Oh Gutterflower i'll finish this one day

I think i sold my soul for a cuppa. Oh well back to life. Its times like these when those wise words come to mind. All you need to solve your problems / make them manageable are more problems. Sigh... Danny Champion of the world, you are not he. No buck shot in the buttocks.

Swallow all your bitter pills
That’s what makes you beautiful
Your all alive
I don’t need what you ain’t got

I’m torn in peaces
I’m blind and waiting for
My heart is reeling
I’m blind and waiting for you


And all you want is something I can’t be
All you want from me is what you need
And now I’m saying I don’t know

I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

You never know
Some folks think the world just moves too slow
But was it you
Told me I'm your everything you

'Cause lies weigh more than truth
Innocence looks good on you
Now everybody wants to know your name

Comin' down ain't the worst part
It only takes a second
To make a change that's gonna last

But it's over to you
And I can't find the answers when you're gone
And it's over to you
And you can't find the answers where you are

Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out
I'm killin' myself from the inside out
And now my head's been filled with doubt
And stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And I'm not sure where I belong
And no where's home and I'm all wrong
And all the dark and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me


What do you need from me tonight
I feel you look right through me now
I can't pretend it's alright
Maybe we'll find a way somehow
Why do you need to turn it on
Why does it always seem so wrong
What do you need from me tonight
The truth is so complicated now
You feel so free to say

Smash
I heard you crying
Seven times this year
Crash
'Cause now you're smilin'
Holding back those tears

Making me remember when your pushes became shoves
I wanted to come back and show you
Needed to go back
I know it's wrong
I laughed to get along

(You know all I am)
Feel this moment in you
(You know all I am)
Can you teach me to believe in something

The State I'm In

1 13
2 7
3 Sarah
4 Mel
5 Sammy
6 Gavin
7 Jarrod
8 The State I'm In
9 Big Machine
10 Life On Mars?
11 Hide & Seek

My answers. There must be some new form of psychology out. THese online quizes seem to be quite accurate.

GutterFlower

It always struck me how someone once described a flower growing in a concrete pavement, in the middle of a cold winter, in the heart of a cold city. Sometimes beautiful things can happen in impossible situations. Its been a Goo Goo Dolls kinda day lately. Gutterflower is and has always been one of my favourite albums.

Theres a lot to say here, but I don't have the heart to say it. I'm tired of this facade, I'm tired of the lies, and doubting myself. I want to be kind, I want to believe in something greater than me. I want to be whole, I want to make a commitment to something. I know I'm better than this. And I believe I can smile even when I feel like I'm dying inside.

For the price of a cup of tea. Yes. A nice warm cup of tea, two sugars please. You can have my soul.

Sometimes words fail me

Seems like a fine day to post. I feel, something i cant describe. Theres a big IDK looming above the atmosphere. I want to go to sleep but the damm windows are taking forever to install. Poems and other things that i liked are under the fragile things label, other ranting and raving stuff are in vacation in my mind and this new scooters label. Lyrics are in words that haunt my mind. Lyrics are aligned in the centre, in small font, quotations are in quotation marks or small font, or sometimes i expect you the reader to know the difference between what i wrote and what i find inspiring. All in all I have told the second person of my intention of changing this blog. I'm moving on. I promised myself i would, and now i do it whether i like it or not. If you're wondering i both like and dislike it. Why limit yourself to one when you can be greedy and have both. This is post number 181, my new blog will be started by post 200.

I would tell the wole wide world how i feel, but i really don't think anybody cares. So i'll shut up, hope like hell for the best, and take things one step one thing at a time. What else can i do right, i'm only human. Sometimes how human i am becomes painfully apparent, sometimes i have no idea of the concept of what it means to be human.

