies, and you turn off, and like all things in life, then she falls in love with you, and you don't care. And its a song of hope...

Its all about that, times and places in your life. Coming up on shuffle on my itunes. I couldn't resist the urge to transcribe it, again (maybe) i forgot. Its ok, I can lie to myself, I can believe something is not true even though i believe it down to the very fiber of my being. I have some hope, I can carry on, even though I don't see the point of it right now. I am strong, I can pretend I don't feel anything even though I am breaking down inside, even when I'm scared, and I'm tired, hurting, crying and don't see the point to anything. I can look you in the eye and tell you that I'm fine.

I know you wont go back, but if you don't go back, I'll never be able to go back as well. The thought of that makes me sad. There is a price to everything, I only wish I knew what your's is.

So what happens when the heart just stops
Stops caring for anyone
The hollow in your chest dries up
And you stop believing

So what happens when the heart gives up
But the body goes on living
The blood crawls to a slow and stops
And flows away

Well we got no-one to meet
No love we would beseech
We only have ourselves to blame for everything
The was no answer in the dust
And I'm missing you so much
And now you're sleeping
And I'm leaving

Empty-handed waiting
Time it will subside and we'll agree
It was a given
Well there was no standard we could set
And the world it does regret
To have to leave you in this state of bereavement

You see I'm feeling everything
Nothing gets by

There is a hollow in my chest
The time I won't forget
There is no comfort in the eyes
They put us always to the test
I can't prepare myself for that
But I work it out in time
There is a love that flows between us
Ever-changing everyday
I worked myself up to a crawl
But I'm not fearing it at all
We have no reason left to stay
And that's why we're leaving
And there was no answer in the dust
And the one I feared to trust
There is a lie that drags us
Beating and pulling into disappointment

I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed
I'm disappointed

It's so late, till you're gone

While I still can

I've come to realize music is not an outlet. Much rather, its an inlet. You let it in, let it infuse itself into your heart. Soak into your soul. Vibrate with the very molecules that comprise you. Love it, buzzing away humming in synchrony with the universe and you.

Once Loved, twice Shunned.
Three times Broken, Four times Charmed.

Sometime when i write, I don't know what I'm writing. Reading it i realize it makes a lot of sense. Writing like this is a medium between my conscious and sub-conscious. One day it'll all add up. One day I'll understand the sum of my actions, and the value of my reactions. The couplet above made more sense in the shower than when i wrote it. After putting it through some deconstructive thinking. Somethings are happening that i'm not too happy about. At least now I have the confidence to do what must be done.

Most people don't know this, about me. That I live like I dance.

Command And Conquer the Aftermath

Sometimes I wonder why its called the aftermath. Why After the math. The sense in my brain says its after all the mathematics. After all the calculated choices, carefully weighed and chosen. After all of that, things still go horribly wrong.

How do you live right in a world that was doomed from the start. Sometimes I even wonder if i should try, or even bother for that matter. Burnt, and worn out. Tired, and indifferent. Our choices determine our life. The most valuable lesson I've received in the recent week is life happens. It happens whether you're ready, whether you're prepared, and whether you stand a chance. The opportunities that are available to us, are the same as everybody else. We start, at more or less the same point, and we branch into a set of infinite possibilities.

The Probability of those choices working out, depend on our development as a person. Because life is not a sprint, its a never ending marathon. We rise to greatness, we speed down the road, but we keep ourselves aware that if we fall, we will have a lot to do just to keep in the race. Everybody falls. Not everybody gets back up. Some take a long time but eventually do. Some lie there, get kicked, trip others up, and never move again.

Sometimes I wonder what I am. It seems obvious, but its not. After all, time travels. It moves, it changes, faster than the speed of light, because light travels in time. Time opens possibilities, possibilities we cannot even dream of, because dreams and thought move at the speed of light.
We are creatures of time, a concept so abstract we may never fathom its true nature. We are after all just three dimensional creatures living in a reality of infinite dimensions.

The question is, did any butterfly ever release havoc in a continent half the world away. Nobody will ever really know, or truly understand the mechanics of that possibility. Down to the individual particle, atom, molecule of air that flows. The possibility makes it alright and respectable to be a butterfly, and in turn, to grow and develop our psyche.

I don't feel like writing

But I will pray for her
I will call her name out loud
I would bleed for her
I only I could see her now

Its lyrics like this that shine. Ok I'm at the point where I will listen. I know they're not good for me, they're not worth a speck of me. Yet I tried. There is no failure if there are no expectations. There is no love if there is no connections. Just like there is no heart if there is no soul. Thanks for the advice.

I have three organs to think with, maybe four. A brain, a penis, a heart, and the intangible soul. Like everything in my life, I like to keep them separated. Because there's not enough blood in my body, and there would be too much confusion.

Going back to I wants, after talking to Nat, Liz and lastly but most importantly Ms Breakfast of Champions. I've reworked what I want, yet again, but as with every time its closer to the truth. I get more real, I feel more certain. Truth. Sometimes i know, there is no truth I'm willing to accept but the undeniable truth of the smile on your lips.

too late to turn back now, i'm running out of sound
and i am changing, changing
and if we died right now, this fool you love somehow
is here with you
i won't deny the pain
i won't deny the change
and should i fall from grace here with you
would you leave me too?

I know you would, but thats just a part of you I've grown to love. I'd rather die, than live without purpose. I'd rather do nothing, than do without direction. I'd rather put the whole world on hold, than carry on without a purpose. I'd rather have nothing, than have almost everything. Its who I am. I exist for the blackest Black, and the whitest White. There is little room or want or need for something that is not defined. An extremist, a purist, and a romantic. I will either flourish or die, and I'm prepared to die. You will never understand me, if you do not come to terms with the fragility of your existence. You will not understand me, because I want nothing but my lover or the ledge. I will be fine if I die in the gutter, old and alone. After all, my mind has been there for as long as I can remember. Though on occasion, it has been with the stars.

After all, is it not natural? For they are the same thing. What are we, if not stardust.

No prizes.

Your Girl Parts Are Named:

Breakfast of Champions

Girl Parts Name Generator

I was bored too much to say too little time or inspiration. This is Hilarious.

Still an ENTP after all these years

You Are An ENTP

The Visionary You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression. You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything. Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off. You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments. In love, you see everything as a grand adventure. You enjoy taking risks for love. And if things don't work out, you're usually not too much worse for the wear! You would make a great entrepreneur, marketing executive, or actor. At work, you need a lot of freedom to pursue your own path and vision. How you see yourself: Analytical, creative, and peaceful When other people don't get you, they see you as: Detached, wishy-washy, and superficial

What's Your Personality Type?