A metaphorical big W looms above my head, in some bubbly comic font saying "whatever, whatever", ironically losing its metaphorical usefulness. Oh big W what is the meaning of thing existence. "Because Liar, Liar, pants on fire, that's what she said." random Sherene's Closet quote. I need a name for my new desktop. Delilah maybe. Actually after thinking so hard (i.e. the 15 minutes between the full stop after desktop and actually), I think i'll just call her Del, to commemorate the beginning of a new age, the age of Vista, 320MB gfx cards, moving on, and this blog, who was honestly the best sounding board i've had in this last eternity. It listened, when i wrote, it spoke when i needed to listen to myself, and most importantly, it houses alot of memories, both painful and that other thing. It has been with me through delirium and delight

Its decided then, I shall name her Del.

How to be dead.

I-R-High. I didnt break down, I didnt cry. After that night at bar none i swore i wouldnt cry no matter what. so far i've been doing a good job at keeping the tears in no matter what. I am Content. I love and miss you but i will never show it. I am dead inside, dead enough not to care what i feel. Its so much better this way. If i find that i'm not i will continue to stab with reckless abandon. so please dont make me feel alive.

Please don't go crazy, if I tell you the truth
No you don't know what happened
And you never will if
You don't listen to me while I talk to the wall
This blanket is freezing, it's been out in the hall
Where you've had me for hours
Till I'm sure what I want
But darling I want the same thing that I wanted before
So sweetheart tell me what's up I won't stop no way

Please keep your hands down
And stop raising your voice
It's hardly what I'd be doing if you gave me a choice
It's a simple suggestion can you give me sometime
So just say yes or no
Why can't you shoulder the blame
Coz both my shoulders are heavy
From the weight of us both
You're a big boy now so let's not talk about growth
You've not heard a single word I have said...
Oh, my God

Please take it easy it can't all be my fault
I haven't made half the mistakes
That you've listed so far
Oh baby let me explain something
It's all down to drugs
At least I remember taking the and not a lot else
It seems I've stepped over lines
You've drawn again and again
But if the ecstacy's in the wit is definitely out
Dr. Jekyll is wrestling Hyde for my pride

I dont ever want to be in love again. I'd rather jump off a building.

Kiss me on the cheek before you know whats sweet

Great its all coming back to me. Well the difference this time is i can laugh. I can laugh it away. I can care less. I can pretend to smile. I can, and i am willing to. On the bright side is if it gets out of hand, i can take mc. On the down side, they're really nit-picking on the mc taking. i will take what i need and no more than that. The more you take the more you owe anyway.

Oh well. Tonight i'll see. I'll find out if I've learnt well enough to hide how i feel. I WILL smile, even though i think the world is crumbling. Back to square one it is. Once again, though every time i find myself at this square, it gets easier to roll a pair and get out of it.

Snake eyes, seven eleven, don't let me down tonight. For my father was a gambling man down in new Orleans. I'd actually prefer a pop tarting kind of night tonight. I want to dance. I think i'll run off to some small corner and dance. Somewhere away from everyone else, and i can move my body, to the beat... to the tune... to the emptiness of me.

Here upon the altar of truth I sacrifice what's good for you.

Everything falls apart sometimes its Scooters

I wanted to rant. But i decided against it. I choose to feel nothing. Nothing for the words i said. Nothing for the silhouette in my mind where you turn around and walk away. I Choose to believe that no matter what i said it wouldn't have made any difference. So for the first time i told you the truth, because I'm tired to trying to be something i cant be any more for you. No matter how much i want it, i don't think i can have a life with you. It really wasn't easy. to say, to do, to finally admit to myself. I wish things turned out differently. Because i was really happy for that brief moment in time.

Scoot away ex-lover, you're dead to me.

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down...

All Broken Up and Dancing Revisited

I am not that impressed with neon bible. It has yet to make me feel anything. Maybe i should listen to it another time. Today was a Motion City Soundtrack day. I feel very emo kid lately. After MCS i had a good listen to Morrissey. Maybe thats why I'm having hard time feeling very neon bible. Oh then it was Sway by Bic Runga. I wanna go to New Zeland!

I felt like me for the first time in a really long time. By this i mean the side of me that i really really love. And now i'm waiting for it to pass. Everything changes nothing is truly lost, i guess by this it means that that side of me is never truly lost, its just my attitude towards it has changed.

I think its Belle and Sebastian for tomorrow on the way to work. Maybe the Lazy Line Painter Jane EP. Ok, Neon Bible is getting better towards the mid. Or maybe something with Piano, its a good mood for piano. God damm it everybody's disappeared. Working, overseas, and theres one person who's got a curfew, no prizes there.

I want something moody! I really need to balance this optimism. Good thing i borrowed All Broken up and Dancing. I read the last page first haha shame on me. Its fantastic.


People dance to forget their blues. Move that waist, Brinsley. Laugh and cry all you want, but keep moving. Keep feeling alive and don't back down.

A bit faster, Brinsley.

Much faster than that. Let the notes beat through the centre of your excruciation. The dance and the dancer are the same now. Move those hands, lift those thighs. Don't look at the photos. Or the Mess. Look up at the moon, and swear you'd never stop. Move around the corners and stop feeling tired. Let yourself go, even though you don't know why. Tomorrow will solve itself. Brinsley. Just don't stop dancing... don't you dare stop dancing...

Leave him there, whoever you are. Let him be. Move away from his room. His time has come, and its time to drift from him. We want nothing more than to see him dance.

We're leaving you Brinsley. All we see is the window sill. We're floating away somewhere else.

Keep on dancing Brinsley, and you will dome down again. You are not alone. You have to believe. Yes, yes. You shall weep for yourself, and the world... and one day the world will weep for you... Brinsley...

Off-tangent toward Mars, Brinsley..."


As i type that i really wanted to put a few words in caps. Kelvin Tan is pretty fantastic. Towards the end, somewhere deep inside, i whispered to myself.

"When you're shining around the world..."

I have Howl's Moving Castle, Perfume, Life is Elsewhere, and A Hundred Years of Solitude that I still haven't touched. But i finally got a hold of All Broken Up and Dancing so that one first. I don't think I'll ever read Perfume, which means i probably wont watch the movie, since I've got the book and haven't read it. Haha my firefox word editor doesn't list Movie as a word.

New label is Scooters in the fall, is because i wanna go to somewhere in fall. With Scooters, maybe Italy. Gotta get me an really nice Suit first though I think Purple's my colour. I wanna be a boy forever and ever amen. I also want some Soma. Huxley makes it sound so good, so easy, so peaceful.

A gramme is better than a damm. There is always soma, half a gramme for a half-holiday, a gramme for a week-end , two grammes for a trip to the gorgeous East, three for a dark eternity on the moon…

Stupid is as stupid does

Stop thinking.... :)

Heads up Damage Control,
there's a ring around her finger.
Last chance for changing lanes,
and you missed it by a mile.

Word of the day, damage control.

Watch me smile with reckless abandon

Write something down before camp. Wiling my time away lazily trying to remember what Guru said. I have been _____. I remembered thinking that it was so undeniably true. Was I emancipated, freed, somehow opened up again. The ashes peel away, to reveal something that is vaguely alive. At this juncture I must say, most of this is for dramatic effect, yes I know I'm alive, yes I know I'm not invincible, yes I know that at some fundamental level I am and will always be capable of everything that I did before. I know all too well that I am flesh and bone.

The question is simple, what was that word he used. After looking through a thesaurus, I find the word was liberated. its been a long time since I didn't feel dead. Its been a long time healing. I remember making a wish. Some of you got my e-mail, the chain mail i was so ashamed to send, but i was so impressed by the way it read me. Thirteen people, for my lucky number. I go my wish, and right now I'm more at peace than i have ever been in the last two years. Its nice to smile for a change and know that you mean it. Its nice to feel like you are not bothered by anything. Its nice.

I like nice, its the perfect word to hide behind. If asked how you feel about anything, nice is the one answer that isn't really an answer. Dearest Affie, for the love of god make some time to call me, i want to start planning my trip up to Perth soon. I'm planning for a mid to late August.I want to catch the tail end of winter. I want to remember how its like to feel cold on the outside and warm on the inside again.

Somehow, life changed again. And i really hope the change is here to stay this time. My fingers are crossed, my heart is pounding, my head is worried sick, i will do absolutely anything rather than to go back to that hell hole again. Older, not a smidgen wiser, but hopefully a whole lot luckier.

Today was the kind of adventure that i believed i should live through every day. Oh god i feel 13 again. I would do anything to forget the first time i nearly killed myself trying to forget something. Oh god don't take this away from me please.

Eve is the apple of my eye

Eve, Lilith and Del. Somebody sent me a song form Bell X1

And I lie behind you
And a cradle you in the palm of me
And I pat your hair down
I think will we sink or swim?
'Cause we could do either on a whim

Its so true, we were made for more than this. When the world fills up with shades of gray and we realise that opposites, such as light and dark do not equate to either positive or negative. And then theres that dying part of us that feels like we can take over the world. And we get so confused because we realise that the world is so big.

Neither one is a good choice, so do I sink or swim? Because its either the Devil or the Deep Blue sea. Sometimes i miss being young, it was so simple, so clear cut, so beautiful. Man was young once, man loved Eve once, and it was all so simple beautiful and perfect.

Yesterday...

Yesterday was eventful and meaningful. I felt like it was what my birthday should have been like. I met a new friend, i met a few old friends, got super smashed, hit on Andrea D'cruz, and i don't even know what she looks like. Its like Lou Reed's Perfect Day without dripping with irony.

Oh it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on.

You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow...

Karma is the last thing on my mind, the retribution for being happy is something i will have to deal with later, but now I'm happy and high, a different kind of high. Something went right for once. Oh and i was wrong in the last post, Alcohol is not the first kind of high we experience, its sugar. The sweet high that doesn't turn bitter.

I think sugar is one of the few sweet things that don't turn bitter, though i think I'd have to consume a godly amount to actually confirm my hypothesis. I'm not bitter, I'm something else. I know. I don't believe in love anymore, I don't believe in you, I don't believe in Us, There is just me, a drunken me, brambling about the world, making stupid decisions, and paying back fully for each decision. I don't owe anybody anything. And neither do I intend to. I have two feet to stand on, two hands to make things with, one heart to give me pain, and one mind to break. So much to do, so little time.

Come on everybody,
To the Nth degree

Dry

Its ironic. Its the first kind of high you learn. Mostly. We drink, till we have/are drunk. When we all started drinking we were so young. We used to sing drinking songs, we used to laugh, and make bold statements. We used to believe in love, camaraderie, we used to say things like drink together die together, or brothers forever. Somewhere along the lines we started to have more caution with our words.

Now when I'm completely shit faced, I don't miss you. I don't think of you, I don't feel like my life is lacking. Its nice to love somebody, but i'm old enough to know that thats not important. I don't need to feel needed or loved either. I'm happy being alone and single. Well not exactly happy but its alright now. I've forgotten everything I wanted to forget. I cant remember a time when i was happier. And i've abandoned hope that things will get better.

That line from acoustic#3 always gets me. "And your mother loves your father, coz shes got no where to go." There is no love. I'm old enough to know that. Every year i get older, every year i lose something important to me. One day i'll have nothing left. I still don't know if i can live with that. But it seems possible.

I would tell you that i love you, but i cant remember what that means. I'd find another lover, but i'm starting to like feeling empty.

Arry

I was thinking about Arry and how she had to learn three secrets a day.

I learnt today that I'm not tone deaf. I just cant sing. But i can fucking hell learn.

I learnt something about someone who signed off as "A Rad Christian" I never knew that about you. I laughed so much and i cant wait to tease you about it. You Just wait till you get online. Or pick up your phone, whichever comes first.

I've missed you a lot lately. Call me back soon please.

I learnt a few more things. I cant remember.
They weren't that important probably.

I learnt that theres a lot of things not being said that need to be said. But i'm not saying them because its premature.

Oh and speaking of premature. That was one cute comic on Sarah's blog.

I met up with Guru yesterday. We had a talk. It never dawned upon me. Though i dont really hate mel, she really fucked up all our lives. Agree disagree? I think we would all still be friends if not for her. She is a nice girl but ever since she came into the picture things became quite fucked up. Should have taken a lesson from the Scourge of Almalek himself. Too late to turn back now.

Oh and if i offend anybody I'm honestly sorry. I stopped being sad and started being angry. Hopefully it'll be over soon. I feel like I'm going overboard. I suddenly stopped being defensive and i think I'm on the warpath. Maybe its a sign I'm getting better, or maybe i'm just substituting, only time will tell.

Forget Her (or commit bloody vile murder)

While this town is busy sleeping
All the noises died away
I walk the streets to stop my weeping
But she'll never change her ways
Don't fool yourself
She was heartache from the moment that you met her
My heart feels so still
As I try to find the will to forget her somehow
Oh I think I've forgotten her now
Her love is a rose pale and dying
Dropping her petals and man I know
All full of wine the world before her
But sober with no place to go
Don't fool yourself
She was heartache from the moment that you met her
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget her somehow
She's somewhere out there now
Oh my tears folded down as I tried to forget
Her love was a joke from the day that we met
All of the words all of her men
All of my pain when I think back to when
Remember her hair as it shone in the sun
It was there on the bed when I knew what she'd done
Tell yourself over and over you wont ever need her again
But don't fool yourself
She was heartache from the moment that you met her
Oh my heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget her somehow
She's out there somewhere now
Oh She was heartache from the day that i first met her
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget you somehow
'Cause I know you're somewhere out there right now
Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes
So, hold on hold on
Hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on
Everybody hurts
You are not alone

A random poem that wrote me

I wanted a song for the season
A tune to match the mood
I wanted the world within reason
A place for me and you
All I got was postcards
They said the same old thing
Wherever you go, there you are
I cant be there with you.
All they were, were memories
Of places you have been
I left my life to trace those steps
And hopes that once were gone
From the places and the memories
From the seasons saddest songs
Once we talked about the windows
That let more out than in
We talked about the memories
The things that could have been
Its too late for the wondering
Too late to begin
As you looked through the window
My soul began to dim
I wished i may, I wished for might
Upon a dimming star
Upon the pictures i felt most scared
On my body's many scars
I cowered to the craven
A crown upon the weak
We danced up on the shattered glass
Where once our souls would meet
Sacrificed once more on this alter
Are words, meaningless words

Howling at the moon

I'm feeling better, happier. Well not exactly happy, but I'm alright with being happy. I don't have anything to hope for, well not exactly but I've let a lot of things go. I hope you're here to stay peace of mind and sanity. I really missed you.

It became blatantly apparent, that in the wake of it, i have alot to fix. Sometimes i think its alright. Sometimes the sheer enormity of the task frightens me. I've really learnt to take things a step at a time. Never overextend myself, or under utilise myself. I've re-learnt the value of balance. Both excessive happiness and excessive sadness is not good i have to moderate.

I actually like being single. At first it was a daunting task. At first it was impossibly painful. Now i am content. I just miss the sex on occasion. We're not made to be single, but I've found other muses. I've learn to pick up and let go. I can see the necessity of this time alone, clearer than ever before.

Dark and twisty, broken damaged and jaded, still yes. But for the better. I now know i will never love and trust as much again. I will never give in 110% into a relationship again. I know i cannot afford to. The school of hard knocks (not the royal Selangor one) has taught me well. Nobody's worth it. As much as I'd like to believe in romantic love, the beauty of life et cetera, i now know such things are to be admired from afar. Through a bullet proof glass wall. Like the one in prison. I will not die for you. Though sometimes I wish I were young enough to. I never knew the value of my life and mental health until now. For that I am grateful.

Cant wait for F.O.B on sat!